Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 62, Jan 13, 1872

=The Best Tonic.=

THE Doctors disapprove of alcohol, but they are as alive as ever to the cheering effect of "good spirits" on their patients.

THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, being thoroughly convinced of the injustice of the Income-tax, is maturing a measure for its total abolition. To prove that he is perfectly sincere in the task he undertakes, he has resolved to throw up office if the tax again be voted.

MR. AYRTON is engaged in studying the Fine Arts, with a view to being able to lecture LORD ELCHO and others on the subject, and also to defend the action of the Government in resisting all attempts to improve the National Gallery.

In the fear lest His Holiness be forced to quit the Vatican, MR. WHALLEY, M.P., has written, very generously, to offer his own residence as an asylum for the POPE, while exiled from his kingdom.

It is proposed, at the conclusion of the Tichborne trial, to treat the Judge and Jury to a trip upon the Continent, in order to prevent them from becoming monomaniacs, through having their minds occupied so long with one subject.

It is considered almost certain that M. THIERS will seize a very early opportunity to vacate his seat, as President, in favour either of the COMTE DE PARIS or of M. GAMBETTA.

The game slaughtered at the battues of eleven noble sportsmen (all members of the Legislature), has been carefully distributed among the East-End poor.

It has been ascertained, by an accurate survey in London and the provinces, that no fewer than one pantomime has been produced this season, without containing any humorous allusion to "the Claimant."

MR. GLADSTONE has received one hundred and twelve letters, from Peterborough, Hanwell, Colney Hatch, and other places, asking for a confirmation of the rumour that his great-great-grandmother embraced the Jewish faith.

More than a hundred noble members of the Gun Club have withdrawn their names this season, and have transferred their subscriptions to the Humane Society.

Among the measures likely to be introduced by Government are: (1) a Bill for the Reduction of the Prices charged by Butchers; (2) a Bill to Compel Londoners to Clean their Streets in Dirty Weather; and (3) a Bill to Disafforest Primrose Hill and the Brighton Cliffs and Racecourse.

The First Lord of the Admiralty has been taking a few lessons in political navigation, with the view, upon emergency, of taking chief command of the vessel of the State.

It is considered highly probable that, following the good example of some Dramatic Managers, certain Barristers and Doctors in the very highest practice intend to decorate their waiting-rooms with little placards of "NO FEES!"

IS there not a bit of SYDNEY SMITH'S, wherein that divine, describing a Scottish rising against English tyranny, says that SAWNEY betook himself to the heather, and, having scratched himself with one hand, and cast up an account with the other, suddenly waxed furious, and drew his sword? We hope that certain Transatlantic friends of ours will not bring in so tremendous a bill against us, as to make it cheaper for us to fight than to pay. For we love them very much, but we are obliged to be awfully economical in these Gladstonian days.

=Mathematical Intelligence.=

IT would puzzle a Senior Wrangler to find out how to square a circle. Yet TOMKINS Junior says that, though he is only twelve years old, he will back himself on any given morning to get round a square.

=evenings From Home.=

THE next place of Amusement to which MR. BARLOW took his two young pupils was the STRAND THEATRE. Here they saw Arion, or the Story of a Lyre, and were highly diverted with the two Showmen, played by MESSRS. PAULTON and TERRY, whose duet of "_Walk Up and See my Show_," they so vehemently applauded as to draw forth a reproof from their worthy preceptor, who, however, on observing that these comedians seemed to be possessed of an inexhaustible stock of fresh verses applicable to the circumstances of the times, was induced to join TOMMY and HARRY in the commendations which were most liberally bestowed by the audience upon this portion of the performance. On returning to their lodgings both TOMMY and HARRY, neither of whom had up to this time ever evinced any musical capacity, attempted to recall the pleasing airs they had heard at the Strand Theatre, and only ceased from their praiseworthy endeavours on receiving MR. BARLOW'S promise that he would take them again to witness the same piece, if TOMMY (whose father, being a very wealthy man, had recently bestowed upon his son a handsome Christmas gratuity) would pay for three stalls, or at least three places, in the Dress Circle.

On the following night they went to the PRINCESS'S, to see MR. WATTS PHILLIPS'S play of On the Jury, followed by a Pantomime called Little Dicky Dilver.

