Round-Up Time

There was madness in Manhattan when Queerpants came to town!

[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from Infinity Science Fiction, June 1956. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]

My wife don't believe me. That's why she made me come here, and I don't think you're gonna believe me, either, but it's the God's honest truth--and the money's mine.

Hell, I wouldn't never steal. I know there's a lotta fellas in my fix that do, but not me. I always been honest, and always got along okay.

Excuse me, but are you takin' this down just the way I'm tellin' it? Cuz I can't talk so good, ain't had much schoolin', and I want this took down just like I'm tellin' it, cuz it's gonna he hard enough to believe.

Okay, thanks.

The whole thing started yesterday mornin'. I went out early cuz my wife was sick and I wanted to try and get as much as I could by myself, in case there gonna be doctor bills. And it's a lot tougher goin' it alone, counta my wife plays the banjo, and that's a big help.

Well, the subway take on the way up from Brooklyn was pretty poor, so I got off at Columbus Circle and headed for the Park. I figgered, it bein' the Fourth of July holiday, there'd be pretty good pickin's there.

But hell, I never figgered it was gonna be that good!

I had a little trouble gettin' acrost Fifty-ninth Street--you know, where they been doin' all that diggin'?--and I took a bad spill there. My crutches slipped on that damn gravel they got spread all over the place. I don't usu'ly have trouble navigatin' that way, but this mornin' I was still kinda sleepy and wasn't watchin' myself enough.

Yeah, I went right on my ear--that's how I got this cut here. As if I ain't had enough trouble there.

This real nice guy come runnin' over and helps me up. He talked real funny, sorta with his teeth, like. I couldn't make out a thing he said. A furriner, I figgered.

Then when we get to the curb, he takes off like a bat outta hell into the park. That's when I noticed he was dressed kinda funny, too. Like the creases on his pants was on the sides, and his jacket was on backwards, and he didn't have no shoes on. Just some kinda floppy red socks, it looked like, with a lotta yella tassels on 'em.

Must be a character from the Village, I figgered. I seen a lotta queer ducks down there in my time.

Then I forgot about him, cuz I spotted a coupla young kids sittin' on the stone bench near the gate, and they looked like a good touch. So I dusts off my hat and gives 'em a try.

But they was still lookin' pop-eyed towards the park where the funny character went, and didn't give me a tumble atall. So I moved along into the park, and to hell with 'em.

There was only a coupla bums sleepin' on the benches near the gate, and I went on up the grade and around the bend. It was slow goin' uphill, and my leg was hurtin', but when I fin'ly got there, all the benches on both sides of the walk was empty.

I thought, Hell, I'm too early. But I kept on goin', even though my shoulders was startin' to hurt now. I didn't wanna grab a rest till I took in a coupla bucks, at least.

The ground levels off there, and it was easier goin', so I tried to get up a little speed, rememberin' there was a place up ahead where people always sit on the grass and get the sun.

And all the way, the benches was empty and not a soul in sight nowheres. I was thinkin' maybe there was some kinda celebratin' goin' on and I oughta been goin' up towards the Mall. But I knew it was too early for anythin' like that, so I kept on goin'.

And a damn good thing I did. Cuz when I reached that big field--you know, where the road cuts off?--there was a fair-sized crowd standin' around there.

They was all lookin' off towards the middle of the field. But I couldn't make out from where I was what was goin' on, and I didn't care much, anyways, cuz I don't care nothin' 'bout them parades and stuff. So I just started makin' my rounds.