Plish and Plum

Breeches short and long surtout, Crooked nose and cane to suit, Gray of soul and black of eye, Hat slouched back, expression sly-- Such is old Sol Shuffleshins; How complacently he grins! Fittig's door he's passing now; Hark! a furious, row-wow-wow! Scarcely has the echo gone, When the following scene comes on. Turn and twist him as he will, Plish and Plum stick to him still; Underneath his long surtout Tugs and tears each crazy brute. Shall that happen twice? not quite! Mind shall triumph over might! Presto! What strange dog is there, Hat in mouth? the young ones stare. What queer quadruped can he, Backing toward the doorway, be? Mrs. Fittig hears the clatter, Comes to see what is the matter. Soft as on a mossy bank, In her lap Sol backward sank. Fittig also came in view. "Ow!" cried Sol, "I'm torn in two! Herr von Fittig pays me for 't, Or I'll carry it to court!" He must pay; that makes him pout Worse than having ten teeth out. In despair he casts askance At that youthful pair a glance,-- Seeming plainly to confess, "I've no words your shame to express" Little care the hardened creatures For their parent's play of features. "Bad enough!" says Sly, "he! he! Awful bad! but not for me!"

Plish and Plum, their deeds declare, Are a graceless, low-lived pair. Yet they live in close communion; And for that, in my opinion, They deserve some commendation; But will 't be of long duration? "Rogue & Co."--such firm, be sure, Cannot many days endure. In the sunshine, vis-a-vis, Sits a lap-dog, fair to see. To our pair this lovely sight Is a rare and keen delight. Each would gain the foremost place To behold that beauteous face. If the front is gained by Plish, Plum looks glum and dismalish; Then if it is seized by Plum, That makes Plish exceeding glum. Soon low-muttering thunders growl, Paws scratch gravel, eyeballs roll, And the furious fight begins; Plum cuts dirt, his brother wins. Mamma Fittig stands and makes Chicken salad and pancakes,-- Those well known and favorite dishes, Every child devoutly wishes. Whirr! right through the window come, Helter-skelter, Plish and Plum. Pot and pan and stove and stew Mingle in one grand ragout. "Wait! you vile Plish!" Peter holloos, And the word instanter follows With a well-aimed blow; but Paul Doesn't relish that at all. "What d' ye mean, to strike my creatur'?" Cries out Paul, and lashes Peter; Who, inflamed with pain and passion, Winds up Paul in curious fashion. Now the battle desperate grows; Each the costly salad throws, In a frenzy, at his brother, And they poultice one another. In comes papa Fittig, hasting To inflict on them a basting. Mamma Fittig, full of kindness, Fearing anger's headlong blindness, Cries, "Best Fittig! pray consider!" But her zeal for once undid her. Her lace cap, so nice and new, Fittig's cane has bored quite through. Laughs the wicked Sly, "He! he! All are done for, now, I see!" He who laughs at others' woes Makes few friends and many foes. Hot and heavy the old chap Finds, I guess, the pancake cap. "Bad," said Sly, "as bad can be, And this once, too, bad for me!"

So now there sit Plish and Plum, Very dull and very glum. Two strong chains, and short, did hem The activity of them. Fittig seriously reflected: "This must somehow be corrected! Virtue needs encouragement; Vice gets on by natural bent." Paul and Peter now began Schooling with Herr Buckleman. At the first day's session he Thus addressed them pleasantly: "Dear lads,--I assure you, I am very Glad you have come to this seminary; And, as I hope, with all your powers Intend to improve these precious hours. And first, the things most important to mention, Reading, writing, and ciphering will claim our attention; For these are the arts by which man rises To honor and wealth, and wins great prizes. But, secondly, what good would all this do, Unless politeness were added thereto? For he who is not polite to all Into trouble will certainly fall. Finally, therefore, bending before you, As you see, I entreat and implore you, If in good faith you have made up your mind To follow the rules I have now defined, Then lift up your hands and look me in the eye, And say, 'Herr Buckleman, we will try!'" Paul and Peter thought: "Old man, D'ye think us greenhorns? Is that your plan?" They give no answer, but inwardly They grin and giggle, and say, "he! he!" Whereat old Master Buckleman Gave a low whistle, and thus began: "Since, then, you've resolved to be Hardened reprobates," said he, "I am resolved, face down, to lay You both across my desk straightway, Applying the stick to your hinder parts In hopes of softening your hard hearts." Drawing out then from beneath His coat, like sabre from its sheath, His good hazel rod, of stuff Flexible and tight and tough,-- He with many a sturdy thwack Laid it on each urchin's back. Nay, he trounced two backs in one, Till he deemed the work was done. "Now then," he spoke in a tranquil way, "Belovèd children, what do you say? Are you content and are we agreed?" "Yes, yes, Herr Buckleman,--yes, indeed!" Such was the method of Buckleman; We see the good effects of his plan. 'Twas the talk of the people, one and all,-- "Charming children--Peter and Paul!" And so they tried it on Plish and Plum: They too, also, to school must come. And the Buckleman plan's applied Faithfully to each one's hide. Masters of Arts, they're soon approved, And universally beloved; And, as one might well expect, Art shows practical effect.

CONCLUSION.

One day travelling through the land, With a field-glass in his hand, A well-dressed man of fortune came; Mister Peep, they called his name. "Can't I, as I pass," said he, "View the distant scenery? Beauty reigns elsewhere, I know, Whereas here 'tis but so-so." Here he pitched into the pond, Viewed the mud and naught beyond. "Paul and Peter,--look and see Where the gentleman can be!" So said Fittig, who just then Walked forth with the little men; But fu'l soon it was made plain Where the gentleman had lain, When he, minus hat and glass, Stood all dripping on the grass. "_Allez!_ Plish and Plum, apport!" Came the order from the shore. Strictly trained to fetch and carry,-- Not a moment did they tarry,-- Fetched the lost goods from the deep. "Very well," cried Mister Peep. "Nice dogs, friend, I'll buy the two; How'll a hundred dollars do?" Papa Fittig's head inclined: "The gentleman is very kind." On new legs he seems to stand, Such a pile of cash in hand. "Ah, you darlings, Plish and Plum! We must part--the hour has come-- On this very spot, right here, Where we four, this time last year, Were united, by the pond, In a sweet and solemn bond. May your life in peace be led, With beefsteak for daily bread." Now all this was seen by Sly, Just then happening to pass by. "Very pleasant," mutters he, "Yes, no doubt, but not for me." Envy, like a poisoned dart, Stung him to the very heart. All before him misty grows; Legs give way and back he goes, Down into the oozy damp; Quenched forever is life's lamp! Left alone upon the shore, Quickened by his breath no more, Faintly gleams the expiring soul Of the pipe within the bowl; One blue cloud I see ascend, Futt! the tale is at an End.

University Press: John Wilson & Son, Cambridge.