Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, June 21 1890

The prevalence of wet weather has had a painful effect on the aspect of the metropolitan streets. We do not refer so much to their having been universally inundated with rain, but rather to the absence from them of those pretty dresses in which it is customary for ladies to disport themselves during sunny weather. For instance, it was calculated the other day by a well-known wrangler, that if the tangential surface of a Bond Street pavement be represented by the formula: x([Greek: pi] + y^{n^th}) = y + x - [Greek: pi]/x, the decrease in the number of pedestrians appearing on a wet day may be set down as 18426-1/52.

A Correspondent calls our attention to the prevalence of green on the various trees of the Metropolis. "This phenomenon," he observes, "is noticeable in May and early June every year. Some trees are greener than others, whilst others scarcely come up to the standard of leafy verdure displayed by their fellows. Taking the trees in the Park and arranging them in the inverse ratio of their distances at rectangular intervals from the common centre of their growth, it will be found that the surface area of a Plane-tree is equal to exactly five hundred times the cubic capacity of a gooseberry bush, measured from a point on its inner circumference."

Miss ROBINSON, Mrs. TOUCHE-ARMING, and Lady CORDELIA CROSSBIT, were photographed yesterday. We hear that excellent likenesses of these brilliant ornaments of the Upper Ten have been secured.

The wonderful tameness and docility of the three African lions now going through their daily performance at the French Exhibition at Earl's Court, have astonished no less than pleased all who have witnessed them, but it is not generally known, that their obedient condition is due to their diet. This has for some time consisted of a well-known infant's and invalid's food, washed down with copious draughts of a widely advertised patent medicine that claims to act as "a special brain and nerve tonic," and it is this last that it is said is responsible for the quenching of the natural ferocity and utter prostration of spirit which enables their talented trainer, together with the watchful attentions of a highly intelligent boar-hound, to put them through a series of playful and innocent tricks, hitherto associated rather with the entertaining efforts of the skilled and educated guinea-pig than with the masterly ferocity of the monarch of the desert. [Oh yes! We're not going to allow an advertisement to be sneaked in like this. But as we required a paragraph to fill up space, here it is, with name and address of Infant's Food provider omitted! Aha!--ED.]

Poor Miss HARKER went to Stockton, to Stockton on the Tees, But not to make her fortune, or to loll at home at ease; She went to be a governess, and hoped, it would appear, To board and lodge and dress herself on £15 a-year.

A lady once informed us how a lady can be dressed As a lady all for £15, and in her very best; But she never would have ventured to include in her account The lodgings and the breakfasts too for this immense amount.

Now life may be a river, as Pactolus was of old, Which brings you lots of water to a minimum of gold, But sometimes it were better, when the water sinks so low That it fails to turn your mill-wheel, if the river ceased to flow.

So all day long with urchins three Miss HARKER toiled in chains, And she poured the oil of learning well upon their rusty brains, And she practised them in music, and she polished up their sense With the adverbs and the adjectives, and verbs in mood and tense.

And they said, "She's doing nicely, we will give her something more (Not of money, but of labour) ere we show her to the door, Why, we've got two baby children, it is really only fair That Miss HARKER should look after them, and wash and dress the pair.

"And, Miss HARKER, it will save us such a lot of trouble too, If, when our servants leave us, they can leave their work to you. So you'll please to cook our dinner, let your motto be Ich Dien, (No, no, you needn't thank us) and you'll keep our dishes clean.

"And, of course, you'll do it daily--what was that you dared to say? You would like to rest a week or so, and want a holiday? Who ever heard such nonsense? Well, there's one thing we can show, Not politeness, but the door to you--Miss H. you'd better go."

So she went, but brought her action, and I'm thankful to relate That when the case was argued she hadn't long to wait. "Costs and judgment for the plaintiff, the defendants' case is fudge, Pay her monthly wage, she's earned it and deserves it," said the Judge.

There be Englishmen in England, sleek men, and women too, Who tie their purse-strings tighter than tradition's grasping Jew. What care they for fellow-feeling, who for profit try to lure Fellow creatures to their grindstone for the faces of the poor?

And they set some wretched slave to work her fingers to the bone, Then sullenly deny her bread, or give at best a stone; And after she has grubbed and scrubbed, they insolently sneer At one who dares to ask for rest on £15 a-year. *

As Sung by the Not-quite-at-Home Secretary in his Unpopular Entertainment.

WHY DID MONRO RESIGN? WAS IT ANY FAULT OF MINE?

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH-- ASK THE P'LICEMAN!]

