Public-domain ebook
by Various
Language: en409 downloads on Project Gutenberg
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In: Punch·Humour·British Literature
Public-domain ebook sourced from Project Gutenberg #13074.
The opening · free to read
Mrs. G.-G. GALAHAD!
Mr. G.-G. (meekly). My love?
Mrs. G.-G. I see that the proprietors of All Sorts are going to follow the American example, and offer a prize of £20 to the wife who makes out the best case for her husband as a Model. It's just as well, perhaps, that you should know that I've made up my mind to enter you!
Mr. G.-G. (gratified). My dear CORNELIA! really, I'd no idea you had such a--
Mrs. G.-G. Nonsense! The drawing-room carpet is a perfect disgrace, and, as you can't, or won't, provide the money in any other way, why--Would you like to hear what I've said about you?
Mr. G.-G. Well, if you're sure it wouldn't he troubling you too much, I should, my dear.
Mrs. G.-G. Then sit where I can see you, and listen. (She reads.) "Irreproachable in all that pertains to morality"--(and it would be a bad day indeed for you, GALAHAD, if I ever had cause to think otherwise.')--"morality; scrupulously dainty and neat in his person"--(ah, you may well blush, GALAHAD, but, fortunately, they won't want me to produce you!)--"he imports into our happy home the delicate refinement of a preux chevalier of the olden time." (Will you kindly take your dirty boots off the steel fender!) "We rule our little kingdom with a joint and equal sway, to which jealousy and friction are alike unknown; he, considerate and indulgent to my womanly weakness,"--(You need not stare at me in that perfectly idiotic fashion!)--"I, looking to him for the wise and tender support which has never yet been denied. The close and daily scrutiny of many years has discovered"--(What are you shaking like that for?)--"discovered no single weakness; no taint or flaw of character; no irritating trick of speech or habit." (How often have I told you that I will not have the handle of that paper-knife sucked? Put it down; do!) "His conversation--sparkling but ever spiritual--renders our modest meals veritable feasts of fancy and flows of soul ... Well, GALAHAD?
Mr. G.-G. Nothing, my dear; nothing. It struck me as well,--a trifle flowery, that last passage, that's all!
Mrs. G.-G. (severely). If I cannot expect to win the prize without descending to floweriness, whose fault is that, I should like to know? If you can't make sensible observations, you had better not speak at all. (Continuing,) "Over and over again, gathering me in his strong loving arms, and pressing fervent kisses upon my forehead, he has cried, 'Why am I not a Monarch that so I could place a diadem upon that brow? With such a Consort, am I not doubly crowned?'" Have you anything to say to that, GALAHAD?
Mr. G.-G. Only, my love, that I--I don't seem to remember having made that particular remark.
Mrs. G.-G. Then make it now. I'm sure I wish to be as accurate as I can. [Mr. G.-G. makes the remark--but without fervour.
SCENE THE SECOND--_AT THE MONARCH-JONES'_.
Mr. M.-J. Twenty quid would come in precious handy just now, after all I've dropped lately, and I mean to pouch that prize if I can--so just you sit down, GRIZZLE, and write out what I tell you; do you hear?
Mrs. M.-J. (timidly). But, MONARCH, dear, would that be quite fair? No, don't be angry, I didn't mean that--I'll write whatever you please!
Mr. M.-J. You'd better, that's all! Are you ready? I must screw myself up another peg before I begin. (He screws.) Now, then. (Stands over her and dictates.) "To the polished urbanity of a perfect gentleman, he unites the kindly charity of a true Christian." (Why the devil don't you learn to write decently, eh?) "Liberal, and even lavish, in all his dealings, he is yet a stern foe to every kind of excess"--(Hold on a bit, I must have another nip after that)--"every kind of excess. Our married life is one long dream of blissful contentment, in which each contends with the other in loving self-sacrifice." (Haven't you corked all that down yet!) "Such cares and anxieties as he has, he conceals from me with scrupulous consideration as long as possible"--(Gad, I should be a fool if I didn't!)--"while I am ever sure of finding in him a patient and sympathetic listener to all my trifling worries and difficulties."--(Two f's in difficulties, you little fool--can't you even spell?) "Many a time, falling on his knees at my feet, he has rapturously exclaimed, his accents broken by manly emotion, 'Oh, that I were more worthy of such a pearl among women! With such a helpmate, I am indeed to be envied!'" That ought to do the trick. If I don't romp in after that!--(Observing that Mrs. M.-J.'s shoulders are convulsed.) What the dooce are you giggling at now?
Mrs. M.-J. I--I wasn't giggling, MONARCH dear, only--
Mr. M.-J. Only what? Mrs. M.-J. Only crying!
THE SEQUEL.
