Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, February 6, 1892

ENTIRELY UNSOLICITED TESTIMONIAL.--_Dartmoor_.--Gentlemen,--Two years ago I wrote somebody else's name with one of your pens. Since then I have used no other.

Yours faithfully, A.F. ORGER. "To Messrs. STEAL, KNIBBS & CO."

Once upon a midnight dreary Coming home I felt so weary, Felt, oh! many a pain; so curious, Which I'd never felt before. Then to bed,--no chance of napping, Blankets, rugs about me wrapping, Feverish burning pains galore. "Oh! I've got it! oh!" I muttered, "Influenza!! what a bore!!" Only this!!--Oh!!--Nothing more!!

Oh! my head and legs are aching! Now I'm freezing! Now I'm baking! Clockwork in my cerebellum! Oh! all over me I'm sore! In my bed I'm writhing, tossing, Yet I'm in a steamer, crossing. While KIRALFY's Venice bossing, I'm "against" and RUSSELL "for" In a case about the Echo, Somewhere out at Singapore! It's delirium!!! Nothing more.

Then a Doctor comes in tapping Me all over, tapping, rapping. And with ear so close and curious Pressed to stethoscope, "Once more," Says he, "sing out ninety-ninely, Now again! You do it finely! Yes! Not bigger than a wine lee, There's the mischief, there's the corps Of the insect that will kill us, Hiding there is the Bacillus; Only that, and nothing more!"

"Why's he here with fear to fill us? Will he leave me, this Bacillus? Not one bone do I feel whole in, And of strength I've lost my store." Thus I to the Doctor talking, Ask "When shall I go out walking"? He, my earnest queries baulking, Says, "When all this trouble's o'er," "Monday? Tuesday? Wednesday? Thursday Friday? Saturday? Sunday? or In a week?" "Um!--not before."

"Doctor!" cried I, "catch this evil Fiend! Bacillus!! Microbe!! devil!! Second syllable in Tem-pest! Send him to Plutonian Shore. Send him back to where he came from, To the place he gets his fame from, To the place he takes his name from; Kick him out of my front door!" So the Doctor feels my pulse, and, As I drop upon the floor, Quoth the Doctor, "Some days more."

["I am like a traveller lost in the snow, who begins to get stiff and to sink down while the snowflakes cover him. In fact, I am gradually losing interest in politics, but the feeling, like that of the traveller sinking under the snow, is a pleasant one."--_Prince Bismarck to the Deputation of Leipsic Students_.]

AIR--"_Excelsior_!"

The century was waning fast, As through a wintry waste there passed A man, who bore, 'mid snow and ice, A banner with the strange device, Excel no more!

His brows were blanched; his eye beneath Flashed like a falchion from its sheath; Red fields had heard his armour clang. But now he smiled and softly sang, Excel no more!

In barracks huge he saw the might Of mailed hosts arrayed for fight; Afar the fierce Frank bayonets shone, And from his lips escaped a moan, Excel no more!

"Think of the Past!" the young men said, "Like SAUL you towered by the head Midst those three Titans, Prussia's pride!" Softly that once stern voice replied, "Excel no more!"

"Oh, stay," the young men cried, "and mix Once more in Teuton Politics!" "Nay," said the Titan, "I grow old, And, like poor TOM, I am a-cold! Excel no more!"

"Beware the snow-encumbered branch! Beware the whelming avalanche!" "Thanks!" he replied. "I know, I know. But--well, I rather like the snow! Excel no more!"

"Lost in the snow! An easy death! Gentle surcease of mortal breath! I sink, I stiffen, I'm foredone! The feeling though's a pleasant one; Excel no more!"

The traveller by his faithful hound Half-buried in the snow was found, Still muttering from a mouth of ice That banner's late and strange device, Excel no more!

There in the snow-drift cold and grey, Silent, but stalwart, still he lay, Great "Blood-and-Iron," brave and bold, But--for the nonce--"Out in the Cold!" Excel no more?

["Perhaps the popularity of the competition in national sport between the different parts of the Empire is worthy of the serious attention of statesmen ... Mr. ASTLEY COOPER proposes rowing, running and cricket ... There is something fascinating in the idea of such a Pan-Britannic gathering."--_Daily Paper_.]

The SPEAKER, having taken his seat in the Pavilion, the Minister for Cricket rose to move the third reading of The Six-balls-to-an-over Bill.

The Right Hon. Gentleman said that the amount of time wasted in changing sides, although the field did their best to minimise the loss by assuming a couple of positions alternately, was very serious--especially in a first-class match.

The Member for Melbourne begged to ask what was a first-class match?

The Member for Sydney replied, certainly not a match between Canada and Victoria. (Laughter.) Now everyone was aware that New South Wales--("_Question! Order! Order!")_ He begged pardon, he was in order.

The SPEAKER. I really must request silence. The Minister for Cricket is introducing a most important measure, and the least we can do is to receive his statement with adequate attention. (General cheering.)

The Minister for Cricket continued, and said that the measure he had the honour to commend to their careful consideration would not only lengthen the over, but also allow Cricket to be played all the year round.

The Minister for Football begged to remind his Right Hon. friend that he had promised to consider that matter in Committee. What would become of Football were Cricket to be played continuously? ("_Hear, hear_!")

The Member for Bombay thought that a matter of no moment. In India Polo was of infinitely more importance than Football, and he could not help remarking that, in the Imperial Parliament, representing so many sports, and so many Colonies, where every great interest was represented, and well represented, Polo was absolutely ignored. (Cheers.)

The Minister for Aquatic Sports agreed with the Hon. Member. Polo was entirely of sufficient interest to warrant the creation of a special department for its guardianship. But at present he was responsible for it. He hoped soon to be able to welcome a colleague who would make its interests his continual study. ("Hear, hear!")

The Minister for Cricket concluded by thanking the House for the attention the Hon. Members had given to the subject, and sat down amidst loud applause.

A division being taken, the Bill was carried by 127 to 96. The majority were composed of Australians and Canadians, and the minority were Africans, Indians, and miscellaneous Colonists. The House then adjourned.