Next Door Neighbours: A Comedy; In Three Acts

BY T. VAUGHAN, ESQ.

SPOKEN BY MR. BANNISTER, JUN.

To PUFF, or not to Puff--that is the Question-- Puff by all means, say I, it helps digestion. To prove my maxim true, pray read the Papers-- From Quacks of State, to those who cure the Vapours.

You'll find them, one and all, puff high their skill, Tho' nine in ten, are oft'ner found to kill.-- Yet Puff's the word, which gives at least a name, And oftener gains the undeserving Fame: Or wherefore read we of Lord Fanny's Taste, Of _me_--an Actor--_wonderfully chaste_! And yet so squeamish is our Lady elf, She'd rather die--than paragraph herself; So fix'd on me--the Prologue speaking Hack, To stop, with Puff-direct, the Critic Pack, Who yelp, and foaming, bark from morn to night, } And when run hard--turn tail--then snap and bite; } Putting the timid Hare-like-Bard to flight. } To such, the best and only Puff to hit, } Is that which honest CANDOUR must admit, } A Female Scribbler is an harmless Wit; } And who so harmless as our present Bard, Claiming no greater or distinct reward, Than what from free Translation is her due, Which here in fullest trust she leaves to you: With this remark--Who own their Debts with pride, Are well entitled to the Credit Side. And as for those with whom she makes so free They'll ne'er complain of English Liberty; But glory to behold their Tinsel shine, Through the rich Bullion of the English Line.

Fear then avaunt! Trust to a BRITISH JURY-- With them, an honest Verdict I'll ensure you: Let Echo catch the sound--'Tis PRATT[1] enacts, You're Judges of the Law, as well as Facts. On this she rests her Cause, and hopes to find, As Friends, and Next Door Neighbours, you'll be kind; At least, this only punishment ensue, _A Frown_--and that's severe enough, from you.

_Thus puff'd_--I freely to the Court commit her, Not doubting, as a Woman, you'll acquit her-- And now join issue, Sirs, without delay-- } Judging from written Evidence our Play, } And--_send her a good Deliverance_, I pray. }

[1: Vide, Earl CAMDEN'S celebrated and Constitutional Speech and Opinion on the subject of Libels.]

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.

MEN.

Sir George Splendorville Mr. PALMER. Mr. Manly Mr. KEMBLE. Mr. Blackman Mr. BADDELEY. Mr. Lucre Mr. R. PALMER. Lord Hazard Mr. EVATT. Willford Mr. AICKIN. Henry Mr. PALMER, Jun. Bluntly Mr. BANNISTER, Jun.

WOMEN.

Lady Caroline Seymour Mrs. BROOKS. Lady Bridget Squander Miss HEARD. Evans Mrs. EDWARDS. Eleanor Mrs. KEMBLE.

Other Ladies, Gentlemen, Servants, &c.

SCENE----LONDON.

NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOURS.

A COMEDY.

ACT I.

SCENE I. An Antichamber at Sir GEORGE SPLENDORVILLE'_s_, adjoining a Ball-room.

Enter BLUNTLY, meeting a Servant in Livery.

BLUNTLY. Come, come, is not every thing ready? Is not the ball-room prepared yet? It is past ten o'clock.

SERVANT. We have only to fix up the new chandelier.

BLUNTLY. I'll have no new chandelier.

SERVANT. My master said the last ball he gave, the company were in the dark.

BLUNTLY. And if you blind them with too much light, they will be in the dark still.

SERVANT. The musicians, sir, wish for some wine.

BLUNTLY. What, before the ball begins? No, tell them if they are tipsy at the end of it, it will be quite soon enough.

SERVANT. You are always so cross, Mr. Bluntly, when my master is going to have company.

BLUNTLY. Have not I a right to be cross? For while the whole house is in good humour, if there was not one person cross enough to take a little care, every thing would be wasted and ruined through extreme good temper. (A man crosses the stage.) Here, you--Mister----Pray are you the person who was sent with the chandelier?

SHOPMAN. Yes, sir.

BLUNTLY. Then please to take it back again--We don't want it.

SHOPMAN. What is your objection to it, sir?

BLUNTLY. It will cost too much.

SHOPMAN. Mr. Bluntly, all the trades-people are more frightened at you than at your master.--Sir George, Heaven bless him! never cares how much a thing costs.

BLUNTLY. That is, because he never cares whether he pays for it or not----but if he did, depend upon it he would be very particular. Tradesmen all wish to be paid for their ware, don't they?

SHOPMAN. Certainly, sir.

BLUNTLY. Then why will they force so many unnecessary things, and make so many extravagant charges as to put all power of payment out of the question?

Enter EVANS:----_The Tradesman goes off at the opposite Door._

BLUNTLY. How do you do, Mrs. Evans? [_Sullenly._

EVANS. What makes you sigh, Mr. Bluntly?

BLUNTLY. What makes you smile?