Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, July 14th 1894

Name: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 107, July 14th 1894
Author: Various

by Various

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Language: en264 downloads on Project Gutenberg

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English wit and humor -- Periodicals

In: Punch·Humour·British Literature

Public-domain ebook sourced from Project Gutenberg #39583.

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DEAR MR. PUNCH,--What a charming little theatre that is at Burlington House! I missed you at the matinées there a few days ago. Of course you know the Travelling Provincial Company of the Universities' Guild for the Extension of High-Class Comedy? Well, they visited the Metropolis for their coming-of-age, and gave the new extravaganza of Hodge, B. Sc., or The Vision of Peers and the Plowman. This had nothing to do with Jupiter, LL. D., though no fewer than three noble Chancellors took a leading part at the different performance. After all it was nothing but a dished-up version of the old play of Gentleman Geordie, or The Cultured Collier; only the pitman business is a little played out, and the victim of Agricultural Enlightment is just now the vogue, thanks to the County Councils.

But what interest, you will say, can this weary work have for "the young person" (is not that the phrase?). Why should ETHEL and I and the other country cousins, who are up to have a good time, waste our precious moments on University Extension, when they might have been given to the galleries, or, better still, to the shops? Dear Mr. Punch, you will not betray my confidence and print my real name, will you, if I tell you the reason? I do so in the hope that you will use your great and good influence to support our claim for State aid in a matter deeply interesting us girls in the provinces.

I have always thought that the most important object of University Extension has been overlooked. It certainly was the other day. I mean this. In the present unparalleled depression of the matrimonial market, what we want is a constant supply of nice, eligible young men from the University "brought home to our very doors," as they say about culture and the people. We cannot all live in garrison towns, and what are two or three curates among so many? Already, as I have seen in one of the magazines for young ladies, the cleric cloth is being supplanted in romantic fiction by the lay lecturer's velveteen. But we must have State said, and, if necesary, create a fresh Government Department, for the increase and support of this class of men. The profession would be very popular; those who joined it would keep marrying and moving on (I hope I express myself intelligently), and there would soon be enough to go round.

ETHEL'S papa, who is not very rich, and has a large family, told her that people in Rome who married, and had three children, got a sort of degree for it, and were let off taxes. It seems to me that the scheme for State aid which I suggest is a much more modest one.

A man that played the title-rôle in Hodge, B. Sc., gave vent to what I considered a very stupid sentiment. "Give us," he said, "some really useful and sensible instruction, not silly lectures about Love and Marriage, just to make people laugh!" This only shows how dreadfully void of finer feeling is your man of Agricultural Enlightenment. Why, we once had a delightful course on almost the very subjects at which he was ignorantly pleased to scoff! It was given by an interesting-looking young graduate from St. Valentine's, and was called "Byron and Shelley, with dissolving views." I remember well the questions set by him for one of the weekly papers. Shall I repeat them? He had just been lecturing on Don Juan.

1. Give in alphabetical order the chief attractions of the Hero of our poem.

2. Cite parallels to Don Juan among the gentleman friends of your acquaintance other than Extension Lecturers.

3. Contrast the character (if any) of Haidee with that of (a) The Maid of Athens, (b) Queen Mab.

I took a lot of pains over this paper, and I sent the lecturer an anonymous button-hole, with a request (in the same handwriting as on the answer-paper) that he would wear my floral tribute at lecture. He did so, and expressed himself as greatly pleased with my work. On my exercise (which I have kept) he wrote the following observation:--"Excellent; most appreciative and womanly; I thank you; should like to discuss a small question with you after class."

Now we want more of this spirit among Extension Lecturers. True, the one of whom I spoke turned out afterwards to have been married all the time, and I do think he should have mentioned it on the cover of his syllabus; but the principle holds good just the same.

So, dear Mr. Punch, on this question of State aid, at which I have (as I hope with delicacy) hinted above, you will help us, won't you? Your devoted, MADGE.

P.S.--Couldn't you lecture to us on something nice, and help to raise a fund for our scheme?

DEAR MR. PUNCH,--There are so many lives of the great NAPOLEON being published nowadays that one might fancy the former ruler of France must have been as many-careered as a cat. Still, it may be interesting to your readers if I give a few particulars of the great man that have not yet appeared in print, if I except the pages of your own immortal volumes.

I had the pleasure of meeting the great NAPOLEON some forty or fifty years ago; he was then in his prime.

In personal appearance he was not unlike the portraits so familiar to the public. In spite of his enthusiastic devotion for France, he invariably addressed his troops in the English language. This is a characteristic that seemingly has escaped the attention of all his biographers.

The numbers and quality of his army have been much exaggerated. Although in his speeches he was accustomed to boast of the strength of his troops, as a matter of fact they could be more easily counted by tens than hundreds. His artillery was almost a myth, and the ammunition was chiefly composed of crackers. As for his cavalry, the horses were showy but unreliable, many of them had white spots, and not a few were extremely intelligent. His favourite charger had been known on occasion (when engaged in circus duty) to drink a glass of sherry with the clown.

But there is one point I particularly wish to set right. Although known by the public as NAPOLEON BUONAPARTE, my hero in private life was invariably called by his intimates "poor old GOMERSAL." Yours respectfully, The Amphitheatre BOSWELL REDIVIVUS. Within Site of Astley's.

P.S.--I saw the latest actor's edition of NAPOLEON the other night at the Gaiety. He wasn't "in it" with "GOMERSAL,"--but then GOMERSAL was occasionally on horseback; still, there was the uniform and the snuff-box.

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