Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, October 29, 1887

Name: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, October 29, 1887
Author: Various

by Various

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English wit and humor -- Periodicals

In: Punch·Humour·British Literature

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_Vide Times Report, Oct. 18._]

Awfully pleased to meet Mr. WILLIAM AGNEW at Manchester. Odd coincidence of Christian names. I shall speak of him and allude to him as "The Other WILLIAM." He promised to keep by me, and show me all the pictures worth seeing.

"T'Other WILLIAM," said I, "you are very good. As you know, I take a great and sincere interest in pictures and works of Art, although I know very little about them." T'Other WILLIAM protested. "No, T'Other WILLIAM, I am right. You have been the means of providing me with a commodity most difficult of all others to procure if you do not possess it yourself--that is to say, you have provided me with brains." Further protests from T'Other One. "No, T'Other WILLIAM, hear me out; for you know in all cases where a judgment has had to be passed upon works of Art, I have been accustomed to refer a great deal to you, and lean upon you, because you have been constantly the means of enabling me really to see, and really to enjoy, and in some measure to appreciate and understand, all that you have shown to me."

I was so pleased with this little speech that I made HERBERT take it down as I repeated it to him privately when T'Other was looking in another direction. When I brought it out afterwards, at luncheon in the Palm-house, it went wonderfully. So it should, because I felt every word of it. T'Other WILLIAM is one of the kindest and most courteous of my friends.

I was very pleased with the Exhibition, although perhaps (I am not certain of this) I might have seen it better had not about four thousand visitors followed our little party everywhere, cheering vociferously. I was consequently obliged to keep my attention most carefully fixed upon the exhibits, as when I caught any stranger's eye, the stranger immediately (but with an eagerness that did not exceed the limits of good behaviour) called upon me to make a speech then and there upon the subject of "Home Rule." I am sure I should on each and every occasion have only been too delighted, had not Sir ANDREW warned me not to indulge too much in that sort of thing. The crowd, however, had its decided advantage, inasmuch as we were carried off our feet everywhere. In this luxurious fashion we were wafted to Messrs. DOULTON'S Pottery Manufactory, to Mr. JESSE HAWORTH'S loan exhibition of Egyptian antiquities, the name "JESSE" recalled to me the poor misguided JOE'S "JESSE," the second fiddle, but toujours fidèle, and to a great many other shows of almost equal interest.

But of course the feature of the Exhibition was the collection of pictures. I was absolutely delighted. T'Other WILLIAM explained everything, and amongst other portraits showed me one of myself by MILLAIS. I imagine that everybody must have thought it very like, because when they observed me inspecting it, they cheered more vigorously than ever. For my part I can't help feeling that Sir JOHN might have done more with the collars. He has not (to my thinking, although I confess I may be wrong) put quite enough starch in them. This is my own idea, as I did not consult T'Other One upon the subject. Great as my reliance is upon him concerning works of Art, I reserve the right of using my own judgment in the matter of collars. Passing through the galleries I was delighted with everything I saw. The only drawback to my pleasure was the fact that I was followed (as I have already hinted) by a cheering crowd, who occasionally, and, no doubt, accidentally, drowned the voice of my kind Mentor. Under other circumstances I should have drawn the distinction between the Mentor and the Tor-mentors. Think this, but don't say it. For instance, when we were standing in front of "_Ramsgate Sands_," this is what reached my ears eager for instruction:--

"'_Ramsgate Sands_,' by FRITH--('Hooray!')--who, as you know, has just written--('Speech! Speech!' 'Home Rule!' 'Three cheers for MORLEY!')--full of anecdotes of all sorts of interesting people. If you went to Ramsgate now, you would find----('We are going to give you another carpet, old man!' 'Hooray, hooray, hooray!' 'Three Cheers for Home Rule!--An extra one for Manchester!')--and practically the sand-frequenters we are carefully examining in this picture are of thirty years ago. ('Speech! Speech!') You must know----('Hooray, hooray, hooray!')"

And at this period my dear friend was silenced by our being carried away in an irresistible stream to the Palm-house, where we took part in an excellent luncheon. Here I delivered my speech, which I pride myself was first-rate. I called Manchester the Modern Athens, explaining, however, that no offence was intended to the capital of Midlothian. Take it all round, then, in spite of the "exuberant interest" shown in me by my fellow-citizens, I have had a very pleasant day, thanks chiefly to T'Other WILLIAM.

_October 25._--Lecture by amiable Police Magistrate to six hulking rowdies, who have been assaulting the Police, on the duty of "bearing distress patiently." Tells them "not to do it again," and dismisses them with aid from the Poor Box and his blessing. Surprise of rowdies.

_October 26._--Unemployed employ themselves in sacking portion of Bond Street, during temporary withdrawal of Police for a little rest.

_October 27._--Sitting Alderman at Mansion House gives a Socialist Deputation some sympathetic and fatherly advice, and recommends them to "study laws of supply and demand." Invites them to Lord Mayor's Banquet. Deputation accepts invitation readily, and, on emerging into street, is chivied down Cheapside by infuriated mob of other Socialists, who have not received invitations.