"The Judges appointed by the spirited proprietors of All Sorts to decide the 'Model Husband Contest'--which was established on lines similar to one recently inaugurated by one of our New York contemporaries--have now issued their award. Two competitors have sent in certificates which have been found equally deserving of the prize; viz., Mrs. CORNELIA GALAHAD-GREEN, Graemair Villa, Peckham, and Mrs. GRISELDA MONARCH-JONES, Aspen Lodge, Lordship Lane. The sum of Twenty Pounds will consequently be divided between these two ladies, to whom, with their respective spouses, we beg to tender our cordial felicitations."--(Extract from Daily Paper, some six months hence.)
"Come this way," said the boy, on whom the sight of the coin seemed to operate like some weird talisman, leading me to a remote part of the stage, the floor of which had been tastefully littered with orange-peel in a variety of patterns; "we shall be comfortabler."
"Now tell me," I said, "about this new piece."
"It's what they call a Tragedy," said the boy.
"Ah!" I replied, "that is interesting; but I want to know about the Author. What do you think of him?"
"The horther? Oh my!" said the precocious lad, producing an apple from his trousers' pocket, but his right eye still fixed on the talisman, "'e don't count. Why we none of us pays no attention to 'im. Crikey, you should 'a seen 'im come a cropper on his nut down them new steps. But, look 'ere, Sir," he continued, more solemnly, "I'm a tellin' yer secrets, I am; and if DILEY were to 'ear of it, I'd get a proper jacketin'. Swear you won't peach."
I gave the requisite pledge. "And that ere arf-crown?" he said. I nodded assent to what was evidently in his mind. Then he resumed. "It's a beautiful piece. The play, I mean," he explained; being fearful lest I should consider him as over-eager for the coveted and covenanted reward. "I'm sure o' that. The horther says so, and DILEY says so, and Miss O'GRADY says so; she's got the 'eroine to play,--and oh, don't she die in the lawst Act just proper, with pink light and a couple o' angels to carry 'er up! Then there's Mr. KEANE 'ARRIS, 'e touches 'em all up with 'is sword, 'places his back to the wall, and defies the mob,' is what the book says. So you may take it from me, it's fust-rate."
I thanked my intelligent little friend for his information, and was proceeding to put a further question about the music for this new Drama, which, as everyone will soon know, is to be a real chef d'oeuvre of Sir HAUTHOR SUNNIVUN, when a step was heard approaching across the stage--the deepest, by the way, in London--to where we were talking.
"That's 'im," said the boy, trembling. "'E's a noble-'earted master, so kind and generous, but 'e 'ates deception, and it would be more than my place is worth to let 'im catch me talking these 'ere dead secrets to you. Give us the coin. I'm orf!"
And, before I was able to carry out my portion of the contract, he was gone. And in another moment--so was I.
"May this be my poison, if my Bear ever dances but to the very genteelest of tunes, '_Water-parted_,' or '_The Minuet in Ariadne.'" She Stoops to Conquer_.
Viceroy (to Miss India, loquitur). "DON'T BE ALARMED, MY DEAR! THIS BEAR NEVER DANCES BUT TO THE VERY GENTEELEST OF TUNES!"
Be easy, my darling! He doesn't come snarling, Or rearing, or hugging, this young Dancing Bear. With you (and with pleasure) he'll tread a gay measure, A captive of courtesy, under my care; His chain is all golden. Your heart 'twill embolden, And calm that dusk bosom which timidly shrinks. Sincere hospitality is, in reality, Safest of shackles;--just look at the links!
Alarmists saw ruin in prospects of Bruin, The Great Northern Bear, treading India's soil. How bogies may blind us! On our side the Indus They fancy friend Ursa spies nothing but spoil; But Ursa's invited to come, and delighted To visit you, not as aggressor, but guest. So welcome him brightly, and treat him politely. And trip with him lightly, you'll find it far best,
ATTA TROLL (HEINE tells us) "danced nobly." Pride swells us To think our young guest is a true ATTA TROLL; No Bugbear, though shaggy, a trifle breech-baggy, And not altogether a dandyish doll; No Afghan intrigue, dear, or shy Native league, dear, Has brought Bruin's foot o'er our frontier to dance: He comes freely, boldly--don't look on him coldly, Or make him suspect there is fear in your glance.
Be sure that the Lion will still keep his eye on All Bears and their dens, in the Tiger's behalf; Meanwhile Ursa Minor eschews base design, or Intrigue against you, dear. Lift eyes, love, and laugh! I'll answer for Bruin, he shall not take you in-- The Bear's bona fides nobody impugns; He asks a kind glance, and your hand in a dance; and He'll dance "to the very genteelest of tunes"!]
She. Oh, then it's a mistake their quarrelling, as I suppose it will be hard upon the poor, especially during the winter?
He. Fancy that's the idea. Been to the Guelph Exhibition?
She. Yes, and I think it's a pity they took the jewels out of GEORGE THE FOURTH's Crown. I should like to have seen the Koh-i-Noor.
He. But they wanted them for the one at the Tower, don't you know, and as for the Koh-i-Noor, was that invented in his time?
She. Perhaps it wasn't. Stay, wasn't it discovered by Captain COOK, or DRAKE, or somebody?
He. I daresay. I have never looked the matter up. À propos, One-pound Bank-notes are to be issued.
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