Susan Clegg and a Man in the House

Susan Clegg had dwelt alone ever since her father's death. She had not been unhappy in dwelling alone, although she had been a good daughter as long as she had a parent to live with. When the parent departed, and indeed some few days before his going, there had arisen a kind of a question as to the possibility of a life-companion for the daughter who must inevitably be left orphaned and lonely before long. The question had arisen in a way highly characteristic of Miss Clegg and had been disposed of in the same manner.[A] The fact is that Miss Clegg had herself proposed to four men and been refused four times. Then her father had died, and, upon the discovery that he was better endowed with worldly wealth than folks had generally supposed, all four had hastened to bring a return suit at once. But Miss Clegg had also had her mind altered by the new discovery and refused them all. From that time to this period of which I am about to write there had never been any further question in her mind as to the non-advisability of having a man in the house.

[A] See "Susan Clegg and her Friend Mrs. Lathrop."

"As far as I can see," she said confidentially to her friend, Mrs. Lathrop, who lived next door, "men are not what they are cracked up to be. There ain't but one woman as looks happy in this whole community and that's Mrs. Sperrit, an' she looks so happy that at first glance she looks full as much like a fool as anythin'. The minister's wife don't look happy,--she looks a deal more like somethin' a cat finds an' lugs home for you to brush up,--an' goodness knows Mrs. Fisher don't look happy an' she ain't happy neither, for she told me herself yesterday as since Mr. Fisher had got this new idea of developin' his chest with Japanese Jimmy Jig-songs, an' takin' a cold plunge in the slop jar every mornin', that life hadn't been worth livin' for the wall paper in her room. She ain't got no sympathy with chest developin' an' Japanese jiggin' an' she says only to think how proud she was to marry the prize boy at school an' look at what's come of it. She asked me if I hear about his goin' to town the other day an' buyin' a book on how to make your hair grow by pullin' it out as fast as it comes in, an' then gettin' on the train, an' gettin' to readin' on to how to make your eyebrows grow by pullin' them out, too, an' not noticin' that they'd unhooked his car an' left it behind, until it got too dark to read any further--"

"Why, what--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, who was the best of listeners, and never interjectional except under the highest possible pressure of curiosity.

"There was n't nothin' for him to do except to put his thumb in at the place where the eyebrows was, an' get down out of the car, an' then she told me, would you believe that with her an' John Bunyan in their second hour of chasin' around like a pair of crazy cockroaches because he was n't on the city train when he said he'd come, he very calmly went up to a hotel an' took a room for the night? An' she says that ain't the worst of it whatever you may think, for he was so interested in the book that he wanted to keep right on readin', an' as the light was too high an' he had n't no way to lower it, he just highered himself by puttin' a rockin'-chair (yes, Mrs. Lathrop, a rockin'-chair!) on the center table, an' there he sit rockin' an' readin' until he felt to go to bed. She says, would n't that drive a good wife right out beside her own mind? To think of a man like Mr. Fisher rockin' away all night on top of a table an' never even gettin' a scare. Why, she says you know an' I know that if he'd been the husband of a poor widow or the only father of a deserving family, of course he'd have rocked off an' goodness knows what, but bein' as he was her husband with a nice life insurance an' John Bunyan wild to go to college, he needs must strike the one rocker in the world as is hung true, an' land safe an' sound in her sorrowin' arms the next mornin'! Oh my, but she says, the shock she got! They was so sure that somethin' had happened to him that she an' John had planned a little picnic trip to the city to leave word with the police first an' visit the Zooelogical Gardens after. Well, she says, maybe you can judge of their feelin's when they was waitin' all smiles an' sunshine for their train, with a nice lunch done up under John's arm, an' he got down from the other train without no preparation a tall. She said she done all she could under the circumstances, for she burst out cryin' in spite of herself, an' cryin' is somethin' as always fits in handy anywhere, an' then she says they had nothin' in the wide world to do but to go home an' explain away the hard-boiled eggs for dinner the best they could. She says she hopes the Lord'll forgive her for He knows better than she ever will what she ever done to have Mr. Fisher awarded to her as her just and lawful punishment these last five and twenty years; an', she says, will you only think how awful easy, as long as he got on the table of his own free will an' without her even puttin' him up to it, it would have been for him to of rocked off an' goodness knows what. She says she is a Christian, an' she don't wish even her husband any ill wind, but she did frighten me, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I wanted to speak out frank an' open to you about it because a man in the house is a man in the house, an' I want to take men into very careful consideration before I go a step further towards lettin one have the right to darken my doors whenever he comes home to bed an' board--"

Mrs. Lathrop quite jumped in her chair at this startling finale to her neighbor's talk and her little black eyes gleamed brightly.

"Bed and bo--" she cried.

