The Funny Side of Physic Or, The Mysteries of Medicine, Presenting the Humorous and Serious Sides of Medical Practice. An Exposé of Medical Humbugs, Quacks, and Charlatans in All Ages and All Countries.

Herein not only the base and the good physician, but the honorable and the trifling apothecary, receive their due reward, or well-merited punishment, so far as the pen can give them. The reader will be utterly surprised when he comes to learn how the quacks of the past and the present have brought themselves into note by tricks and schemes very similar and equally infamous. The wanton trifling with the health and life of their patients, the greed of gain, and the perfect destitution of all moral nature, which some of these men have exhibited in their career, are astounding.

The apothecaries, as well as physicians, are descanted on, and the miserable tricks to which the large majority of them resort, exposed. The public will be astonished to find what trash in the matter of drugs it pays for; how filthy, vile, and often poisonous and hurtful materials people buy for medicines at extortionate prices; how even the syrups which they drink in soda drawn from costly and splendid fountains are often made from the most filthy materials, and are not fit for the lower animals, not to say human beings, to drink. And this fact is only illustrative of hundreds of others set forth in this work.

This work not only exposes the multifold frauds of quacks, apothecaries, travelling doctors, soothsayers, fortune-tellers, certain clairvoyants, and "spiritual mediums," and the like, who "practise medicine" to a more or less extent, or profess to discover and heal diseases,--but it points out to the reader the most approved rules for protecting the health, and recovering it when lost. In short, it is a work embodying the most sound advice, founded upon the judgment of the best physicians of the past and present, as tested in the Author's experience for a period of twenty years' active practice. In other words, it is a compendium of sound medical advice, as well as a racy, lively, and incisive dissection and exposure of the villanies of quacks and other medical empirics, etc.

Persons of all ages will find the work not only interesting to read, but most valuable in a practical sense. To the young who would shun the crafts and villanies to which they must be exposed as they grow up,--for all are liable to be more or less ill at times,--it will prove invaluable, enabling them to detect the spurious from the reliable in medicine, and how to judge between the pretentious charlatan (even enjoying a large ride) and the true physician. And none are so old that they may not reap great advantages from the work.

CONTENTS.

I. MEDICAL HUMBUGS.

ORIGIN AND APPLICATION OF "HUMBUG."--A FIFTH AVENUE HUMBUG.-- JOB'S OPINION OF DOCTORS.--EARLY PHYSICIANS.--PRIESTS AS DOCTORS.--WIZARDS COME TO GRIEF.--A "CAPITAL" OPERATION.--A WOMAN CUT INTO TWELVE PIECES.--ANECDOTE.--ROBIN HOOD'S LITTLE JOKE.--TIT FOR TAT. ENGLISH HUMBUGS.--FRENCH DITTO.--A FORTUNE ON DIRTY WATER.--AMERICAN HUMBUGS.--A FIRST CLASS "DODGE."--A FREE RIDE.--A SHARP INTERROGATOR.--DOCTOR PUSBELLY.--A WICKED STAGE-DRIVER'S STORY.--"OLD PILGARLIC" TAKES A BATH.--LUDICROUS SCENE.--PROFESSOR BREWSTER. 19

II. APOTHECARIES.

FIRST MENTION OF.--A POOR SPECIMEN.--ELIZABETHAN.--KING JAMES I. [VI.].--ALLSPICE AND ALOES, SUGAR AND TARTAR EMETIC.-- WAR.--PHYSICIAN VS. APOTHECARY.--IGNORANCE.--STEALING A TRADE.--A LAUGHABLE PRESCRIPTION.--"CASTER ILE."--MODERN DRUG SWALLOWING.--MISTAKES.--"STEALS THE TOOLS ALSO."-- SUBSTITUTES.--"A QUID."--A "SMELL" OF PATENT MEDICINES.--"A SAMPLE CLERK." 61

III. PATENT MEDICINES.

PATENT MEDICINES.--HOW STARTED.--HOW MADE.--THE WAY IMMENSE FORTUNES ARE REALIZED.--SPALDING'S GLUE.--SOURED SWILL.-- SARSAPARILLA HUMBUGS.--S. P. TOWNSEND.--"A DOWN EAST FARMER'S STORY."--"WILD CHERRY" EXPOSITIONS.--"CAPTAIN WRAGGE'S PILL" A FAIR SAMPLE OF THE WHOLE.--HOW PILL SALES ARE STARTED.--A SLIP OF THE PEN.--"GRIPE PILLS."--SHAKSPEARE IMPROVED.--H. W. B. "FRUIT SYRUP."--HAIR TONICS.--A BALD BACHELOR'S EXPERIENCE.--A LUDICROUS STORY.--A WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING. 78

