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In: Humour·Biographies·History - American
Public-domain ebook sourced from Project Gutenberg #47811.
The volume is a compilation of anecdotes and stories that Lincoln himself told, assembled to illustrate why he was celebrated as America’s pre‑eminent raconteur. The opening passage frames his humor as a vital release from the mental strain of four years of civil war, then proceeds to a succession of brief episodes, ranging from a witty remark about General Fremont’s marital advice to a sarcastic retort about a slow horse supplied by a political rival, and from a sardonic comment on a vain general’s funeral to a mock‑serious telegram about troop reinforcements. Each vignette is presented as a self‑contained sketch, often introduced by a terse heading, and together they reveal the president’s penchant for turning everyday situations into pointed, often self‑deprecating, humor.
The voice is unmistakably mid‑nineteenth‑century, blending colloquial dialogue with a formal, report‑like narration that mirrors contemporary newspaper sketches. Lincoln’s speech patterns, plain, wry, and occasionally embellished with period idioms, give the collection a lively, conversational tone. Readers who enjoy historical humor, military or political folklore, or a glimpse into the lighter side of a figure usually portrayed solely in solemn terms will find this assortment both entertaining and illuminating.
The opening · free to read
It was once said of Shakespeare that the great mind that conceived the tragedies of "Hamlet," "Macbeth," etc., would have lost its reason if it had not found vent in the sparkling humor of such comedies as "The Merry Wives of Windsor" and "The Comedy of Errors."
The great strain on the mind of Abraham Lincoln produced by four years of civil war might likewise have overcome his reason had it not found vent in the yarns and stories he constantly told. No more fun-loving or humor-loving man than Abraham Lincoln ever lived. He enjoyed a joke even when it was on himself, and probably, while he got his greatest enjoyment from telling stories, he had a keen appreciation of the humor in those that were told him.
For a while during the Civil War, General Fremont was without a command. One day in discussing Fremont's case with George W. Julian, President Lincoln said he did not know where to place him, and that it reminded him of the old man who advised his son to take a wife, to which the young man responded: "All right; whose wife shall I take?"
On one occasion when Mr. Lincoln was going to attend a political convention one of his rivals, a liveryman, provided him with a slow horse, hoping that he would not reach his destination in time. Mr. Lincoln got there, however, and when he returned with the horse he said: "You keep this horse for funerals, don't you?" "Oh, no," replied the liveryman. "Well, I'm glad of that, for if you did you'd never get a corpse to the grave in time for the resurrection."
In an interview between President Lincoln and Petroleum V. Nasby, the name came up of a recently deceased politician of Illinois whose merit was blemished by great vanity. His funeral was very largely attended.
"If General ---- had known how big a funeral he would have had," said Mr. Lincoln, "he would have died years ago."
"General Blank asks for more men," said Secretary of War Stanton to the President one day, showing the latter a telegram from the commander named, appealing for re-enforcements.
"I guess he's killed off enough men, hasn't he?" queried the President. "I don't mean Confederates--our own men. What's the use in sending volunteers down to him if they're only used to fill graves?"
"His dispatch seems to imply that, in his opinion, you have not the confidence in him he thinks he deserves," the War Secretary went on to say, as he looked over the telegram again.
"Oh," was the President's reply, "he needn't lose any of his sleep on that account. Just telegraph him to that effect; also, that I don't propose to send him any more men."
Secretary of War Stanton told the President the following story, which greatly amused the latter, as he was especially fond of a joke at the expense of some high military or civil dignitary.
Stanton had little or no sense of humor.
When Secretary Stanton was making a trip up the Broad River in North Carolina, in a tugboat, a Federal picket yelled out, "What have you got on board of that tug?"
The severe and dignified answer was, "The Secretary of War and Major-General Foster."
Instantly the picket roared back, "We've got major-generals enough up here. Why don't you bring us up some hardtack?"
When Mr. Lincoln delivered his first inaugural he was introduced by his friend, United States Senator E. D. Baker, of Oregon. He carried a cane and a little roll--the manuscript of his inaugural address. There was a moment's pause after the introduction, as he vainly looked for a spot where he might place his high silk hat.
Stephen A. Douglas, the political antagonist of his whole public life, the man who had pressed him hardest in the campaign of 1860, was seated just behind him. Douglas stepped forward quickly, and took the hat which Mr. Lincoln held helplessly in his hand.
"If I can't be President," Douglas whispered smilingly to Mrs. Brown, a cousin of Mrs. Lincoln and a member of the President's party, "I at least can hold his hat."
"Well," said the President, "I would be very happy to oblige, if my passes were respected; but the fact is, sir, I have, within the past two years, given passes to two hundred and fifty thousand men to go to Richmond, and not one has got there yet."
The applicant quietly and respectfully withdrew on his tiptoes.
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