"He'll have father's room, if I take him, of course," said Susan, "but I ain't sure yet that I'll take him. You know all I stood with father, Mrs. Lathrop, an' I don't really know as I can stand any more sad memories connected with that room. You know how it was with Jathrop yourself, too, an' how happy and peaceful life has been since he lit out, an' I ain't sure that--My heavens alive! I forgot to tell you that Mr. Dill thought he saw Jathrop in the city when he was up there yesterday!"

"Saw Ja--" screamed Mrs. Lathrop. Jathrop was her son who had fled from the town some years before, his departure being marked by peculiarly harrowing circumstances, and of whom or from whom she had never heard one word since.

"Mr. Dill was n't sure," said Susan; "he said the more he thought about it the more sure he was that he was n 't sure a tall. He saw the man in a seed-office where he went to buy some seed, an' he said if it was Jathrop he's took another name because another name was on the office door. He said what made him think as it was Jathrop was he jumped so when he see Mr. Dill. Mr. Dill said he was helpin' himself out of a box of cigars an' his own idea was as he jumped because they was n't his cigars. Jathrop give Mr. Dill one cigar an' when he thanked him he said, 'Don't mention it,' an' to my order of thinkin' that proves as they was n't his cigars, for if they was his cigars why under heaven should he have minded Mr. Dill's mentionin' it? Mr. Dill said another reason as made him think as it was Jathrop was as he never asked about you,--but then if he was n't Jathrop he naturally would n't have asked about you either. Mr. Dill said he was n't sure, Mr. Dill said he was n't a bit sure, Mr. Dill said it was really all a mystery to him, but two things he could swear to, an' one of those was as this man is a full head taller than Jathrop an' the other was as he's a Swede, so I guess it's pretty safe not to be him."

Mrs. Lathrop collapsed limply. Susan went on with her tale as calmly as ever.

"You see, Mrs. Lathrop, it's like this. I told Mr. Kimball I'd think it over an' consult you before I give him any answer a tall. I could see he did n't want to give me time to think it over or to consult you for fear I'd change my mind, but when you ain't made up your mind, changin' it is easy, an' I never was one to hurry myself an' I won't begin now. Hurryin' leads to swallowin' fish-bones an' tearin' yourself on nails an' a many other things as makes me mad, an' I won't hurry now an' I won't hurry never. I shall take my own time, an' take my own time about takin' it, too, an' Mr. Kimball nor no other man need n't think he can ask me things as is more likely to change my whole life than not to change it, an' suppose I'm goin' to answer him like it was n't no greater matter than a sparrow hoppin' his tail around on a fence. I ain't no sparrow nor no spring chicken neither an' I don't intend to decide my affairs jumpin' about in a hurry, no, not even if you was advisin' me the same as Mr. Kimball, Mrs. Lathrop, an' you know how much I think of your advice even if you have yet to give me the first piece as I can see my way to usin', for I will say this for your advice, Mrs. Lathrop, an' that is that advice as is easier left untook than yours is, never yet was given."

Mrs. Lathrop opened her mouth in a feeble attempt to rally her forces, but long before they were rallied Susan was off again:

"I don't know, I'm sure, whether what I said to Mr. Kimball in the end was wise or not. I did n't say right out as I would, but I said I would maybe for a little while. I thought a little while would give me the inside track of what a long while would be pretty sure to mean. I don't know as it was a good thing to do but it's done now, so help me Heaven; an' if I can't stand him I always stand by my word, so he'll get three months' board anyhow an' I'll learn a little of what it would mean to have a man in the house."

"A man in--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, recovering herself sufficiently to illustrate her mental attitude by what in her case always answered the purposes of a start.

"That's what I said," said Susan, "an' havin' said it Mr. Kimball can rely on Elijah Doxey's bein' sure to get it now."

"Eli--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, again upheaved.

"Elijah Doxey," repeated Susan. "That's his name. I ain't surprised over your bein' surprised, Mrs. Lathrop, 'cause I was all dumb did up myself at first. I never was more dumb or more did up since I was a baby, but after the way as Mr. Kimball sprung shock after shock on me last night I got so paralyzed in the end that his name cut very little figger beside our havin' a newspaper of our own, right here in our midst, an' me havin' the editor to board an' him bein' Mr. Kimball's nephew, an' Mr. Kimball havin' a nephew as was a editor, an' Mr. Kimball's never havin' seen fit to mention the fact to any of us in all these many years as we've been friends on an' off an' us always buyin' from him whenever we was n't more friends with Mr. Dill."

"I nev--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

"No, nor no one else ever heard of him neither. The first of it all was when he came up last night to see would I board him, an' of course when I understood as it was me as was goin' to have to take him in I never rested till I knowed hide an' hair of who I was to take in down to the last button on Job's coat."