Jonathan and His Continent: Rambles Through American Society

You have often asked me to write my impressions of America and the Americans, and your newspapers have been good enough to suggest Jonathan and his Continent as a title for the book.

The title is good, and I accept it.

As for the book, since you wish it, here it is. But I must warn you that if ever you should fancy you see in this little volume a deep study of your great country and of your amiable compatriots, your worldwide reputation for humour would be exploded.

However, as my collaborator, JACK ALLYN, is an American citizen, some at least of the statements here set down regarding Jonathan ought to have weight and authority.

CONTENTS.

CHAPTER I.--Population of America.--An Anecdote about the Sun.--Where is the Centre of America?--Jonathan cannot get over it, nor can I.--America, the Land of Conjuring.--A Letter from Jonathan decides me to set out for the United States.

CHAPTER II.--Jonathan and his Critics.--An eminent American gives me Salutary Advice.--Travelling Impressions.--Why Jonathan does not love John Bull.

CHAPTER III.--Characteristic Traits.--A Gentleman and a Cad.--Different Ways of Discussing the Merits of a Sermon.--Contradictions and Contrasts.--Sacred and Profane.--Players of Poker on Board Ship.--A Meek and Humble Follower of Jesus.--The Open Sesame of New York, Boston, and Philadelphia.--The Childish Side of American Character.--The Three Questions Jonathan puts to every Foreigner who lands in America.--Preconceived Notions.--Request of an American Journalist.--Why the English and the French do not put Questions in their Countries to the Foreigner who visits them.

CHAPTER IV.--Types.--Manly Beauty.--The Indian Type.--Second Beauty in the Women of the New World.--Something Wanting in the Beauty of Most American Women.

CHAPTER V.--All that Glitters is not Gold, especially in America.--The Dollar is the Unity of the Metrical System.--Jonathan is Matter-of-fact.--How he Judges Man.--The Kind of Baits that Take.--Talent without Money is a Useless Tool.--Boston and Kansas.

CHAPTER VI.--Diamonds.--How Diamonds are Won and Lost in Tripping.--The Sweat of Jonathan's brow crystallized in his Wife's Ears.--Avarice is a vice little known in America.--Jonathan is not the Slave of the Almighty Dollar to the Extent that he is believed to be.

CHAPTER VII.--Notes on the great American Cities.--New York.-- Boston.--A Visit to Oliver Wendell Holmes.--Washington.--Mount Vernon.--Philadelphia.--Chicago.--Rivalry between these Cities.--Jokes they indulge in at each other's Expense.

CHAPTER VIII.--American Houses.--Furniture.--Luxury.--The Clubs.--An Evening at the Authors' Club.--An Eyesore.--A Wonderful Shot.--Bang, right in the Bull's-eye!

CHAPTER IX.--Society Jottings.--Blue Blood in the United States.--Fashionable Society.--Plutocracy.--Parvenus and Arrivés.--Literary and Artistic Society.--Provincialism.--All the Americans have two Family Names.--Colonels and Judges.--American Hospitality.--Terrapin and Raw Duck.

CHAPTER X.--Millionaires.--A List of the Great American Fortunes.--The Stock Exchange.--A Billionaire's House.--Benevolent Acts.--A Democracy Ruled by many Kings.

CHAPTER XI.--The American Girl.--Her Liberty.--Her Manners.--Respect for Woman.--Youthful Reminiscences.--Flirtation Perfected.--The "Boston."--Why the Young American Lady does not Object to the Society of Men.--European Coats of Arms Regilt and Redeemed from Pawn.--Americans of the Faubourg Saint Germain.--Lady Randolph Churchill.--Mating of May and December.--Stale Theme of American Plays.--An Angel.--The Tell-tale Collodion.--The Heroine of "L'Abbé Constantin."--What American Girls Admire in a Man.

CHAPTER XII.--The Emancipation of Woman.--Extinction of Man.--War against Beards.--Ladies Purifying the Streets of New York.--The Ladies "Go it" Alone, and have a "Good Time."

CHAPTER XIII.--Prudery.--"Shocking" Expressions.--Transformation of the Vocabulary.--War on Nudities.--The Venus of Milo does not Escape the Wrath of the Puritans.--Mr. Anthony Comstock in Chief Command.--New England Prudes.--Tattling or Calumny?

CHAPTER XIV.--John Bull's Cousin German.--A Salutary Lesson.--Women's Vengeance.--A Battle with Rotten Eggs.--An Unsavoury Omelette.--Tarring and Feathering.--Description of the Operation.--An Awkward Quarter-of-an-hour.--Vengeance of a Ladies' School.--A Town Council of Women.--Woman's Standing in the States.--Story of a Widow and her Two Daughters.

CHAPTER XV.--Dress.--My Light-Grey Trousers create a Sensation in a Pennsylvanian Town.--Women's Dress.--Style and Distinction.--Bonnets fit to Frighten a Choctaw.--Dress at the Theatre.--Ball Toilettes.--Draw a Veil over the Past, Ladies.--The Frogs and the Oxen.--Interest and Capital.--Dogs with Gold-filled Teeth.--Vulgarity.

CHAPTER XVI.--High Class Humour.--Mr. Chauncey Depew and General Horace Porter.--Corneille had no Humour.--A Woman "sans père et sans proche."--Mark Twain.

CHAPTER XVII.--Boisterous Humour and Horseplay Wit.--A Dinner at the Clover Club of Philadelphia.--Other "Gridiron" Clubs.

CHAPTER XVIII.--Western and Eastern Wit.--Two Anecdotes in the way of Illustration.

