Public-domain ebook
by Ralph Sholto
Language: en7,137 downloads on Project Gutenberg
Subjects
In: Science Fiction·Crime, Thrillers and Mystery·Humour
Public-domain ebook sourced from Project Gutenberg #32562.
The work is an epistolary science‑fiction romp that begins as a letter addressed to a police officer, in which the narrator, Homer Nicholas, explains why he and his fiancée Joy are about to depart for a honeymoon in Europe. The opening quickly introduces a cast of eccentric relatives, Uncle Peter, a brilliant yet absent‑minded scientist locked in a basement lab, and Bag Ears Mulligan, a rough‑looking but good‑hearted friend from the city’s seedier bars. Their banter mixes marital plans, a secret serum, and a chaotic wedding reception, all narrated with a breezy, almost conversational tone that weaves together scientific jargon, social satire, and slapstick dialogue. The text foregrounds themes of class tension, the clash between lofty invention and everyday life, and the absurdities of a family that straddles high society and the underworld.
The prose reflects a late‑Victorian or early‑Edwardian sensibility, employing long, rambling sentences, ornate diction, and a penchant for digressive asides. Its voice is unmistakably witty and self‑aware, treating the reader as a confidant while lampooning both the scientific elite and the pretensions of the upper class. Readers who enjoy playful, dialogue‑driven narratives that blend speculative invention with social comedy, especially those fond of quirky characters, satirical commentary, and a touch of melodrama, will find this novel’s lively, letter‑style storytelling engaging.
The opening · free to read
You, above all others, are entitled to know what has been happening in our fair city. Hence this letter. When you receive it, Joy and I will be on the way to Europe in pursuit of a most elusive honeymoon. Uncle Peter will be headed for Tibet in order to interview certain very important people you and your department never heard of. Bag Ears will probably be off somewhere searching for his bells, and I suggest you let him keep right on searching, because Bag Ears isn't one to answer questions with very much intelligence.
So, because of the fact that a great deal of good has been done at no cost whatever to the taxpayers, I suggest you read this letter and then forget about the whole thing.
It all started when Joy and I finally got an audience with Uncle Peter in his laboratory yesterday morning. Possibly you will think it strange that I should have difficulty in contacting my own close relative. But you don't know Uncle Peter.
He is a strange mixture of the doer and the dreamer--the genius and the child. Parts of his brain never passed third grade while other parts could sit down and tie Einstein in knots during a discussion of nuclear physics, advanced mathematics or what have you. He lives in a small bungalow at the edge of town, in the basement of which is his laboratory. A steel door bars the public from this laboratory and it was upon this door that Joy and I pounded futilely for three days. Finally the door opened and Uncle Peter greeted us.
"Homer--my dear boy! Have you been knocking long?"
"Quite a while, Uncle Peter--off and on that is. I have some news for you. I am going to get married."
My uncle became visibly disturbed. "My boy! That's wonderful--truly wonderful. But I'm certainly surprised at you. Tsk-tsk-tsk!"
"What do you mean by tsk-tsk-tsk?"
"Your moral training has been badly neglected. You plan marriage even while traveling about in the company of this woman you have with you."
Joy is a lady of the finest breeding, but she can be caught off-guard at times. This was one of the times. She said, "Listen here, you bald-headed jerk. Nobody calls me a woman--"
Uncle Peter was mildly interested. "Then if you aren't a woman, what--?"
I hastened to intervene. "You didn't let Joy finish, Uncle Peter. She no doubt would have added--'in that tone of voice.' And I think her attitude is entirely justified. Joy is a fine girl and my intended bride."
"Oh, why didn't you say so?"
"I supposed you would assume as much."
"My boy, I am a scientist. A scientist assumes nothing. But I wish to apologize to the young lady and I hope you two will be very happy."
"That's better," Joy said, with only a shade of truculence.
"And now," Uncle Peter went on. "It would be very thoughtful of you to leave. I am working on a serum which will have a great deal to do with changing the course of civilization. In fact it is already perfected and must be tested. It is a matter of utmost urgency to me that I be left alone to arrange the tests."
"I am afraid," I said, "that you will have to delay your work a few hours. It is not every day that your nephew gets married and in all decency you must attend the wedding and the reception. I don't wish you to be inconvenienced too greatly, but--"
Uncle Peter's mind had gone off on another track. He stopped me with a wave of his hand and said, "Homer, are you still running around with those bums from the wrong side of town?"
These words from anyone but Uncle Peter would have been insulting. But Uncle Peter is the most impersonal man I have known. He never bothers insulting people for any personal satisfaction. When he asks a question, he always has a reason for so doing.
By way of explaining Uncle Peter's question, let me say that I am a firm believer in democracy and I demonstrate this belief in my daily life. More than once I have had to apologize for the definitely unsocial attitude of my family. They have a tendency to look down on those less fortunate in environment and financial stability than we Nicholases.
I, however, do not approve of this snobbishness. I cannot forget that a great-uncle, Phinias Nicholas, laid the foundations of our fortune by stealing cattle in the days of the Early West and selling them at an amazing profit.
I personally am a believer in the precept that all men are created equal. I'll admit they don't remain equal very long, but that is beside the point.
In defense of my convictions, I have always sought friends among the underprivileged brotherhood sometimes scathingly referred to as bums, tramps, screwballs, and I've found them, on the whole, to be pretty swell people.
But to get back--I answered Uncle Peter rather stiffly. "My friends are my own affair and are not to be discussed."
"No offense. My question had to do with an idea I got rather suddenly. Will any of these--ah, friends, be present at the reception?"
"It is entirely possible."
"Then I could easily infiltrate--"
"You could what?"
"Never mind, my boy. It is not important. I'll be indeed honored to attend your wedding."
At that moment there was a muffled commotion from beyond a closed door to our left; the sound of heels kicking on the panel and an irate female voice:
"They gone yet? There's cobwebs in this damn closet--and it's dark!"
Uncle Peter had the grace to blush. In fact he could do little else as the closet door opened and a young lady stepped forth.
In the vulgar parlance of the day, this girl could be described only as a dream-boat. This beyond all doubt, because the trim hull, from stem to stern, was bared to the gaze of all who cared to observe and admire. She was a blonde dream-boat--and most of her present apparel had come from lying under a sun lamp.
Uncle Peter gasped. "Cora! In the name of all decency--"
Joy, with admirable aplomb, laughed gayly. "Why, Uncle Peter! So it's that kind of research! And no wonder it's top-secret!"
Uncle Peter's frantic attention was upon the girl. "I was never so mortified--"
She raised her hair-line eyebrows. "Why the beef, Winky? Aren't we among friends?"
"Never mind! Never mind!" Uncle Peter fell back upon his dignity--having nothing else to fall back on--and said, "Homer--Joy--this is Cora, my ah--assistant. She was ah--in the process of taking a shower, and--"
Joy reached forth and pinched Uncle Peter's flaming cheek. "It's all right, uncle dear. Perfectly all right. And I'll bet this chick can give a terrific assist, too."
The book keeps going
Reading is free forever. Sign up and watch scenes appear while you read.
Scenes Storieta drew for other classics.
New illustrated classics
Once or twice a month: the latest books to get full character casts, scene art, and free comic editions. No account needed.
