Public-domain ebook
by Various
Language: en225 downloads on Project Gutenberg
Subjects
In: Punch·Humour·British Literature
Public-domain ebook sourced from Project Gutenberg #39504.
The opening · free to read
After one ball-game's over, Promptly the next seems born; Quickly the Blackburn Rover Treads on the "Corn Stalk's" corn. GRACE, GUNN, and READ, the Brothers RENSHAW, fall off with the Fall; But there come hosts of others-- After the Ball!
Lords and the Oval, crowded and bright, Send King Willow's subjects wild with delight. What are they doing 'midst shout and cheer? Smiting and chasing a small brown sphere! Fielded. Sir! Well hit!! Played, indeed!!! Wide!!!! Oh, well returned, Sir! Caught! No! Well tried! Cheering! Half-maddened! And what means it all? Grown men grown boys again--After the Ball!
Sixer, or maiden over, Misfield that moves young scorn, Every true cricket-lover Stares at from early morn. Watching the "champion" scoring, Ring and pavilion, all Chattering, cheering, roaring, After the Ball!
Then in October's chill and gloom, Wickets for goals make reluctant room. Talk is of "forwards," and "backs," and "tries." "_Footbawl Herdition!_" the newsboy cries. Fancy that, for a sportsman's fad! Players go frantic, and critics mad; Pros. and amateurs squabble and squall, And cripples seek hospital--After the Ball!
After the Ball the "Rovers" Rush, and the "Villans" troop; "Wolves"--who have lamb-like lovers-- Worry and whirl and whoop. Scrimmages fierce, wild jostles, Many a crashing fall, Follow as "Blade" hunts "Throstle," After the Ball!
Balls are not all of leather, alas! Cricket, golf, tennis, and football pass; But ROBERTS the marvellous, PEALL the clever, Like the Laureate's Brook, can go on for ever! The ivory ball--like the carvings odd In a Buddhist shrine--seems an ivory god; And "A Million Up" will be next the call Of the "exhibitionists"--After the Ball!
After the Ball is over? Nay, it is never done! All the year round some lover Keeps up the spheric fun! Ivory ball or leather, Someone will run or sprawl, Whate'er the hour or weather, After the Ball!
Is't that our earth, which, after all, Itself's a "dark terrestrial ball," Robs all "sportsmen" of sober sense Within its "sphere of influence"? "Special Editions" just to record How many kicks at a ball are scored?!?! Doesn't it prove that we mortals all Have gone sheer "dotty"--After the Ball?
After the Ball!--as batter, Handler of club, racquet, cue. Or kicker of goals--what matter? A Ballomaniac you! Each is as mad as a hatter, Who is so eager to sprawl, Scrimmage, scout, smash, smite, clatter, After the Ball!
Q. I want to consult you about Flats. You must know all about them, as you have tried this kind of "high life" for a year. And I am quite charmed with the idea of getting one. Now, don't you find that they have many advantages over the old-fashioned separate house system?
A. Oh, a great many!
Q. I suppose that even in such paradises a few drawbacks do exist?
A. A few. For instance, did you notice, during your painful progress upstairs, a doctor coming out of the rooms just below us? No? Then you were fortunate. There's a typhoid case there, we hear.
Q. Dear me! Now I think of it, I did meet a woman dressed as a hospital nurse. But she was coming down from somewhere above you.
A. Yes. The people over our heads. It's a scarlet fever patient they have, I believe. We can hear the nurse moving about in the middle of the night. And chemists' boys with medicines call at our door, by mistake, at all hours.
Q. Still, they can't get in. Your flat is your castle, surely?
A. Quite so. It's a pity it isn't a roomier castle. Our bedrooms are like cupboards, and look out on a dark court. We have to keep the gas burning there all day.
Q. Oh, indeed! But then, being on one floor, living must be much cheaper, because you can do with only one servant?
A. That is true; but we find that the difficulty is to get servants to do with us. They hate being mastheaded like this; they miss the area, and the talks with the tradesmen, and so on.
Q. But they must go downstairs to take dust and cinders away?
A. No, those go down the shoot. At least, a good many of the cinders do, though some seem to stop on the way. Our downstair neighbours complain horribly, and threaten to summon us.
Q. Do they? On the whole, however, you find your fellow-residents obliging?
A. Oh, very! The landing window leads to some disputes. We like it open. The people upstairs prefer it shut. The case comes on at the police court next week.
Q. You surprise me! Then, as regards other expenses, you save, don't you, by paying no rates?
A. We do. That is why our landlord charges us for these eight rooms on one floor just double what we should have to pay for a large house all to ourselves.
Q. Thanks for giving me so much information. Of course, I knew there must be some disadvantages. And you won't be surprised to hear that we have taken a flat after all, as they are so fashionable?
A. On the contrary, I should be quite surprised if you didn't.
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