_October 28._--New Leaders of Mob (vice Deputation, resigned) denounce sympathetic Alderman as a "bloated exploiter." Nelson Monument pulled down. Ten leading tradesmen, in neighbourhood of Trafalgar Square, unable to do any business, owing to streets being blocked with rioters, go into bankruptcy.

_October 29._--Gathering of "Unemployed" in Westminster Abbey. Unemployed complain bitterly because chairs have no cushions. The Dean, conducted to pulpit under strong police escort, preaches very conciliatory sermon on duty of Upper Classes, all, except Deans, to give most of what they possess to poor; advises poor to wait patiently till they get it. Retires under heavy shower of hymn-books. Unemployed "remain to prey."

_October 30._--Westminster Abbey sacked, in consequence of Dean's conciliatory sermon. The Canons go off.

_November 1._--Mansion House Relief Fund started. Fifty thousand pounds subscribed the first day by leading philanthropists who have had all their windows broken. Trade paralysed, and numbers of Unemployed consequently increasing. Speech by celebrated Statesman, contrasting disorder and lawlessness in Ireland with universal contentment and order existing in England.

_November 2._--Mob helps itself to chief pictures in National Gallery, on ground that they "belong to the people." Raffle organised for the Raffaelles. Fifteen policemen have their ribs broken.

_November 3._--Whole Police Force disabled by angry mob armed with bludgeons and revolvers. Sympathetic Alderman at Mansion House ventures to ask Government if "matters are not really going a little too far," and is ducked in Thames. All the West-End shops in-wested by looters.

_November 4._--Prime Minister declares that "much as he regrets the depression of trade and want of employment, yet he thinks that on the whole, recent proceedings have not been quite creditable to Capital City of Empire." Military called out, and streets cleared in no time. Ringleaders of mob arrested, and given a year's imprisonment with hard labour. Trafalgar Square railed round and planted with prickly cactus. Business resumed and confidence restored. Government begins to think of a Bill to deal with real London grievances--such as rack-rents, slum-dwellings, and foreign pauper labour. [_And high time too!_

A CLOUD OF YACHTS.--The account of the British owner published last week, confirms the notion that the much-talked-of superiority of the Thistle over the Volunteer was mere vapouring. This is not surprising. All that could be appropriately expected from such a weed was smoke!

Sancho Panza (to himself). "I CANNOT HELP IT,--FOLLOW HIM I MUST: I HAVE EATEN HIS BREAD, I LOVE HIM: ABOVE ALL I AM FAITHFUL."--_Don Quixote_, Part ii., Book iii., Ch. xxxiii.]

The age of our gentleman bordered upon fifty years. He was of a strong constitution, spare-bodied, of a keen, not to say hatchet-like visage, a very early (and rapid) riser, and a lover of the orchid.

His judgment being somewhat obscured, he was seized with one of the strangest fancies that ever entered the head of any naturally astute person. This was a belief that it behoved him, as well for the advancement of his own glory as the service of his country, to become a knight-errant (though, indeed, there was, perhaps, about him more of the errant than the knightly), and traverse the northern parts of Hibernia, armed and mounted, in quest of adventures, redressing every species of grievance save such as were not found in his own list, or "programme," which latter, indeed, he would by no means admit to be "grievances" at all. The poor gentleman imagined himself to be at least crowned Autocrat of Orangeia by the valour of his arm; and thus wrapt in these agreeable illusions, and borne away by the extraordinary pleasure he found in them, he hastened to put his design into execution.

The first thing he did was to scour up some rusty armour which had done service in the time of his great-grandfather, and had lain many years neglected in a corner. This he cleaned and furbished up as well as he could, but he found one great defect--it would not in any part stand one stroke from modern steel, much less one shot from modern gun. However, as he was rather fired with the yearning to attack than impressed with the necessity for defence, this deficiency troubled him but little.

In the next place he visited his steed, which though but a hobby of wooden aspect and no paces, yet in his eyes it surpassed any charger that the Achilles of Hawarden ever bestrode, or the Automedon of Derby ever handled. Many days was he deliberating upon what name he should give it; for, as he said to himself, it would be very improper that a horse so excellent appertaining to a Knight so famous should be without an appropriate name; he therefore endeavoured to find one that should express what he had been before he belonged to a knight-errant, and also what he now was; nothing could, indeed, be more reasonable than that, when the master changed his state, the horse should likewise change his name, and assume one pompous and high-sounding, as became the new order he now professed. Failing in this endeavour, he called his hobby, provisionally at least, Ne Plus Ulster, a name which if it suggested a sorry joke, was so far fitting that it was bestowed upon a sorry nag.

In the meantime our knight-errant had brought his persuasive powers to bear upon a humble labourer in the fields which he himself had lately left, a neighbour of his, some said of his own distant kin, and an honest man, but somewhat shallow-brained and self-important. In short, he said so much, used so many arguments, that the poor fellow resolved to sally out with him, and serve him in the capacity of a Squire. Among other things, DON QUIXOTE told him that he ought to be very glad to accompany him, for such an adventure might some time or the other occur, that, by one stroke, an Island might be won, where it was within the bounds of possibility that he, the Squire, might one day become Governor, or at least Viceroy. With this and other promises SANCHO PANZA (for that was the rustic's name) left his well-beloved three acres at home, not to name a favourite cow, for a time at least, and engaged himself as Squire to his ambitious neighbour.

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