IV. MANUFACTURED DOCTORS.

A BOSTON BARBER AS M. D.--A BARBER "GONE TO POT."--FOOLS MADE DOCTORS.--BAKERS.--BARBERS.--"A LUCKY DOG."--TINKERS.--ROYAL FAVORS.--"LITTLE CARVER DAVY."--A BUTCHER'S BLOCKHEAD.--A SWEEPING VISIT.--HOP-PED FROM OBSCURITY.--PEDAGOGUES TURN DOCTORS.--ARBUTHNOT.--"A QUAKER."--"WALKS OFF ON HIS EAR."-- WEAVERS AND BASKET-MAKERS.--A TOUGH PRINCE; REQUIRED THREE M. D.'S TO KILL HIM.--MARAT A HORSE DOCTOR.--A MERRY PARSON.-- BLACK MAIL.--POLICE AS A MIDWIFE, ETC., ETC. 99

V. WOMAN AS PHYSICIAN.

HER "MISSION."--NO PLACE IN MEDICAL HISTORY.--ONE OF THEM.-- MRS. STEPHENS.--"CRAZY SALLY."--RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.--RUNS IN THE FAMILY.--ANECDOTES.--"WHICH GOT THRASHED?"--A WRETCHED END.--AMERICAN FEMALE PHYSICIANS.--A PIONEER.--A LAUGHABLE ANECDOTE.--"THREE WISE MEN."--"A SHORT HORSE," ETC.--BOSTON AND NEW YORK FEMALE DOCTORS.--A STORY.--"LOVE AND THOROUGHWORT."--A GAY BEAU.--UP THE PENOBSCOT.--DYING FOR LOVE.--"IS HE MAD?"--THOROUGHWORT WINS. 123

VI. QUACKS.

ANECDOTE IN ILLUSTRATION.--DERIVATION.--FATHER OF QUACKS.--A MEDICAL "BONFIRE."--THE "SAMSON" OF THE PROFESSION.--SIR ASTLEY.--U. S. SURVEYOR-GENERAL HAMMOND.--HOMEOPATHIC QUACKS, ETC.--A MUDDLED DEFINITION.--"STOP THIEF!"--CRIPPLED FOR LIFE!--TWO POUNDS CALOMEL.--VICTIMS.--WASHINGTON, JACKSON, HARRISON.--THE COUNTRY QUACK.--A TRUE AND LUDICROUS ANECDOTE.--DYEING TO DIE!--A SCARED DOCTOR.--DROPSY!--A HASTY WEDDING!--A COUNTRY CONSULTATION.--"SCENES FROM WESTERN PRACTICE."--"TWIST ROOT."--A JOLLY TRIO.--NEW "BUST" OF CUPID.--AN UNWILLING LISTENER. 157

VII. CHARLATANS AND IMPOSTORS.

DEFINITION.--ADVERTISING CHARLATANS.--CITY IMPOSTORS.--FALSE NAMES.--"ADVICE FREE."--INTIMIDATIONS.--WHOLESALE ROBBERY.-- VISITING THEIR DENS IN DISGUISE.--PASSING THE CERBERUS.-- WINDINGS.--INS AND OUTS.--THE IRISH PORTER.--QUEER "TWINS," AND A "TRIPLET" DOCTOR.--A HISTORY OF A KNAVE.--BOOT-BLACK AND BOTTLE-WASHER.--PERQUISITES.--PURCHASED DIPLOMAS.-- "INSTITUTES."--WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER OF INFANTS.--FEMALE HARPIES.--A BOSTON HARPY.--WHERE OUR "LOST CHILDREN" GO.-- END OF A WRETCH. 180

