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In: Punch·Humour·British Literature
Public-domain ebook sourced from Project Gutenberg #33669.
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Now that your own particular theatrical adviser and follower, Mr. NIBBS, has left London for a trip abroad, I venture to address you on matters dramatic. I am the more desirous of so doing because, although the Season is nearly over, two very important additions have been made to the London playhouse programme--two additions that have hitherto escaped your eagle glance. I refer, Sir, to The Doctor at the Globe, and The Colonel at the Comedy--both from the pen of a gentleman who (while I am writing this in London) is partaking of the waters at Royat. Mr. BURNAND is to be congratulated upon the success that has attended both productions. I had heard rumours that The Doctor had found some difficulty in establishing himself (or rather herself, because I am talking of a lady) satisfactorily in Newcastle Street, Strand. It was said that she required practice, but when I attended her consulting-room the other evening, I found the theatre full of patients, who were undergoing a treatment that may be described (without any particular reference to marriages or "the United States") as "a merry cure." I was accompanied by a young gentleman fresh from school, and at first felt some alarm on his account, as his appreciation of the witty dialogue with which the piece abounds was so intense that he threatened more than once to die of laughing.
I have never seen a play "go" better--rarely so well. The heroine--the "_Doctoresse_"--was played with much effect and discretion by Miss ENSON, a lady for whom I prophesy a bright future. Mr. PENLEY was excellent in a part that fitted him to perfection. Both Miss VICTOR, as a "strong woman," and Mr. HILL, as--well, himself,--kept the pit in roars. The piece is more than a farce. The first two Acts are certainly farcical, but there is a touch of pathos in the last scene which reminds one that there is a close relationship between smiles and tears. And here let me note that the company in the private boxes, even when most heartily laughing, were still in tiers. As a rule the Doctor is not a popular person, but at the Globe she is sure to be always welcome. Any one suffering from that very distressing and prevalent malady, "the Doleful Dumps," cannot do better than go to Newcastle Street for a speedy cure.
The Colonel at the Comedy is equally at home, and, on the occasion of his revival, was received with enthusiasm. Mr. BRUCE has succeeded Mr. COGHLAN in the title rôle, and plays just as well as his predecessor. Mr. HERBERT is the original Forester, and the rest of the dramatis personæ are worthy of the applause bestowed upon them. To judge from the laughter that followed every attack upon the æsthetic fad, the "Greenery Yallery Gallery" is as much to the front as ever--a fact, by the way, that was amply demonstrated at the Soirée of the Royal Academy, where "passionate Brompton" was numerously represented.
The Bells of Hazlemere seem to be ringing in large audiences at the Adelphi, although the piece is not violently novel in its plot or characters. Mrs. BERNARD-BEERE ceases to die "every evening" at the end of this week at the Opéra Comique until November. I peeped in, a few days since, just before the last scene of As in a Looking-Glass, and found the talented lady on the point of committing her nightly suicide. Somehow I missed the commencement of the self-murder, and thus could not satisfactorily account for her dying until I noticed that a double-bass was moaning piteously. Possibly this double-bass made Mrs. BERNARD-BEERE wish to die--it certainly created the same desire on my part. Believe me, yours sincerely,
ONE WHO HAS GONE TO PIECES.
ELIGIBLE CONTINENTAL TRAVELLING COMPANION.--A D.C.L., B.M., and R.S.V.P. of an Irish University, is desirous of meeting with one or two Young English Dukes who contemplating, as a preliminary to their taking their seats in the House of Lords, passing a season at Monaco, would consider the advertiser's society and personal charge, together with his acquaintance with a system of his own calculated to realise a substantial financial profit from any lengthened stay in the locality, an equivalent for the payment of his hotel, travelling, and other incidental expenses. Highest references given and expected. Apply to "MASTER OF ARTS." Blindhooky. County Cork.
INVALID OUTING. EXCEPTIONAL ADVANTAGES.--A confirmed Invalid, formerly an active member of the Alpine Club, who has temporarily lost the use of his legs, and has in consequence hired a Steam-traction engine attached to which, in a bath-chair, he proposes making a prolonged excursion through the most mountainous districts of Wales, is anxious to meet with five other paralytics who will join him in his contemplated undertaking, and bear a portion of the expense. As he will take in tow two furniture vans containing respectively a Cottage-Hospital and a Turkish-bath, and be accompanied by three doctors, and a German Band, it is scarcely necessary for him to point out that the details of the trip will be carried out with a due regard to the necessities of health and recreation. While the fact that a highly respectable firm of Solicitors will join him en route, will be a guarantee that any vexatious litigation instituted against him by local boroughs for the crushing and otherwise damaging their gas and water-mains, or running into their lamp-posts will, if it occur, be jealously watched and effectually dealt with. In the not unforeseen, though by no means expected event of the Traction Engine becoming by some accident permanently wedged in and unable to move from some inaccessible pass, it is understood that the party shall separate, and that each member shall be at liberty to return home by any route he may select for himself as most convenient and available for the purpose. For all further particulars apply to X. X. X., Struggle-on-the-Limp, Lame End, Beds.
