Such Things Are: A Play, in Five Acts

How say you, critic Gods[1], and you below[2]; Are you all friends?--or here--and there--a foe? Come to protect your literary trade, Which Mrs. Scribble dares again invade-- But know you not--_in all_ the fair ones do, 'Tis not to please themselves alone--but you. Then who so churlish, or so cynic grown, Would wish to change a simper for a frown? Or who so jealous of their own dear quill, Would point the paragraph her fame to kill? Yet such there are, in this all-scribbling town, } And men of letters too--of some renown, } Who sicken at all merit but their own. } But sure 'twere more for Wit's--for Honour's sake, To make the Drama's _race_--_the give and take_. [_Looking round the house._ My hint I see's approv'd--so pray begin it, And praise us--_roundly_ for the good things in it, Nor let severity our faults expose, When godlike Homer's self was known to doze. But of the piece--Methinks I hear you hint, Some dozen lines or more should give the tint-- "Tell how Sir John with Lady Betty's maid Is caught intriguing at a masquerade; Which Lady Betty, in a jealous fit, Resents by flirting with _Sir Ben_--the cit. Whose _three_-feet spouse, to modish follies bent, Mistakes a _six_-feet Valet--for a Gent. Whilst Miss, repugnant to her Guardian's plan, Elopes in Breeches with her fav'rite man." Such are the hints we read in Roscius' days, By way of Prologue ushered in their plays. But we, like Ministers and cautious spies, In secret measures think--the merit lies. Yet shall the Muse thus far unveil the plot-- This play was tragi-comically got, Those sympathetic sorrows to impart Which harmonize the feelings of the heart; And may at least this humble merit boast, A structure founded on fair Fancy's coast. With you it rests that judgement to proclaim, Which in the world must raise or sink it's fame. Yet ere her judges sign their last report, 'Tis you [_to the boxes_] must recommend her to the Court; Whose smiles, like Cynthia, in a winter's night, Will cheer our wand'rer with a gleam of light.

1. Galleries. 2. Pit.

ACT I.

SCENE, The Island of Sumatra, in East India.

CHARACTERS.

MEN.

Sultan, Mr. Farren, Lord Flint, Mr. Davies, Sir Luke Tremor, Mr. Quick, Mr. Twineall, Mr. Lewis, Mr. Haswell, Mr. Pope, Elvirus, Mr. Holman, Mr. Meanright, Mr. Macready, Zedan, Mr. Fearon, First Keeper, Mr. Thompson, Second Keeper, Mr. Cubitt, First Prisoner, Mr. Helme, Second Prisoner, Mr. Gardener. Guard, Mr. Blurton, Messenger, Mr. Ledger.

WOMEN.

Lady Tremor, Mrs. Mattocks, Aurelia, Miss Wilkinson, Female Prisoner, Mrs. Pope.

Time of Representation, Twelve Hours.

SUCH THINGS ARE.

A PLAY.

IN FIVE ACTS.

ACT I.

SCENE I. A Parlour at Sir Luke Tremor'_s_.

Enter Sir Luke, followed by Lady Tremor.

Sir Luke. I tell you, Madam, you are two and thirty.

Lady Tremor. I tell you, Sir, you are mistaken.

Sir Luke. Why, did not you come over from England exactly sixteen years ago?

Lady. Not so long.

Sir Luke. Have not we been married the tenth of next April sixteen years?