Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 98, May 24, 1890

SCENE--_A Nursery. Enter_ Miss JENNY and Miss POLLY, who perform a blameless step-dance with an improving chorus.

Oh, isn't it jolly! we've each a new dolly, And one is a Soldier, the other's a Tar! We're fully contented with what's been presented, Such good little children we both of us are!

[_They dance up to a cupboard, from which they bring out two large Dolls, which they place on chairs._

Miss J. Don't they look nice! Come, POLLY, let us strive To make ourselves believe that they're alive!

Miss P. (addressing Sailor D.). I'm glad you're mine. I dote on all that's nautical.

The Sailor D. (opening his eyes suddenly). Excuse me, Miss, your sister's more my sort o' gal!

[_Kisses his hand_ to Miss J., who shrinks back, shocked and alarmed.

Miss J. Oh, POLLY, did you hear? I feel so shy!

The Soldier D. (with mild self-assertion). I can say "Pa" and "Ma"--and wink my eye.

[_Does so at_ Miss P., who runs in terror to Miss J.'s side.

Miss J. Why, both are showing signs of animation!

Miss P. Who'd think we had such strong imagination!

The Soldier Doll (aside to the Sailor D.). I say, old fellow, we have caught their fancy-- In each of us they now a real man see! Let's keep it up!

The Sailor D. (dubiously). D'ye think as we can do it?

The Soldier D. You stick by me, and I will see you through it. Sit up, and turn your toes out,--don't you loll; Put on the Man, and drop the bloomin' Doll!

[_The_ Sailor Doll pulls himself together, and rises from chair importantly.

_The Sailor D. (in the manner of a Music-hall Chairman)_--Ladies, with your kind leave, this gallant gent Will now his military sketch present.

[Miss J. and P. applaud; the Soldier D., after feebly expostulating, is induced to sing.

Song, by the Soldier Doll.

When I used to be displayed In the Burlington Arcade, With artillery arrayed Underneath. Shoulder Hump! I imagine that I made All the Lady Dolls afraid, I should draw my battle-blade From its sheath, Shoulder Hump! For I'm Mars's gallant son, And my back I've shown to none, Nor was ever seen to run From the strife! &c. Oh, the battles I'd have won, And the dashing deeds have done, If I'd ever fired a gun In my life! &c.

Refrain (to be sung marching round Stage).

By your right flank, wheel! Let the front rank kneel! With the bristle of the steel To the foe. Till their regiments reel, At our rattling peal, And the military zeal We show!

[_Repeat, with the whole company marching round after him._

The Soldier Doll. My friend will next oblige--this jolly Jack Tar Will give his song and chorus in charack-tar!

[_Same business with_ Sailor D.

Song, by the Sailor Doll.

In costume I'm So maritime, You'd never suppose the fact is, That with the Fleet In Regent Street, I'd precious little naval practice! There was saucy craft, Rigged fore an' aft, Inside o' Mr. CRE-MER'S. From Noah's Arks to Clipper-built barques, Like-wise mechanical stea-mers.

But to navigate the Serpentine, Yeo ho, my lads, ahoy! With clockwork, sails, or spirits of wine, Yeo-ho, my lads, ahoy! I did respeckfully decline, So I was left in port to pine, Which wasn't azactually the line Of a rollicking Sailor Boy, Yeo-ho! Of a rollicking Sailor Bo-oy!

Yes, there was lots Of boats and yachts, Of timber and of tin, too; But one and all Was far too small For a doll o' my size to get into! I was too big On any brig To ship without disas-ter, And it wouldn't never do When the cap'n and the crew Were a set o' little swabs all plas-ter!

_Chorus_--So to navigate the Serpentine, &c.

An Ark is p'raps The berth for chaps As is fond o' Natural Hist'ry. But I sez to SHEM And the rest o' them, "How you get along at all's a myst'ry! With a Wild Beast Show Let loose below, And four fe-males on deck too! I never could agree With your happy fami-lee, And your lubberly ways I objeck to."

[_Chorus. Hornpipe by the company, after which the_ Soldier Doll advances condescendingly to Miss JENNY.

The Sold. D. Invincible I'm reckoned by the Ladies. But yield to you--though conquering my trade is!

Miss J. (repulsing him). Oh, go away, you great conceited thing, you!

[The Sold. D. persists in offering her attentions.

Miss P. (watching them bitterly). To be deserted by one's doll does sting you!

[_The_ Sailor D. approaches.

The Sailor D. (to Miss P.) Let me console you, Miss, a Sailor Doll As swears his 'art was ever true to POLL!

(N.B.--Good opportunity for Song here.)

Miss P. (indignantly to Miss J.) Your Sailor's teasing me to be his idol! Do make him stop--(spitefully)--When you've quite done with my doll!