CHAPTER XIX.--Journalism.--Prodigious Enterprises.--Startling Headlines.--"Jerked to Jesus."--"Mrs. Carter finds Fault with her Husband's Kisses."--Jacob's Ladder.--Sensational News.--How a Journalist became Known.--Gossip.--The Murderer and the Reporters.--Detective Journalists.--"The Devil Dodged."--Ten Minutes' Stoppage in Purgatory.--French, English, and American Journalists.--A Visit to the Great Newspaper Offices.--Sunday Papers.--Country Papers.--Wonderful Eye-ticklers.--Polemics.--"Pulitzer and Dana."--Comic and Society Papers.--The "Detroit Free Press" and the "Omaha World."--American Reviews.

CHAPTER XX.--Reporting.--For the American Reporter Nothing is Sacred.--Demolition of the Wall of Private Life.--Does your Husband Snore?--St. Anthony and the Reporters.--I am Interviewed.--My Manager drops Asleep over it.--The Interview in Print.--The President of the United States and the Reporters.--"I am the Interviewer."

CHAPTER XXI.--Literature in the United States.--Poets.--Novelists.--Essayists.--Critics--Historians.-- Humorists.--Journalists.--Writers for the Young.--Future of American Literature.

CHAPTER XXII.--The Stage in the United States.--The "Stars."--French Plays.--Mr. Augustin Daly's Company.--The American Public.--The Theatres.--Detailed Programmes.--A Regrettable Omission.

CHAPTER XXIII.--The Religion of the Americans.--Religious Sects.--Why Jonathan Goes to Church.--Walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen, "this is the Place to be Saved and Happy."--Irresistible Invitations.--The Esoterists.--Why Die when Immortality is Attainable?--The Recipe.--Faith Cure.--A Highly-recommended Book.--Seventh Day Hypocrisy.--To Choose Goods is not to Buy Them.--"Great Scott!"--Religion and Republicanism Live Happily together in America.

CHAPTER XXIV.--Colonel Ingersoll's Ideas.--The Man.--His Life.--His Works.--A Minister declines to take his Place either in this World or the Next.

CHAPTER XXV.--Justice.--Comparison Favourable to America.--Judicial Procedure.--The Accused was Paid Cash.--A Criminal Hunt.--The Juries and their Powers.--Slow Dealings of American Justice.--False Philanthropy.--Twelve or Sixteen Minutes at the Wrong End of a Rope.--A Savage Club Anecdote.

CHAPTER XXVI.--Lynch Law.--Hanged, Burned, and Shot.--The Gaolers do not Answer for their Boarders.--The Humours of Lynching.

CHAPTER XXVII.--A Word on Marriage and Divorce.--Scenes for an Opera-Bouffe.--An Amateur Dentist.

CHAPTER XXVIII.--Mr. Grover Cleveland, President of the United States.--A Public Reception at the White House.--A Private Audience.--Why a Yankee Refrained from Accompanying Me.--What the President Costs the Nation.--Mrs. Cleveland.--Her Popularity.--Life at the White House.

CHAPTER XXIX.--Politics.--Parties.--The Gentleman and the Politician.--"Honest John" and "Jolly Roger."--The Irish in America.--Why the Americans are in favour of Home Rule.--The Mayor of New York and the Green Flag.--The German Yankees.--The American Constitution and the President.--Executive and Legislative Powers.--England is a Freer Country than America.--The Elections.--An Anecdote of M. Jules Grévy.

CHAPTER XXX.--The Ordinary American.--His Voice, his Habits, his Conversation.--He Murders his Language and your Ears.--Do not judge him too quickly.

CHAPTER XXXI.--American Activity.--Expression of the Faces.--Press the Button, S.V.P.--Marketing in the House.--Magic Tables.--The Digestive Apparatus in Danger.--Gentlemen of Leisure.--Labour Laws.--A Six Days' Journey to go to a Banquet.--My Manager cuts out Work for Me.--A Journalist on a Journey.--"Don't wait dinner, am off to Europe."

CHAPTER XXXII.--The "XIXth Century Club."--Intellectual Activity.--Literary Evenings.--Light Everywhere.

CHAPTER XXXIII.--Climate Incites Jonathan to Activity.--Healthy Cold.--Why Drunkenness is Rare in America.--Do not Lose Sight of your Nose.--Advice to the Foreigner intending to Visit Jonathan in the Winter.--Visit to the Falls of Niagara.--Turkish Baths offered Gratis by Nature.

CHAPTER XXXIV.--Jonathan's Eccentricities.--The Arc de Triomphe not being Hirable, an American proposes to Buy it.--The Town Council of Paris do not Close with Him.--Cathedrals on Hire.--Companies Insuring against Matrimonial Infidelity.--Harmony Association.--Burial of a Leg.--Last Will and Testament of an American who Means to be Absent on the Day of Judgment.

CHAPTER XXXV.--Advertisements.--Marvellous Puffs.--Illustrated Ditto.--A Yankee on the Look-out for a Living,--"Her Heart and a Cottage."--A Circus Proprietor and the President of the United States.--Irresistible Offers of Marriage.--A Journalist of all Work.--Wanted, a Frenchwoman, Young, Pretty, and Cheerful.--Nerve-calming Syrup.--Doctors on the Road.--An Advocate Recommends Himself to Light-fingered Gentlemen.--Mr. Phineas Barnum, the King of Showmen.--Nothing is sacred in the Eyes of Phineas, the Modern Phoenix.--My Manager Regrets not being able to Engage Mr. Gladstone and Lord Randolph Churchill for Platform Work in the United States.