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Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, March 30th 1895

Name: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, March 30th 1895
Author: Various

by Various

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Language: en323 downloads on Project Gutenberg

Subjects

English wit and humor -- Periodicals

In: Punch·Humour·British Literature

Public-domain ebook sourced from Project Gutenberg #43253.

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AN ELECTION ADDRESS.

[Mr. RIDER HAGGARD has become the accepted Conservative candidate for a Norfolk constituency. The following is understood to be an advance copy of his Address.]

Intelligent electors, may I venture to present Myself as an aspirant for a seat in Parliament? The views of those opponents who despise a novelist, Are but the foggy arguments of People of the Mist!

No writer, I assure you, can produce a better claim, A greater versatility, a more substantial fame; My candidature, though opposed by all the yellow gang, Has won the hearty sympathy of Mr. ANDREW LANG.

And if what my opinions are you'd really like to know, They're issued at a modest price by LONGMANS, GREEN, & CO.; The Eight Hours Bill, for instance, I'm prepared to speak upon From a practical acquaintance with the Mines of Solomon.

Whatever my intentions as to Woman's Rights may be, I yield to none in honouring the great immortal She; While, as to foreign policy, though Blue Books make you yawn, You'll find the subject treated most attractively in Dawn.

When I am placed in Parliament, I'll speak with fluent skill, And show (like Mr. MEESON) I've a most effective will; And if there is a special point for which I mean to fight, It is for legislation to protect my copyright.

If chance debate to matters in South Africa should tend, My anecdotes will cause the Speaker's wig to stand on end; And if an opportunity occurs, I'll rouse the lot By perorating finely in impassioned Hottentot!

So, Gentlemen, I beg you, let my arguments prevail, Shame would it be if such a cause through apathy should fail, Shame on the false elector who his honest duty shirks! Believe me, Yours. The Author of She, Dawn, and other works.

SUGGESTED REVIVAL OF AN OLD FORM OF PUNISHMENT FOR FUTURE OBSTRUTIONIST SPECULATORS IN THROGMORTONIAN KAFFIR LAND.--"Put 'em in the Stocks."

Last week the Court Theatre was advertised as a "Company, Limited." The cast in the bill was given as Chairman, ARTHUR W. PINERO; First Director, Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN (with a song?); Second Director, HERBERT BENNETT (Director also of HARROD'S Stores, Limited, the success of which establishment has been so great as to now out-HARROD HARROD); and then ARTHUR CHUDLEIGH (who was jointly lessee at one time with Mrs. JOHN WOOD), as Director and Acting Manager. The Solicitor is down as ARTHUR B. CHUBB ("little fish are sweet"), and the Secretary is Mr. A. (presumably ARTHUR?) S. DUNN. Most appropriate this name to finish with; "and now my story's DUNN." Fortunate omen, too, that there are two "n's" in DUNN, which otherwise is a word associated with a Court not quite so cheerful as the Court Theatre.

But the curious note about it is the preponderance of "ARTHURS." ARTHUR PINERO, ARTHUR SULLIVAN, ARTHUR CHUDLEIGH, ARTHUR CHUBB, and ARTHUR (?) DUNN. If they have power to add to their number, why not take in ARTHUR JONES, ARTHUR LLOYD, and ARTHUR ROBERTS? That would make the Dramatic ARTHURS and the Musical ARTHURS about equal.

MATILDA CHARLOTTE WOOD is mentioned as having had an agreement with one of the ARTHURS yclept CHUDLEIGH, and probably also a disagreement too, as their once highly prosperous joint management came to an end. But now "she will return," at least, everyone hopes so, as, after her capital performance of the Sporting Duchess at Drury Lane, she has shown us that she is as fresh and as great an attraction as ever. Some of the ARTHURS will write for her, one ARTHUR will compose for her, two ARTHURS will act and sing with her, and ARTHUR, the managing director, will direct and manage her. May every success attend the venture! But how about authors and composers offering their work to so professional a board of directors? Doesn't Sir Fretful Plagiary's objection to sending his play in to the manager of Drury Lane, namely, that "he writes himself." hold good nowadays? Hum. A difficulty, most decidedly; still, not absolutely insuperable.

Over-enthusiastic Person (speaking confidentially of his absent Friend to the young Lady to whom absent friend is going to propose). Everybody speaks in his praise. He is an exceptionally good man.

Sharp Young Lady. Ah, then he is "too good to be true." I shall refuse him! [_Exit separately._

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