VIII. ANECDOTES OF PHYSICIANS.

A WANT SUPPLIED.--ORIGINAL ANECDOTES OF ABERNETHY.--A LIVE IRISHMAN.--MADAM ROTHSCHILD.--LARGE FEET.--A SHANGHAI ROOSTER.--SPREADING HERSELF.--KEROSENE.--"SALERATUS."--HIS LAST JOKE.--AN ASTONISHED DARKY.--OLD DR. K.'S MARE.--A SCARED CUSTOMER.--"WHAT'S TRUMPS?"--"LET GO THEM HALYARDS."-- MEDICAL TITBITS.--MORE MUSTARD THAN MEAT.--"I WANT TO BE AN ANGEL."--TOOTH-DRAWING.--DR. BEECHER VS. DR. HOLMES.-- STEALING TIME.--CHOLERA FENCED IN.--"A JOKE THAT'S NOT A JOKE."--A DRY SHOWER-BATH.--PARBOILING AN OLD LADY. 200

IX. FORTUNE-TELLERS.

PAST AND PRESENT.--BIBLE ASTROLOGERS AND FORTUNE-TELLERS.-- ARABIAN.--EASTERN.--ENGLISH.--QUEEN'S FAVORITE.--LILLY.--A LUCKY GUESS.--THE GREAT LONDON FIRE FORETOLD.--HOW.--OUR "TIDAL WAVE" AND AGASSIZ.--A HALL OF FORTUNE-TELLERS.-- PRESENT.--VISIT EN MASSE.--"FILLIKY MILLIKY."--"CHARGE BAYONETS!"--A FOWL PROCEEDING.--FINDING LOST PROPERTY.--THE MAGIC MIRROR EXPOSÉ.--"ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE."--PROCURESSES.-- BOSTON MUSEUM.--"A NICE OLD GENTLEMAN."--MONEY DOES IT.-- GREAT SUMS OF MONEY.--"LOVE POWDER" EXPOSÉ.--HASHEESH.--"DOES HE LOVE ME?" 227

X. EMINENT PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS.

THEIR ORIGIN, BOYHOOD, EARLY STRUGGLES, ETC.--DOCTORS ARE PUBLIC PROPERTY.--DR. MOTT, OF OYSTER BAY.--DR. PARKER.--A "PLOUGH-BOY."--THE FARMER'S BOY AND THE OLD DOCTOR.--SCENE IN BELLEVUE HOSPITAL.--"LEAVES FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNFLEDGED ÆSCULAPIAN."--FIRST PATIENT.--"NONPLUSSED!"--ALL RIGHT AT LAST.--PROFESSORS EBERLE AND DEWEES.--A HARD START.--"FOOTING IT."--ABERNETHY'S BOYHOOD.--"OLD SQUEERS."--SPARE THE BOY AND SPOIL THE ROD.--A DIGRESSION.--SKIRTING A BOG.--AN AGREEABLE TURN.--PROFESSOR HOLMES.--A HOMELESS STUDENT. 253

XI. GHOSTS AND WITCHES.

FOLLY OF BELIEF IN GHOSTS.--WHY GHOSTS ARE ALWAYS WHITE.--A TRUE STORY.--THE GHOST OF THE CAMP.--A GHOSTLY SENTRY-BOX.--A MYSTERY.--THE NAGLES FAMILY.--RAISING THE DEAD.--A LIVELY STAMPEDE.--HOLY WATER.--CÆSAR'S GHOST AT PHILIPPI.--LORD BYRON AND DR. JOHNSON.--GHOST OF A GUILTY CONSCIENCE.-- "JOCKEYING A GHOST."--THE WOUNDED BIRD.--A BISHOP SEES A GHOST.--MUSICAL GHOSTS.--A HAUNTED HOUSE.--ABOUT WITCHES.-- "WITCHES IN THE CREAM."--HORSE-SHOES.--WOMAN OF ENDOR NOT A WITCH.--WEIGHING FLESH AGAINST THE BIBLE.--THERE ARE NO GHOSTS, OR WITCHES. 278

XII. MEDICAL SUPERSTITIONS.

OLD AND NEW.--THE SIGN OF JUPITER.--MODERN IDOLATRY.--ORIGIN OF THE DAYS OF THE WEEK.--HOW WE PERPETUATE IDOLATRY.-- SINGULAR FACT.--CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES.--"OLD NICK."-- RIDICULOUS SUPERSTITIONS.--GOLDEN HERB.--HOUSE CRICKETS.--A STOOL WALKS.--THE BOWING IMAGES AT RHODE ISLAND.--HOUSE SPIDERS.--THE HOUSE CAT.--SUPERSTITIOUS IDOLATRIES.-- WONDERFUL KNOWLEDGE.--NAUGHTY BOYS.--ERRORS RESPECTING CATS.--SANITARY QUALITIES.--OWLS.--A SCARED BOY.--HOLY WATER.--UNLUCKY DAYS.--THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.--A KISS. 307

