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by Various
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In: Punch·Humour·Essays, Letters & Speeches
Public-domain ebook sourced from Project Gutenberg #15142.
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Once again "my foot is on my native heath."--(I don't know where this quotation comes from, but presume the author of it had lost a leg, or he would have placed his feet there--or else he must have had one leg shorter than the other, and so couldn't put both down at once!)--and heartily glad I am to be there--we had a most alarming passage from Jersey, and I thought every moment would be my last--(for a time)--but I was cheered and stimulated to endurance by the noble example of my friend and fellow-passenger The MACDOUGAL--Chief of the Clan--who was obtrusively well up to lunch-time!--but I had my revenge then, for he was unable to face the dish of Haggis that I am given to understand every right-minded Scotchman thinks it his duty to eat at least once a day.
However, "I pulled through all right," as Lord ARTHUR would say, and was so delighted with my sailor-like indifference to the "rolling-sea," that I adopted a rolling-walk on landing, which was most impressive, to judge from the staring of the inhabitants of Weymouth!--(I may confess to you that I couldn't help myself; everything was going up and down and sideways, for hours after I landed, and I really think the sea ought to be done away with, or flattened out by some means!--there's a fortune for the man who invents the machine which will do it!)--I should prefer it done away with myself, as then there would be no mackerel-fishing!
I have no personal animosity against the humble but lovely-looking mackerel; but I was weak enough to accept an invitation to go fishing for them, and you may imagine my horror at being "roused out,"--(yachting expression, very significant)--at three in the morning to go and capture them!--or at least to _try_--for as a matter of fact, we didn't get a single one--and my temper was "roused out" before we'd finished, for no well-conducted woman cares to be balked in her efforts to "hook a big fish,"--and all I could catch were a few small "Pollock" and "Pout." By the way, who on earth christens the fish, I wonder?--and why on earth--or rather in sea--are there so many varieties which you must either remember or submit to nave your ignorance jeered at by the practised fisherman, who has probably acquired his information concerning them only the day before?
The English "Bay of Naples" is a wonderful place, and its resemblance to its Italian prototype is admirably sustained through the liberality of the Local Board in encouraging the importation of Italian penny-ice men! I really think this wholesale importation of foreigners is being carried to excess, and has already created a feeling that England is no place for the English! And then the concerts you can hear for nothing!--that is, if you harden your heart when the man comes round with the tin pail!--everyone has a spade or a pail at the seaside--all the latest London successes, from TOSTI to "_Ta-ra-ra_," accompanied by a strong contingent of the Salvation Army Brass Band!--and there is a lot of "brass" about the Army still unaccounted for! What an enervating part of the world this is! One quite realises what "lotus-eating" means, even though there are no lotuses about!--(I wonder if that's the correct plural?--or is it "_Loti_"? which looks like French, only wants "PIERRE" as Christian name. Or if additional "_t_" introduced, it would be "Lotti," suggestive of COLLINS' Ode to Boom, &c.; but I am wandering)--and it requires enormous energy to do anything more than loll about and bathe; even on the Island of Portland, where the air is rather more invigorating, I am told there are numbers of people who express a strong disinclination to perform any hard labour whatever, in spite of the fact of a short residence there having been recommended as calculated to improve their general "tone"! I only wish the aforesaid Salvation Army Band would go there on a lengthy visit, as its "tone" leaves much to be desired at present.
I hear that the Brighton Meeting was a great success both in weather and racing; and the present "Horse of the Century," Buccaneer, fully maintained his reputation, winning his race in what they call "gallant style," and beating _Lady Rosebery_--not, perhaps, a gallant thing to do, but Buccaneers have always been notoriously rough to the sex!
I am afraid thousands of my readers must be getting impatient for more of my excellent prophecies, but I really cannot run the risk of ruining my health by reading the papers when in the country; and, as patience is an admirable virtue, I feel I am doing my duty in encouraging it as much as possible. So, for yet another cycle of time (poetic, and usefully vague),
I am, Yours, in idleness, LADY GAY.
ODE TO BUCCANEER.
Sing hey for the life of a Convict Bold! Sing ho for his healthy life! Sing hey for his peaceful days when old, Secluded from care and strife!
_Introduction._--Delighted to have the opportunity of exploring the Ironice Mountains. Hearing they abound with frozen mud which would be most useful if it could be removed to the plains below without melting. The watercress plant too might be grown on the summit, if it is practicable to take up orchid-forcing houses. Ought to get the Gold Medal of the Geographical Society if I open out this region that will be fraught with such blessings to commerce. So far as I can judge, it will only be necessary to take twenty batteries of Artillery, a dozen squadrons of Cavalry, and (say) sixteen battalions of Infantry. And I think we might as well take a Naturalist.
_A little Later._--Made a good start. Appointed Professor POPOFF to be our Naturalist. He is a little out of practice, but passed the preliminary examination very satisfactorily. Only made one trifling mistake. Said that tea-roses belonged to the cactus family. Fancy they don't, but am not sure. The suggestion that cucumbers were dug out of the ground like potatoes, was only an error of judgment. Anyone might have made it. But although rusty in his science, he is well up in machine-gun drill. He will suit the expedition to a nicety. Artillery, Cavalry, and Infantry in first-rate condition.
_Later still._--Made our first important scientific discovery to-day. Find that you can't grow broad beans on the soil at the base of the Ironice Mountains. At least you may plant them, but they won't grow to any size within the space of half-a-dozen hours. Tried the experiment. To clear the necessary space of ground, had to remove the natives. Did this in gallant style with the assistance of all branches of the Service. The Professor rendered valuable support with his Gatling. Hadn't time to bury the kilted, but said some kind things, when bidding them adieu, to the wounded.
_Further on._--Most anxious to discover whether canaries sing half-way up the Ironice Mountains. Had some little trouble in establishing a footing on the plateau. After eight hours' hard fighting got to the required spot. The natives seem to have no respect for scientific research. Had to remove them in the usual fashion. The Cavalry had to abandon their horses, but the dismounted men were most useful in burning villages. The Professor continued to carry up his Gatling, and used it with the customary result. When we got to the plateau, disappointed to find no canaries. So we could not ascertain whether they would sing at that altitude. However, when we have completed the proposed railway, it will be quite easy to bring up a few of those charming birds, and continue the interesting experiment.
_Later._--After six weeks' hard fighting, have at last got to the summit. Cleared the place of the natives according to the recognised scientific formula. The Infantry had to use their bayonets freely. The Professor again well to the front with his Gatling. He is a wonderful man, and seems to have been accustomed to it all his life. It is almost a pity that he should be so devoted to science. He would have made a first-rate soldier.
_Nearly the Latest._--Sorry that our expedition has not been entirely successful. I am very much afraid that it will be impossible to grow watercresses at this altitude, even with the genial aid of orchid-forcing houses. I do not see how we could get up the necessary materials to the summit, although assisted by proposed railway. Still, when the line is constructed, we might make the attempt. But from a commercial point of view, I do not believe that the experiment would repay the cost.
_Sequel._--Delighted to find that our scientific expedition has one result. I have consulted the Professor, and we are both of the opinion, that from the summit of the Ironice Mountains it is possible to get a splendid bird's-eye view of India.
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