An Uninvited Member: A Play for Girls in Two Scenes

SCENE: It may represent a schoolroom, hall or campus, to suit the convenience. Entrances right and left or one entrance will be sufficient.

FLORENCE and VIVIAN enter, arms entwined around each other’s waists, whispering eagerly. They wear yellow badges with black letters. EFFIE, a little girl of eleven or twelve, comes tiptoeing up behind, pounces on the entwined arms and cries “Boo!” Girls jump and shriek slightly, then confront EFFIE indignantly.

FLORENCE. Effie Warren, you’re a perfect little nuisance!

EFFIE (mimicking her). Florence Dennis, you’re a perfect big nuisance!

VIVIAN. How long had you been there behind us?

EFFIE. Not under two seconds and not exceeding two hours, Miss Vivian. Sorry I cannot tell any closer, but I left my watch at home on the piano, and two hundred miles is a bit too far to run before prayer time.

FLORENCE. Did you hear what we said?

EFFIE. Don’t you wish you knew?

VIVIAN. Did you, Effie?

EFFIE. What’ll you give me not to tell, Miss Mason?

FLORENCE. A box of chocolates.

EFFIE. Goody! Then I won’t tell. But when will you give it to me?

VIVIAN. Run away, Effie. Florence doesn’t carry chocolates to prayers.

EFFIE. I suppose not. “I shall be obliged to confiscate these, young ladies (very primly), although it distresses me very much to be obliged to do so.” Oh, Florence, what’s your badge for? S. O. M. F. Is it a new society, and can’t I join?

FLORENCE. Yes, Effie, it’s a new society. No, you can’t join.

EFFIE Why can’t I?

VIVIAN. You are much too young and giddy (frivolous, I should say) to understand the high motives and lofty ideals of the S. O. M. F. You don’t even know who Socrates was.

EFFIE No; but I know he’s nothing to do with your society or you’d never have mentioned his name. I’m not quite a baby, Miss Vivian, if my dresses aren’t down to my ankles. My ankles aren’t so big I’m ashamed to show ’em, either! S. O.—Society Of—oh, I’ll find out your old secret yet!

FLORENCE. Effie, you’re a perfect terror. (Calling.) Betty! Betty!

Enter BETTY.

BETTY. Oh, what is it?

FLORENCE. If you have any faint remnant of regard for that small sister of yours, rescue her before I fall upon her with evil intent and commit a fell and awful murder with malice aforethought.

BETTY. Justifiable homicide, I should call it. What’s the kidlet been doing now?

EFFIE (indignantly). Kidlet yourself, Bettina Warren! Oh, Betty, you’ve got a badge, too! Do tell me what S. O. M. F. means. I’m dying to know!

Enter LILLIAN.

LILLIAN. Cheer up, Effie, we’ll all come to the wake.

Enter MAUDE and BEATRICE, arms entwined.

MAUDE. To whose wake?

BEATRICE. Are any of you girls going to commit suicide? If so, count me out. I positively decline.

BETTY. It’s only my small sister here—no one that counts.

EFFIE. Don’t I? You may find out yet, Miss Bettina. You think you’re so grown-up!

LILLIAN. What you dying of, Effie? Unrequited affection for the butcher’s boy?

EFFIE. No, nor for the Professor’s boy, either.

MAUDE. Good for you, Effie! Oh, Lil!

LILLIAN. Saucy little bunch! Betty, why don’t you make that kid behave?

EFFIE. Kid yourself! I’d like to see her try it!

BETTY. I would not. Effie’s dying of unrequited curiosity, Lil.

BEATRICE. Did you ever hear of Mother Eve, Effie?

EFFIE. Yes, I have! And of Pandora, and Meddlesome Matty, and Curious Carrie, and Bee Mortimer, and so on.

FLORENCE. Effie, you’ll surely be an old maid, your tongue is so sharp.