
Public-domain ebook
Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 98, March 1, 1890
by Various
Language: en295 downloads on Project Gutenberg
Subjects
In: Punch·Humour·Essays, Letters & Speeches
Public-domain ebook sourced from Project Gutenberg #29992.

Public-domain ebook
by Various
Language: en295 downloads on Project Gutenberg
Subjects
In: Punch·Humour·Essays, Letters & Speeches
Public-domain ebook sourced from Project Gutenberg #29992.
The opening · free to read
"Though cold the coxcomb, and though coarse the boor, Though dulness haunts the rich and pain the poor, In this colossal city, Yet London is not Rome, O Shade!" I said. "A later JUVENAL should not find her dead To purity and pity."
"Satire, of shames and follies in sole quest, Is a one-eyed divinity at best," My guide responded, slowly. "The tale of ZOILUS hath its moral still. Such critics are but blowflies, their small skill To carrion given wholly.
"Not all the Romans of DOMITIAN's days Were such as live in JUVENAL's savage lays; Not all the Latian ladies Were HIPPIAS or COLLATIAS. Neither here May all be gauged by satire's rule severe, Or earth would be a Hades.
"The scalpel hath no terrors for the sound, Nor is the hand that wields it harshly bound To ceaseless vivisection. The Cynic sharply sees, but sees not far; The eye that hunts the mote may miss the star Too great for scorn's detection.
"Dream not, oh friend, because I let the light On lurid London through the cloak of night (As was my undertaking.) That I've a spirit wholly given to scorn, Or blind to all, save sin, that with the morn Will see a bright awaking.
"Yet could the freedman's son but wield his flail In London, there are those might shrink and pale As did DOMITIAN'S minion. PARIS lives yet, pander and parasite Still flaunt in bold impunity, despite A custom-freed opinion.
"Dull in the drawing-room, our beardless boys Can sparkle in the haunts of coarser joys, Coldness and muteness vanish When TULLIA dances or when POLLIO sings. With riotous applause the precinct rings, There chill restraint they banish.
"Behold Lord LIMPET in his gilded Box, His well-gloved palms and scarlet silken socks Actively agitated; He who erewhile about the ball-room stood A solemn, weary, whispering thing of wood, And sneered, and yawned, and waited."
"Wondrous!" I cried. "The youngster's cheeks flush red, Wide laugh his lips, and swiftly wags his head, He cheers, he claps, he chuckles. Can he, the languid lounger limp and faint Give way to mirth with the mad unrestraint Of boys with ribs and knuckles?
"Frankly canaille is that dancing chit Slang and suggestiveness serve her for wit, And impudence for beauty. Yet frigid 'Form' melts at her cockney spell, 'Form,' which votes valsing with the reigning belle An undelightful duty.
"Bounds on the arch-buffoon, with flexile face, With bagman smartness and batrachian grace. Is he not sweet and winning? Mime of the gutter, mimic of the slum, Muse of the haunts unspeakable, else dumb, A satyr gross and grinning?
"LIMPET smiled," he said. "SHAKSPEARE'S boldest wit Leaves LIMPET listless, but each feature lit At that last comic chorus. London is full of LIMPETS; clownings please The well-groom'd mob, though ARISTOPHANES Would miserably bore us.
"Untile the Town entirely? Nay, good friend, That were to affright the timid, and offend The tender and the trustful. Unlifted yet must lie the dusky screen That veils the viler features of the scene, The dread and the disgustful."
"Shadow!" I said, "Civilisation fails, While surfeits Idleness, and Labour pales. For all its spread and glitter, The Titan City lacks its crowning grace And glory, whilst its pleasure is so base, Its bondage is so bitter."
"True!" sighed the Shadow, and a softened smile Seemed to illume the coldness, void of guile, Of those phantasmal features. "When from the City's gloom shall flash to light This truth: The sleek and selfish sybarite Is meanest of God's creatures?"
"Shadow!" I cried. But in the darkness dim Those lineaments did waver and dislimn Like clouds at the sun's waking. Alone I stood; fled was the night, the dream, And o'er the sleeping City's sullen stream Babylon's grey dawn was breaking.
THE END.
A DIAG-NOSE-IS OF WINE.--The Case of Champagne set before Mr. Alderman and Sheriff DAVIES. Of course, the worthy Alderman, who is a judge of wine, needed only to raise the glass to his nose. He smelt it to see if it was Corke'd. But in answer to the charge of false labelling, it should have been simply pleaded that, at the manufactory, the labels were not simply put on, but Clapt-on. Whether this defence would have gone to mitigate the fine of twenty pounds, is another matter. The Alderman's decision was given, much as the public generally pay for Champagne,--good or bad,--that is, "through the nose."
Time to the eager seems to lag, Howe'er his glass be shaken; Yet struck the hour when from the bag The Creature should be taken.
Three Judges sage had cooped it there Three Judges wise, three Judges fair, At him Society will ejaculate Who hints a Judge is not immaculate. The Judge's ermine none dares dim (Unless the Judge differs from him).
Now men discussed, with glee or dolour, The question of the Creature's colour. "Black as my hat," cries one, "_I_ know." "Nay!" shouts another, "white as snow!" Whether the thing revealed should prove To ape the Raven or the Dove, Was matter of dispute most furious; Angry were most, and all were curious.
At last arrived the eventful day When from the bag the thing must crawl, And lo! the Creature's tint was grey, Which disappointed all.
But though Truth brings a brief confusion To obstinate foregone conclusion, Prejudice, routed most dis_mally_, Will quickly to Unreason rally. And so the one side would remark That for a grey 'twas wondrous dark; The other side did more than hint They never saw so light a tint; "Deep iron-grey!" said one, "Oh, stuff!" Another cried at most a buff! "In tint below, in hue above, 'Tis little deeper than a Dove! In fact, looked at in a strong light, 'Tis scarce distinguishable from white!" "_White!_" yelled a third, with rage half throttled, "With jet-black streaks 'tis thickly mottled. If not pure Raven, all must own No Magpie hath a sootier tone!"
And so the rival parties raged and wrangled; Judgment considered whilst the bigots jangled, And the great bulk of them 'twas sad to find, Wore party-coloured specs., or else were colour-blind!
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