Vandyke Brown: A Farce in One Act

SCENE.--_Mr. Bobbins's Lodgings. Chamber, C. D., backed by a window--doors, R. and L.--table, R., chairs, books, newspaper--table, arm chair R. of table, chair L.--table against flat, R., with bust of Shakespeare--table against flat, L., with vase of flowers_.

MRS. BOBBINS. (within, R. D.) It's useless your denying it, Mr. Bobbins! I saw you do it--I saw you do it with my own eyes, sir!

AUGUS. (within, R. D.) My dear Constantia!--before the servants!

MRS. BOBBINS. (within, R. D.) Leave the room this instant, Rebecca! Leave the room, I say! You'll quit my service this day month.

REBECCA. (within, R.) Certainly, ma'am! certainly! with all my heart!

Enter REBECCA, R. D., slapping the door behind her.

Was there ever such a temper as missus? I never see such a one--never! If master will keep staring at me, is that my fault, I should like to know?

Enter FASTMAN, door C. from L.

FAST. (L.) Rebecca!--just one word!

REBECCA. (R.) Here's that tiresome Mr. Fastman again.

FAST. Well, have you anything to tell me? When is she coming home?

REBECCA. Lor, sir! why should you want to know? Missus has come home--she came home this morning.

FAST. No! you don't say so! Where is she?

REBECCA. Where is she?--why, where should she be? In the next room, at breakfast with her husband, to be sure.

FAST. The deuce she is! Don't talk so loud.

REBECCA. Why not? I'm not ashamed of what I'm saying.

FAST. Come home at last, then. Ah! (sighs) your mistress is a beautiful woman, Rebecca.

REBECCA. Beautiful?--that depends upon opinion; for my part, I don't like tall women.

FAST. I admire tall women. It seems to me an age since she has been away.

REBECCA. It may seem so to you, sir, but it hasn't to me, I promise you. I'm sure I wish she had stayed away ten times as long--for the first thing she has done on her return has been to give me warning.

FAST. Give you warning! What for?

REBECCA. Ah! what for, indeed?--you must ask her that. She is jealous of that husband of hers. She surprised him, just now, at breakfast, making eyes at me. How could I help it?

FAST. Oh, fie, Rebecca? What! do you encourage your master in that sort of thing?

REBECCA. I encourage him, indeed?--well I'm sure!--with a twelvemonth's character from my last place.

FAST. I beg your pardon--well I am sorry you are going to leave--you are such a nice obliging young woman, and I was going to ask you if you couldn't manage to--to give this letter.

REBECCA. To my master!

FAST. No, not exactly that, Rebecca, to your mistress.

REBECCA. Indeed, sir! I shall do nothing of the sort, you had better give it her yourself.

FAST. But I should never have the face, I tell you. There is something about Mrs. Bobbins that keeps me so completely at a distance, something so modest, so correct and proper--come, now, you are not going to be illnatured, see here's a queen's head for it. (showing her half a crown)

REBECCA. Sir, I'm ashamed of you, I'll have nothing to do with it!

FAST. Only give her the letter, and I'll help you to a place.

REBECCA. No, will you though? (eyeing the money which he forces on her, with the letter) No! really I can't! no, no! Well if you insist upon my taking the money--(aside--taking the money) But I'll be hanged if I give her the letter.

FAST. Yes, I know of a place that will suit you exactly, without your going out of the house. Mrs. Duval on the second floor here is in want of just such a pretty, clever girl as you are, to help her in her fancy work.

REBECCA. Why how did you come to know her, sir?

FAST. How did I come to know her? why, my sisters buy their wools of her, she embroiders my shirt fronts, marks my pocket handkerchiefs for me--you can't be in better hands; she is a most respectable person, and a first rate temper.

MRS. BOBBINS. (without R.) No, Augustus! no, Mr. Bobbins, I say she shall not remain.

AUGUS. (without) Nay, but Constantia!

MRS. BOBBINS. Silence, sir, I won't hear a word.

FAST. Why there's your mistress at high words with Mr. Bobbins.

REBECCA. That's nothing new, sir.