
Public-domain ebook
A Message From Our Sponsor
by Henry Slesar
Language: en381 downloads on Project Gutenberg
Subjects
In: Short Stories·Science-Fiction & Fantasy·Humour
Public-domain ebook sourced from Project Gutenberg #67589.

Public-domain ebook
by Henry Slesar
Language: en381 downloads on Project Gutenberg
Subjects
In: Short Stories·Science-Fiction & Fantasy·Humour
Public-domain ebook sourced from Project Gutenberg #67589.
The opening · free to read
The foot-in-the-door technique would work perfectly for any salesman--if he had an invisible foot!
[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from Infinity Science Fiction, October 1956. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
"And that was Smoky Donahue's Western Swingsters, playing Red Dust for all you Martian fans out there. Now let's take a look at the new recordings, hot off the presses this week from all over the system. Looks like we have a real treat for you tonight, folks! There's a brand-new label from way out in outer space. Yes, sir, the very first record put on wax by the Martian Recording Company, and it ought to be a lulu. We'll spin it for you in just a minute, but first, here's a message from our sponsor, the Oxygen Corporation of America--Earth's oldest and finest manufacturers of compressed oxygen equipment.
"Friends, when you're scooting around in your little rocket roadster, do you ever stop to think that your fine vehicle deserves nothing but the best in equipment and accessories? Well, next time, take a look at your oxygen tanks. Are you still using the cumbersome, old, outmoded tank, with ugly valves and low capacity? Wouldn't you rather have the new, streamlined Oxco tank that gives you months of service without refilling? Models cost as low as four thousand dollars, and they're guaranteed up to a full year. Call your local rocket supply store today, and get all the facts. When you see the new Oxco, you'll know why we say ... Oxco never leaves you breathless!
"Well, I see Jonesy, our control board operator, waving at me like mad, folks. He wants to hear this new disc from Mars, too. So--without further ado--here we go. It's on the Canal label, and it's called ... Melancholy!"
The Martian, standing before his desk, shuffled his feet and rotated his cap with his third hand. "Displeasing you?" he said. "Come back other time do?"
"No!" Huber pointed to the chair. "You sit down. We're going to straighten this whole thing out right now."
He reached across the desk and snapped on the intercom. "Davis!" he said. "We're going to have a foremen's meeting. This minute!" Davis, at the other end, was inclined to argue, but the boss stopped him. "Don't tell me we're busy! I know our production schedule better than you do. Get the foremen up here right away!"
The foremen shuffled in ten minutes later. They looked sheepish, like small boys caught in the jam pot.
Huber got right to the point.
"Your boys have been picking on Chafnu again. And I won't stand for it!" He slapped the desk with a board-like palm for emphasis.
Curly, the foreman, said: "Aw, gee, boss. Just a little rhubarb, that's all. Just a little kiddin' around. Boys didn't mean any harm."
"Mean any harm?" Huber's eyes went so wide they threatened to pop out on the desk. "Chafnu! Show it to 'em."
The Martian looked embarrassed. Then he slowly lifted his rope-like foot and displayed the quarter-sized burn on the heel.
"Kidding around!" Huber looked dangerous. "That's what you call kidding around? They could have burned Chafnu to a crisp! You know how sensitive he is!"
Burke, the small parts man, said placatingly: "Well, the boys are kinda edgy, Mr. Huber. It must be the weather or something. They need a little what-do-you-call-it, outlet."
"Besides," said Curly, "the Goons kinda provoke 'em, you know what I mean--"
"_Don't ever use that word to me!_"
The irritation that had been brewing in Huber all day now boiled over. He walked around the desk and shoved his big-jawed face up close to Curly's chin. His small stature made no difference; Curly trembled nervously.
"They're Martians," the boss said. "Not Goons. Understand? Martians! Isn't that right, Chafnu?"
Chafnu looked as if he wished Earth had never been born. He glanced up guiltily at the assembled foremen.
"All right," said Huber. "Now let's get this straight. One more incident like today, and I'll hold you guys responsible. Chafnu and all the other Martians in this plant are doing good work--better, if you want to know, than most of you Earth guys--"
"Sure," mumbled Curly. "If we had three hands, we could--"
"That's enough, I said!" shouted the boss. He swabbed his forehead with his hand. "We got Oxco tanks to turn out, so let's get to it. The meeting's over!"
The foremen left, more crestfallen than when they had entered the office. Chafnu looked uncertain as to what he should do next. The Martian simply sat and watched Huber go back to his desk.
The boss went over to the musaphone and flipped the switch.
"My nerves are shot," he told Chafnu.
He sat back in his swivel chair, sighed, and closed his eyes. The haunting strains of Melancholy drifted through the office, and Huber listened and slowly relaxed.
The Martian just sat there, miserably.
"Time to climb into the wild black yonder again, with your old skipper, Vince Vanelli, bringing aid and comfort to all the ships in space. We got a rocket chamber full of new notes and blue notes, all the latest hits from the Bings of Earth to the Rings of Saturn. So buckle your g-belts, and lend an ear to the biggest instrumental smash that's hit the System in an eon.
"You asked for it, spacemen, so here it is again. That everloving outer-space symphony--_Melancholy_!"
Earth's gravity gripped it like a giant hand and brought it plummeting down into a granite quarry in Wisconsin. It was a Sunday, and the explosion of the ship's reactors didn't kill anyone but the two pilots. There was a routine investigation, but the evidence, as usual, was spread across too many states to make it productive.
But when the Marjorie, a space freighter, got herself in trouble, the pilot managed to reach the Earth Communication Center before he disappeared forever into the Mediterranean. The voice cried out something like "Ox on the bum!"
Then the Pinafore registered an S.O.S. This time an accident was avoided. A tug was dispatched to the site in a hurry, and the pilots were transferred. The captain of the tug submitted his log to the Space Commerce board, and the most pertinent page read:
"_Pinafore's_ oxygen tanks (mfr. Oxco, Serial #2853) were defective, and were seriously endangering life aboard."
Huber shifted in his seat. "Aren't you overdoing it, honey?" he asked uneasily. "I mean, do you really think you should drink so much?"
"It kills time," she said. "It makes the hours a little shorter. What else have I got to do? You've got your job. What have I got?"
"Well, I only meant--I mean, if the kids--"
"The kids are pasted to the screen," she replied, meaning that they were at the TV set. She flopped on the overstuffed sofa and yanked her skirt almost up to her thighs. She still had lovely legs, Huber thought, but she used them like an old frump. And she wasn't even fifty--just forty-seven. Why did she have to flop around that way?
"Well, let's have it," she said, twirling the amber fluid in her glass. "My Hard Day at the Office. By George Huber, Age Eleven."
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