At the entrance to the Stalls a civil person relieved them of their overcoats and hats; and TOMMY, upon whom his tutor's example, on the occasion of their visit to Drury Lane, had not been lost, expressed his gratitude to the honest stranger in the most affectionate manner.

TOMMY now discovered a further opportunity of making himself acquainted with the science of Astronomy, which he had already set himself diligently to learn.

Mr. Barlow. At this theatre you will behold a constellation of talent.

Tommy. But pray, Sir, what is a "constellation"?

"Persons," answered MR. BARLOW, "have observed certain stars remarkable either for their brightness or position, or both. These stars, joined together, are termed 'constellations.' Here you have three Stars--MR. WEBSTER, MR. PHELPS, and MISS FURTADO."

Tommy. Then these are, as you say, Sir, "remarkable for their brightness or position."

Mr. Barlow. Yes. And in time, no doubt, I shall be able to make you acquainted with the names and the appearance of all the Stars in London.

Tommy. Sir, I am much obliged to you, indeed. But of what use is it to know the Stars?

Mr. Barlow. There are some, and those very important, uses to be derived from an acquaintance with the Stars. HARRY, do you tell MASTER MERTON the story of The Free Admission and the Grateful Turk.

HARRY was commencing the story when the curtain, being drawn up, disclosed to them the First Scene of On the Jury.

Mr. Barlow. This would indeed be a very good piece, but for faulty construction. Yet, for epigrammatic dialogue and dramatic situations, it has not, at this present moment, its equal in town. You have been silent, TOMMY, for some time.

Tommy. Indeed, Sir, I never was more surprised or diverted; and as for one of your Stars, MISS FURTADO,--Dear Heart! I protest I could watch her every evening with the greatest delight.

MR. BARLOW, observing his pupil's excitement, laughed at TOMMY in his usual good-natured manner, and pointed out to him the example of the poor Greenlanders as worthy of his imitation.

"What is that, Sir?" inquired TOMMY.

"They are brought up to so much moderation and self-command," said MR. BARLOW, "that they never give way to the sudden impulses of passion so common among Europeans. And see, you have split your new white kid gloves in applauding this young lady." Then turning to HARRY, he asked him if he had not been touched by the acting of MR. WEBSTER in this piece.

Harry. Indeed, Sir, I pitied him from my heart. Mr. Tibbetts was a hardly-used gentleman. And I think that no one could have played more admirably than the gentleman who took the part of Dexter Sanderson, Esq.

Mr. Barlow. You mean MR. PHELPS, and you are right. It is indeed a fine piece of acting. There is so much breadth, and yet such a thorough finish, in this performance, that it would be worth the while of many of our younger actors (who flatter themselves on their consummate art, in consequence of having been unduly praised for their few achievements) to come here and take a lesson from MR. PHELPS.

MR. BARLOW added that it was a pity so excellent a piece should be wellnigh spoiled by the introduction of a vulgar Sensation Scene, and its construction marred by the awkward contrivance in the last Act. He further complained that it should be thought necessary to commence it at seven, and to supplement such an attraction, as this ought to be, with a Pantomime.

TOMMY and HARRY were not, however, of his mind upon this point, and insisted upon stopping to see the Clown. They were somewhat disappointed with the Pantomime, but professed themselves prodigiously delighted with MR. LLOYD'S scenery.

On coming out, an obliging official handed to them their overcoats, wrappers, and hats. TOMMY'S little heart was much affected by this kindly attention; so, pulling out his purse, he poured its contents (four bright new farthings and three peppermint lozenges) into the honest fellow's hand, saying, "Here, my good man, take this, and Heaven bless you!" It is impossible to express the surprise of the poor man at the sight. He stared wildly round him, and would have fallen but for the tender support of his assistant, who imagined that his companion had lost his senses. But the man cried out, "O, WILLIAM, I am not mad! See what Providence has sent us by the hands of this little angel!" Saying this, he held up the money and the lozenges. But TOMMY went up to them both, and said, "My good friends, you are very welcome to this: I freely give it to you. Spend the money soberly; and, for the lozenges, give them to your children, if you have any, or suck them yourselves in your leisure moments." Before the entranced officials, who were totally unaccustomed to receive such benefactions, could dry their tears, TOMMY was out of sight, having followed MR. BARLOW and HARRY to the door.