Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 January 11, 1890

An unsatisfactory christmas present.--We can well understand and sympathise with you in your disappointment on discovering that you had been deceived as to the amount of intelligence possessed by the Learned Pig that you had been induced to purchase as a Christmas present for your invalid Grandfather. It must have been very annoying, after having imagined that you had provided your aged relative with a nice long winter's evening amusement resulting from the creature's advertised powers of telling fortunes and spelling sentences with a pack of ordinary playing cards, to receive a letter from the housekeeper bitterly complaining of its performance, which seems merely to have consisted of eating all the tea-cake, biting a housemaid, getting between your Grandfather's legs and upsetting him in his armchair, and, finally, when pursued, trying to obtain refuge in the grand piano. You cannot be surprised after this experience, that it has been intimated to you that if you do not take the creature yourself away at once, it will be forthwith handed over to the first policeman that passes. Yes, spite the pig's reputed intellectual gifts, we would advise you to close with the pork-butcher's offer you mention. When the creature has been cut up, send your Grandfather some of the sausages. This may possibly appease the old gentleman, and serve to allay the irritation that your unfortunate Christmas gift appears to have occasioned.

THE NORTH WALLS.--The Sporting Correspondent of the Sunday Times tells us that Colonel NORTH is "having a new ball-room"--(he wouldn't have an old one built, would he? But no matter)--"the walls of which are composed of onyx." Of course, a Billionaire pays all the workmen punctually and regularly; therefore, "Owe-nix" walls are an appropriate memorial. Si monumentum quaeris, circumspice.

(New Non-Virgilian Version told by Punchius to the Shade of Sayerius in the Elysian Fields. With Intercalary Observations by the Illustrious ex-Pugilist.)

Illustration: Mr. Punch. "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, TOM?"

Shade of Sayers. "THINK!" (Disgusted.) "WHY, I THINK THE SOONER THE P. R.'S PUT DOWN, THE BETTER!"

Then bulky DARES in the ring appears, Chucking his "castor" in 'midst husky cheers. DARES, the so-called "Champion" of his land, Who met the great KILRAINUS hand to hand, And at the Pelicanus strove--in vain-- The Ethiopian's onset to sustain. Such DARES was, and such he strode along, And drew hoarse homage from the howling throng. His brawny breast and bulky arms he shows, } His lifted fists around his head he throws, } Huge caveats to the inadvertent nose. } But DARES, who, although a sinewy brute, Had not of late increased his old repute, Looked scarce like one prepared for gain or loss, And scornful of the surreptitious "cross;" Rather the kind of cove who tackled fair Would think more of the "corner" than "the square." ("Ah! bust him, yes!" SAYERIUS here put in, "He meant to tie or wrangle, not to win. I'd like to--well, all right, I will not say: But 'twasn't so at Farnborough in my day.") Next stout ENTELLUS for the strife prepares, Strips off his ulster, and his body bares, Composed of mighty bone and brawn he stands. A six-foot straight, "fine fellow of his hands." ENTELLUS, Champion of the Austral realm, Whose sight fat DARES seemed to overwhelm. ("Yah!" cried SAYERIUS, "brave HEENANUS stood Well over me; yes, and his grit was good. But did I funk the Big 'Un from the fust? No, nor when nine times I had bit the dust!") They both attentive stand with eyes intent, Their arms well up, their bodies backward bent. One on his clamorous "Corner" most relies; The other on his sinews and his size. Unequal in success, they ward, they strike, Their styles are different, but their aims alike. Big blows are dealt; stout DARES hops around, His pulpy sides the rattling thumps resound. ("He always was a fleshy 'un, yer know," Said brave SAYERIUS. "But on yer go!") Steady and straight ENTELLUS stands his ground, Although already rowdy rows abound. His hand and watchful eyes keep even pace, While DARES traverses and shifts his place, And, like a cornered rat in a big pit. Keeps off, and doesn't like the job a bit. ("No, that I'll bet!" the brave SAYERIUS said. "Wish I'd been there to punch his bloomin' 'ed!") More on his feet than fists the cur relies, And on that crowded "Corner" keeps his eyes. With straightening shots ENTELLUS threats the foe, } But DARES dodges the descending blow, } And back into his Corner's prompt to go. } Where bludgeon, knuckleduster, knotted sticks, Foul sickening blows and cruel coward kicks Are in his interest on ENTELLUS rained At every point that plucky boxer gained. ("Oh!" groaned SAYERIUS. "And this sort of thing Wos let go on, with gents around the Ring!") In vain ENTELLUS gave sly DARES snuff; DARES already felt he'd had enough; But twenty ruffians, thralls of bets and "booze," Had sworn could he not win he should not lose. DARES, you see, was "Champion" of his land, And these were "Trojans all" you'll understand. ("Champion be blowed!" SAYERIUS said. "Wus luck, They wasn't Trojans. This is British pluck!") Then from the Corner fiendish howls arise, And oaths and execrations rend the skies. ENTELLUS stoutly to the fight returned. Kicked, punched and mauled, his eyes with fury burned, Disdain and conscious courage fired his breast, And with redoubled force his foe he pressed, Laid on with either hand like anything, And headlong drove his rival round the Ring; Nor stops nor stays, nor rest, nor breath allows. Thereon the Corner raised redoubled rows, Yelled false alarms of "Rescue!" heaved half-bricks, And murderous missiles and unmanly kicks Poured on ENTELLUS, whilst fat DARES slunk Between his bullies, like a shabby skunk. ("Bah!" growled SAYERIUS. "Fancy CRIBBS or GULLIES Backing down under guard of blackguard bullies!") But now the Ref., who saw the row increase, Declared a "draw," and bade the combat cease. ("A draw?" SAYERIUS shouted. "Was he drunk? Or had he, like the rest, a fit of funk?") "This," PUNCHIUS said, "ended the precious game. In which all, save ENTELLUS, suffered shame. SAYERIUS mine, I trust you take delight In this description of a Champion Fight!"