MR. M-TTH-WS sings:--

The Police Force are a noble lot, They clear our streets and squares; To Demonstrators give it hot, And banish civic scares. But there's one thing I wish to know; Why do the public grin When one Commissioner will go, And t'other won't stop in?

Chorus.

Why did MONRO resign? Ask a P'liceman! Was it any fault of mine? Ask a P'liceman! Every member of the Force Backs the popular Boss--of course! If you want to know the truth, Ask a P'liceman!

I'm very sure I'm always right, And yet it's vastly queer, My Secretary's aid they slight, My Pension-projects jeer. My Superannuation plan Won't wash--at Scotland Yard. They seem against me to a man. It's really very hard.

Chorus.

If you'd know why WARREN went, Ask a P'liceman! Or why MONRO'S not content, Ask a P'liceman! Isn't it enough to vex The most genial of Home-Secs.? If you want an answer--plump, Ask a P'liceman!

I'm getting quite unpopular; I can't imagine why. If in the Force itself there's war, 'Gainst me there'll be a cry. Fancy our Constables on strike For Eight Hours, and the rest! The prospect's one I do not like. P'licemen, don't be a pest!

Chorus (in which Mr. M-T-TH-WS does not join.)

If you want to know the facts, Ask a P'liceman! About M-TTH-WS and his acts, Ask a P'liceman! If you wish the truth to know About popular MONRO, And who next ought to resign, Ask a P'liceman!!!

Miss Smith (to Brown, who has just been relating an amusing personal experience). "HOW GOOD! AND DID IT REALLY HAPPEN TO YOU?"

Brown. "YES, _REALLY_--ONLY YESTERDAY!"

Jones (his hated rival). "AH! BUT I CAN TELL YOU A STILL OLDER STORY THAN THAT, ABOUT A FELLOW WHO----" [_Tells a regular Joe Miller._ ]

"_Miss Blank will make her first appearance in Juliet at a Matinée_;" i.e., That some theatrical coach sees his way to making a little additional profit out of a wealthy and ambitious pupil.

"_Why don't you look in?--house crammed every night, but always room for you_;" i.e., Last attempt to place a free admission when the theatre is empty, and the vouchers have been refused at the poster-displaying tobacconists.

Why lug in "Braes"? Fronts may be, and have been, false, but never these "Backs." They never looked lovelier than at the commencement of last week,--fine weather, warm, a gentle breeze. Lucky Cantabs, to have such an idyllic idling place, where you can moon, spoon, stroll, study, work or play, and, if in your boat, smoke, for the pernicious weed is forbidden in the well-kept gardens, though it may be indulged in on the water, beneath whose surface another pernicious weed can be seen luxuriating.

Once more I visit the A. D. C., and witness a capital performance of a burlesque, Der Freischütz, founded on one of H. J. BYRON'S, and written up to date by a precious STONE. Burlesque is not dead! Very far from it. The "Sacred Lamp" is not even flickering, but burning with undiminished brilliancy. For a time learned Thebans essayed to extinguish it with High Comedy and even Shakspearian Drama. But the A. D. C. was meant for recreation, and no Undergraduate saw any amusement in either performing or witnessing High Comedy or an historical Drama by WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE. Relaxation for the pale student was needed, so dancing and singing, and jokes, topical hits, and comic business, drew big houses, and amused both players and audiences. The classical Puritanical rebellion was over, and the Merry Monarch, King Burlesque, was restored to his throne, merrier than ever. A crowded house, and I am informed crowdeder and crowdeder every night.

The burlesque is a good one, as the story of Der Freischütz is closely parodied, and it is not a mere variety show. And the actors are as much in earnest as the other actors were in earnest, terrible earnest, just thirty-five years ago, for the date over the proscenium reminds me that the A. D. C. was founded in 1855. There are some old original members down here, and they regard some old original photographs of themselves when they were all boys together in this A. D. C. The photographs are of beardless youths, all very much in earnest. The middle-aged, grey-bearded men are contemplating their former selves with an air of surprise. "Dear me! and those were us!" they exclaim, in Academical English. They see themselves as others saw them then, and they are secretly disappointed, though they soon recover their serenity, and with pride to think their lineaments have been preserved and handed down from generation to generation, they bring up their wives and daughters to look at the pictures, and to listen to their "tales of a grandfather."

Alas! the photographs are fading, and soon, but for the extant history of the A. D. C., dedicated to its Honorary President, H.R.H., the Prince of WALES, its origin would be lost in the obscurity of the dark ages (before they were the grey ages), or be so confused and intermingled with myth as to render any account of its early days untrustworthy.