Kid Stuff

I was sitting there in my bachelor apartment, drinking a can of beer and trying to work a crossword puzzle to get sleepy. I wasn't especially jittery like the groom is always supposed to be on the eve of his wedding. Just wide awake at midnight, wanting to get sleepy so I could get some real rest when I went to bed.

Just sitting there trying to think of a two-letter word for "sun-god." And that made me think of the gold in Betty's hair when the sun was on it at the beach. And pretty soon I was just staring into space, aching for Betty, wishing the next twelve hours of my life would vanish and we could be together, heading for our little cottage at the lake.

Staring into space.... Then it wasn't just space. There were these two big ball bearings in front of me, about three feet in diameter, if you could say they had a diameter. They looked like ball bearings because their surfaces were shiny, mirrorlike steel. But they had unevenly spaced, smooth bumps. Something like the random knobs on a potato, so they weren't really round at all.

The light from my lamp reflected crazily, and my own image gaped back at me from their distorted, reflecting curves. Like the fun-mirrors at the crazy-house, only crazier ... and not funny at all. Fear is never funny. And I was afraid. I'll swear I could taste the terror. It was salty on my tongue. When I tried to cry out, the roof of my mouth felt like old concrete.

Then one of them spoke. "It's alive! Intelligent! It senses our presence!"

I was receiving pure thought, not words. But man thinks only in words. And their thoughts fished suitable words from my subconscious to frame them for my assimilation.

Telepathy? Impossible! What common points of reference could I have with these two unthinkably alien life-forms?

The answer whipped back at me on an intuitive, sub-vocal level: Thought is a universal energy manifestation. Language is only the clumsy vehicle for thought.

Between me and the aliens lay no such barrier.

"Obviously intelligent," the other agreed. "Feel those gamma radiations? Too bad they're so weak. It would be interesting if he could communicate with us."

I stammered aloud, "But--but I can communicate with you. I understand every--"

They were paying no attention to my raspy words. "Yes, that's typical of these ancient, organic life-forms. As I recall, they use some form of physical vibration of their gaseous medium for communicating among themselves--"

"Speaking of which," the other interrupted, "this particular gaseous medium seems to contain oxygen. We'd best not remain overlong or we'll corrode and catch hell when we return."

"Exude a little nickel if it irritates you. We'll catch hell anyway when mother--"

Yes, that's the word that came to me!

"--discovers when we've been. I'm curious about these flesh and blood creatures. I wonder who invented this clumsy monstrosity."

He meant me. He rolled a foot nearer, and the other followed with an uncertain wobble. "I turned out better in the third grade."

"Liar! You nearly flunked meta-plastics."

"Well, you did flunk it, so who are you to--?"

"Just don't be over-critical. I think this one looks fairly practical. Well-balanced--"

"That's just what I mean. Observe the unimaginative bisymmetry. Two arms, two legs, two eyes, five fingers on each hand, five toes on each foot. Surely, the inventor was a mechanic and no artist. In this light gravity there was no need for--"

"And how would you improve the design, your high-and-mightiness?"

"First let's remove the covering."

My clothes left my body gently, but with the sound of violent tearing. In two seconds I sat naked, my garments laid back like split bandages.

I shouted, "See here, for God's sakes!"

The aliens had made no visible move, yet they had wielded powerful forces to strip everything I wore from my body, shirt, slacks, underwear and even my shoes ... without so much as pinching my flesh.

I leaped to my feet naked as a straw. They were between me and the door, but they seemed so clumsy.

"Watch it! He's alarmed. Don't let him escape!"

"Try and stop me!" I screamed, tensing my muscles for a leap over the pair of intruders. Suddenly the air about my sweating body seemed to thicken to the viscosity of molasses. I could breathe it all right, but quick motion was denied me. My grand leap died before my right foot left the floor. I retreated to my chair in slow-motion panic, sinking slowly through the clabbered atmosphere, to a sitting position on my torn clothing.

"Yes, a very clumsy, unesthetic life-form. In fact the bisymmetry fairly nauseates me. Granted that the two arms are practical, doubtless one or the other does 90% of all work. So why have them of equal importance? See here, I'll demonstrate...."

"Wait!" the other cautioned. "This is a sentient creature. You can't operate without...."

"Of course not!"