XIII. TRAVELLING DOCTORS.

PUBLIC CONFIDENCE(?).--THE EYE OF THE PUBLIC.--A BAD SPECIMEN.--"REMARKABLE TUMOR."--"THE SINGING DOCTOR."--CAUGHT IN A STORM.--BIG PUFFING.--A SPLENDID "TURNOUT."--WHO WAS HE?--A SUDDEN DISAPPEARANCE.--THE "SPANKING DOCTOR."--A FAIR VICTIM.--LOOSE LAWS.--DR. PULSEFEEL.--IMPUDENCE.--A FIDDLING DOCTOR.--AN ENCORE.--"CHEEK."--VARIOUS WAYS OF ADVERTISING. 341

XIV. SCENES FROM EVERY-DAY PRACTICE.

THE BEGGAR BOY AND THE GOLDEN-HAIRED HEIRESS.--MY MIDNIGHT CALL.--THE CONSCIENCE-STRICKEN MOTHER.--"OLD SEROSITY."--THE ILLEGITIMATE CHILD.--DEATH OF THE BEAUTIFUL.--WHO IS THE HEIR?--A TOUCHING SCENE.--FATE OF THE "BEGGAR BOY."--THE TERRIBLE CALLER.--AN IRISH SCENE, FROM DR. DIXON'S BOOK.-- BIDDY ON A RAMPAGE.--TERRY ON HIS DEATH BED.--THE STOMACH PUMP.--BIDDY WON'T, AND SHE WILL.--THE BETRAYED AND HER BETRAYER.--"IS THERE A GOD IN ISRAEL?"--THE HUSBANDLESS MOTHER.--THE CRISIS AND COURT.--ANSWER.--THERE IS A "GOD IN ISRAEL." 362

XV. DOCTORS' FEES AND INCOMES.

ANCIENT FEES.--LARGE FEES.--SPANISH PRIEST-DOCTORS.--A PIG ON PENANCE.--SMALL FEES.--A "CHOP" POSTPONED.--LONG FEES.--SHORT FEES.--OLD FEES.--A NIGHT-CAP.--AN OLD SHOE FOR LUCK.--A BLACK FEE.--"HEART'S OFFERING."--A STUFFED CAT.--THE "GREAT GUNS" OF NEW YORK.--BOSTON.--ROTTEN EGGS.--"CATCH WHAT YOU CAN."--FEMALE DOCTORS' FEES.--ABOVE PRICE.--"ASK FOR A FEE."--"PITCH HIM OVERBOARD."--DELICATE FEES.--MAKING THE MOST OF THEM. 386

XVI. GENEROSITY AND MEANNESS.

THE WORLD UNMASKED.--A ROUGH DIAMOND.--DECAYED GENTILITY.-- "THREE FLIGHT, BACK."--SEVERAL ANECDOTES.--THE OLD FOX-HUNTER.--"STAND ON YOUR HEAD."--KINDNESS TO CLERGYMEN.-- RARE CHARITY.--OLD AND HOMELESS.--THE "O'CLO'" JEW.--DR. HUNTER'S GENEROSITY.--"WHAT'S THE PRICE OF BEEF?"--A SAD OMISSION.--INNATE GENEROSITY.--A CURB-STONE MONEY-MANIAC.--AN EYE-OPENER.--AN AVARICIOUS DOCTOR.--ROBBING THE DEAD. 410

XVII. LOVE AND LOVERS.

XANTIPPE, BEFORE JEALOUSY.--A FIRST LOVE.--BLASTED HOPES.--A DOCTOR'S STORY.--THE FLIGHT FROM "THE HOUNDS OF THE LAW."-- THE EXILE AND RETURN.--DISGUISED AS A PEDDLER.--ESCAPES WITH HIS LOVE.--ENGLISH BEAUS.--YOUNG COQUETTES.--A GAY AND DANGEROUS BEAU.--HANDSOME BEAUS.--LEAP YEAR.--AN OLD BEAU.-- BEAUTY NOT ALL-POTENT.--OFFENDED ROYALTY.--YOUTH AND AGE.--A STABLE BOY.--POET-DOCTOR. 438