LIFE IN THE COUNTRY. RARE OPPORTUNITY.--An impecunious Nobleman, whose income has been seriously reduced owing to the prevailing agricultural depression, would be willing to let his Family Mansion to a considerate tenant at a comparatively low rental. As half the furniture has been seized under a distress-warrant, and as a man in possession is permanently installed, under a bill of sale, in charge of the rest, a recluse of æsthetic tastes, to whom a series of rooms entirely devoid of furniture would present a distinct attraction, and who would find a little friendly social intercourse not an altogether disagreeable experience, might discover in the above an eligible opportunity. Some excellent fishing can be had on the sly in the small hours of the morning by dodging the local Middle-man to whom it has been let. Capital rat-shooting over nearly an eighth of an acre of wild farm-yard buildings. Address, "MARQUIS." Spillover. Herts.
THE BEST PART OF HALF A PACK OF HOUNDS FOR SALE.--A Midland County Squire, who, through having come into a Suburban Omnibus business, is about to relinquish his position as a county gentleman, is anxious to find a purchaser for what is left of a Pack of Hounds, of which he has for several years been the acknowledged Master. The "remnant" consists of a Dachshund, a Setter, slightly blind of one eye, two Drawing-room Pugs, a Lurcher, and a French Poodle, who can tell fortunes with a pack of cards, jump through three papered hoops at a time, walk round the room on his fore legs, and take five o'clock tea with any assembled company. Any enthusiastic huntsman wishing "to ride to hounds" in the middle of August, could, with a little preliminary training, scarcely fail to find in the above all the elements that would provide him with a capital run, even at this comparatively early season of the sporting year. With a red herring tied on to the fox, they could be warranted not to miss the scent; and, failing their performances in the field, might be safely relied on as a striking feature in any provincial Circus. The advertiser would be glad to hear from a respectable and responsible sausage manufactory.--Apply, MASTER, Packholme, Kenilworth.
(Whom Mr. Punch, with his characteristic sense of justice and fair-play, is proud to recognise as no less representative than his earlier types--although he could wish he had the pleasure of encountering them a little more frequently.)
SCENE--_A large Branch Post Office. The weather is oppressively warm, and the Public slightly irritable in consequence. Behind the counter are three Young Ladies, of distinctly engaging appearance, whom we will call_ Miss GOODCHILD, Miss MEEKIN, and Miss MANNERLY, respectively. As the Curtain rises, Miss GOODCHILD is laboriously explaining to an old lady with defective hearing the relative advantages of a Postal and a Post Office Order.
The Old Lady. Just say it over again, so that a body can hear ye. You young Misses ought to be taught to speak out, 'stead o' mumbling the way you do. Why can't ye give me a Postal Order for five-and-fourpence, and a'done with it, eh?
Miss Goodchild (endeavouring to speak distinctly). A Post Office Order will be what you require. See, you just fill in that form, and then I'll make it out--it's quite simple.
Old Lady. Yes, I dessay, anything to save yourselves a little trouble! You're all alike, you Post-Office young women. As if I couldn't send five-and-fourpence to my boy down at Toadley in the 'Ole, without filling up a parcel o' nonsense!
Person behind (with a talent for grim irony of a heavy order). Can you inform me whether there are any arrangements for providing luncheon for the Public--because, as it appears I am to spend the entire day here----
Miss Goodchild (sweetly). I'm so very sorry to keep you waiting, Sir. As soon as ever I have attended to this lady!----
Old Lady. If you call it attending--which I don't myself. There's your form.
Miss Goodchild. Oh, but you haven't told me whom you want the order made out to!
Old Lady. I did--I told you it was my son. If you hadn't been woolgathering, you'd ha' heard me. I'm sure I speak plain enough!
Miss Goodchild (laughing good-humouredly). Oh, yes, you speak very plainly--but I want the name in full, please, to put in the instructions.
The Person with the Irony. When you have quite concluded your little conversation----
Miss Goodchild (as she fills in the order). Now, Sir, what can I do for you?
The Person with the Irony. Well, I should be glad to be informed what you mean by requiring me to take out a licence for a dog that died of distemper a fortnight after I had him--and I had a warranty with him too!
Miss Goodchild. Oh, but that isn't my department, you see. You must go----(gives him elaborate instructions as to the place he is to apply to.)
The Person. Ah, if you had had the common courtesy to tell me all that before, I should not have wasted my time like this! [_Exit in wrath._
A Feeble Lady (to Miss MEEKIN). Oh, I just thought as I was passing by--may I put my umbrella here--and these parcels? thank you. I daresay you can tell me. Does the Mail for New Heligoland touch at Port Sandune? They go every other Friday, don't they? or is it changed to alternate Tuesdays now? and will there be anyone on board who would look after a box of Japanese rats if I sent them?--they'll want feeding, or something I suppose.
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