Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, April 27, 1895

Hearty congratulations from the Baron and his assistants to Mr. H. W. LUCY on his delightful life of Mr. GLADSTONE (W. H. ALLEN & Co). No one certainly has had better opportunities than TOBY, M.P., for studying the great statesman in all his varying moods; and it may be affirmed with equal certainty that no other man (or dog) could have used his opportunities to greater advantage for the benefit of the public. There are in this little volume a tone of easy yet scholarly courtesy, a fine literary touch, and a marvellous power of condensing details into one vividly descriptive sentence. It is an admirable piece of work, which, seeing that it only costs a shilling, ought to be sure of a popularity fully equal to its high merits.

"Bravo TOBY!" says

CHANGE OF DESCRIPTIVE TITLE.--In the Egyptian explorations, the results of which, so far, have been recently given in Professor PETRIE'S lecture, reported in the Times of Thursday, April 18, the lecturer tells us how he was accompanied in his researches by Mr. GRENFELL, "The Craven Fellow." How doubly plucky of Professor PETRIE to proceed with such a companion so extraordinarily timorous as is expressed in such a sobriquet as "The Craven Fellow." However, he belied his name by showing such pluck and perseverance in rendering assistance to the Professor as will entitle him to explain himself as "_Late_ the Craven Fellow," but now "the C. F., or Courageous Fellow."

First Countryman (to third-rate Amateur Jock, whose mount won't have the Fence). "NOW THEN, SHOVE 'IM AT IT AGIN, MISTER! WHOI DENGED IF OI WOULDN'T JUMP THAT 'ERE LITTLE PLACE WI' A JACKASS!"

Second Countryman. "MAYBE YER WOULD, MA LAD; BUT YER SEE THAT 'ERE 'OSS DON'T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT JUMPING WI' A JACKASS!"]

["China, properly opened up, would be an El Dorado for mankind.... The true conquest effected by the war is the conquest of the right to a market, and that apparently on an enormous scale."

_"Daily News" on the terms of Peace between China and Japan._]

Little Jap loquitur:--

Come, wake up, old chap! I'm the go-ahead Jap. Open Sesame! Yes, that's the word, JOHN! In your den you would stop, or e'en shut up your shop, Your proceedings are highly absurd, JOHN! Spite your bounce and your boast, I have got you on toast, And thereby, friend JOHN, hangs a big tale. When your carcase I'd wake, I have only to take A sailor's round turn at your pigtail! Your notion of shopkeeping's shutter and key. Since you don't know their use, hand 'em over to Me!

For thousands of years your pride and your fears Have muddled your market completely. Ah! would you, old slug? But a twist and a tug Bring you up to your bearings most sweetly. 'Tis no use to kick! You will have to move slick, Now you've got in the hands of Young Jappy; Don't you get in a scare for your crockery ware. Rouse up, open shop, and be happy! Afraid? Superstitious? Oh, fiddle-de-dee! Throw open your markets, and leave it to Me!

For ever so long you've been going all wrong. Your Empire is under a shadow; But well opened up, by ships, railways, and KRUPP, It will turn out a true El Dorado. Don't fly to your door! Eh? your pigtail is sore? You think me a cocky invader? Why you'll find in the end I'm your very best friend, When I force you to be a free trader. Blow your grandfather's bunkum, you Heathen Chinee! Take down all your shutters, and hand me the key!

For my use alone? you inquire with a groan. Oh, dear! you must be an old duffer! Excuse me this wink,--but what do you think? Do you hold "Outside Devils" will suffer The Flowery Land to be locked by my hand, Any more than by yours, in their faces? Pig-headed old Pigtail, I fancy I know How to get into Europe's good graces. So pay up my millions, you Heathen Chinee! Throw open your market, and hand me the key!

The four strangers were gathered together in the all-but-deserted inn. They were forced to enter into conversation, because the solitary periodical taken in by the landlord had been read from title to imprint by everyone of them.

"A strange article," said the first, as he laid down the Lancet. "And so men disappear entirely for awhile, and then come back to their homes and profession as if nothing had happened."

"Extraordinary," murmured the second. "I see that the scientific publication you have just relinquished suggests that the cause of these hurried exits partake of the nature of post-epileptic phenomena." And then the talk went on. The four strangers dined together, supped together, and on the following morning partook in company of breakfast. The waiter, at about eleven o'clock, presented each of them with a note. It came from the landlord, and was full of figures. A weird look appeared on their faces.

"We must move on," said one of the quartette; "but as the staircase is steep, let us descend by the window."

The no-longer-perplexed strangers adopted the suggestion, and gently sliding down a rope, were soon quit of the inn. They walked together for about a quarter of a mile, and then coming to four cross-roads, scattered.

"Dear me," said the landlord of the inn, when he once again found himself alone. "Their disappearance is most strange. I am inclined to agree with the Lancet, 'that the phenomenon remains striking and mysterious, interesting in its psychological aspect, but in its concrete form full of practical and medico-legal difficulties;' and, believing this, I must write to the proper authorities." And he sat down and composed two letters. One he addressed to the President of the Royal College of Physicians, and the other to the Editor of Hue and Cry.

The sky was darkened by swart birds, with tufted tails, and a look in their clay-coloured eyes as of millions of stifled croaks; the rain fell in grizzled sheets like the streaming hair and beard of some Titanic lunatic, and the thunder boomed over the town as if it had just discovered another epoch-making novel.

Night fell; I lit my lamp and closed the shutters, drew my curtains, so as to shut out any gleaming cats' eyes that might be peering at me through the chinks, and mixed myself a tumbler of hot punch.

As I finished it, a wild piercing shriek rose from the universe, as though someone had run a pin into the Great Unknown, and a shining blue-white ball came down the chimney and burnt a hole in the yellow-green gloom of my hearthrug.

I looked up; a strange man was sitting right in front of me. His crested hair had a blue-white gleam, like the electric light in a mountain hotel when the storm is nearly ended; it stuck out in a spiral fringe round his cheeks and chin; his mouth was prim like a purse; but his spectacles twinkled with laughter like the new ferrule on a gingham umbrella.

"I am the Shaker of Society's Pillars, I have discovered that the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil bears nothing but rotten apples. There are milestones on the Bergen road--but I can see through most of them. I am the New Generation knocking at the old stage-door. I am also the Dramatiser of Social Conundrums to which there will never be any answer."

Time passed--a second or an hour. I began to wish he would go.

"I am the great Wizard that has ennobled and purified Humanity by showing that they are all the morbid victims of a diseased heredity. The great fire at Christiania was not the fire in which Mrs. Solness's nine dolls were burnt. I am he who has emancipated Woman by convincing her that she has the right to be hysterical."

Again time passed--an hour or a second. I fancy I must have dropped off to sleep.

"I am he who has broken through the conventions of the well-constructed drama. When we lived at Drontheim, BERNICK'S gander was stolen by tinkers. I am the original eld, and also the child who instructs the grandmotherly critic in the art of sucking problematic eggs; but I, too, am a master-builder of magnificent bathos."

And again time passed--a second or an hour. I wondered whether he had come to stay the night.

"Read, I am called 'dramatic'; acted, I am called 'impossible.'"

With that the cock crew. The stranger had flown before I had an opportunity of asking him his name or asking him to look in again some evening.

I was rather sorry, for he seemed to have a flow of agreeable small talk, though it was perhaps a little egotistic.