Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 108, February 16, 1895

"TEMPORA MUTANTUR."--In these days of very late dining hours a performance at 5 P.M., if over at 7, or 7.15 at latest, ought to suit those whose daily work is over about 4 or 4.30, and who dislike "turning out" after dinner if they are at home, and who cannot get away from any dinner party if they are out in time to see even half of the entertainment. The matinée at two is a very difficult time, as it clashes with lunch; but as tea can be taken in the entr'actes, five o'clock seems a very reasonable hour, that is, if the show be over at 7.15, and the dinner hour be 8 or 8.15.

Do not venture on the ice until you can skate properly. Practice the various steps and evolutions before a looking-glass in your bed-room.

There is a great art in falling gracefully, and it is surprising what a number of interesting, complicated, and unlooked-for attitudes and figures can be thus developed. To ensure perfect confidence at the critical moment, it is as well to hire somebody, say a professional wrestler or prize-fighter, to trip you up and knock you down in all the possible methods. A mattress may be used for beginners to fall on. The more improbable your manner of tumbling, the greater success will you achieve in the eyes of the on-lookers.

When skating with a lady, you may cross hands, but it is unusual for you to put your arm round her waist. This is only done in great emergencies, or in a thick fog, or when you have the pond to yourselves. It is generally found that this proceeding is equivalent to skating on very thin ice, and will lead to dangerous consequences.

If, however, a lady, who evidently has not complete control of herself, and does not readily answer her helm, steers straight into your arms, you should accept the situation in your best ball-room manner. Do not attempt to avoid a collision, as if you dodge suddenly, the lady, on failing to meet your support, will probably sit down abruptly on the ice, or get entangled with a sweeper.

Should you, owing to any unforeseen circumstance, find yourself prostrated at a young lady's feet, do not place your hand on your heart and say she is the only girl you ever loved. These little scenes are apt to collect a crowd. Merely say you stopped to examine the thickness of the ice, or any little plaisanterie you feel capable of inventing. Then retire to a discreet distance and rub yourself.

If the ice gives way, and you find yourself in the water, get out as speedily as possible. I do not advise drowning. It is always a wet and uncomfortable process, and has very few recommendations. It is, moreover, quite fatal to true enjoyment, and only those who are morbidly anxious for a "par" in the papers will habitually resort to this mode of creating a sensation.

Do not hit people much with any stick you may think it de rigueur to brandish about. Such personal attentions are best performed when you and a string of ten or twelve other 'Arries are banded together. You can then stand up without fear for the rights of the high-spirited young citizen to enjoy himself.

There is nothing that figure-skaters so much appreciate as the sudden inroad of hockey-players in their midst. It adds immensely to their zest to feel they are liable to be knocked over in the middle of an exciting "rocker" or "mohawk"; and, of course, they like their combined figures to be nicely disarranged, as it enables them to show their skill in sorting themselves again. Hockey should therefore be indulged in anywhere and everywhere.

Lastly, if you prefer sliding to skating, do not slide in a top-hat and frock-coat, unless you are a member of the Skating Club, and even then it looks ostentatious. Dress appropriately in some quiet costume of kickseys and pearlies, with a feather in your hat. Wear your billycock at the back of your head, as it will break your falls. Always shout at the top of your voice.

Once we dreamed of a magical clime, Powerful fairies lived there then, Ready to change, in the shortest time, Men to fishes, or fish to men; Science, alas, assails the land, Down the magical palaces fall, Fairies and elves, we understand, Never could really exist at all.

Still remain to us spectres strange, Headless horsemen and monks severe, Some that arrive each night in the Grange, Others (like Christmas) once a year; Yet they linger, a fearful joy, Elderly relics of childhood's day. Now our "scientists" would destroy All their humorous, mild array!

Mr. MASKELYNE, learned man! Scoff at Theosophists as you will, Spot each fraudulent gambler's plan, Only allow us our Bogies still! Little we value prosaic truth, If it must scatter these shadowy hosts; Spare us a single belief of youth, Leave us, ah, leave us at least our Ghosts!

Make your Game! Is't fortune, fame, Power supreme, mere notoriety, 'Tis mere gambling all the same,-- Craving knowing not satiety. Marquis or Gavroche, what matter? Rabagas or Noble Red; How the bullion's clink and clatter Fires the eye and heats the head! Mammon-Mephistopheles At the sight in shadow grins; And the player, at his ease, With a dream his heart may please, Red wins!

Will it win, or, winning, will La République lose or gain? Is the game chance versus skill, Sly intrigue 'gainst heart and brain? Sanguine as sanguineous, The Mob-loving Marquis sits. Exile, will finesse and fuss, Clack of tongues, and clash of wits, Play the patriotic game? Fall the cards, the ball re-spins! Blood a-fire and walls a-flame Menace if--to Wisdom's blame-- Red wins!

THE LONG FROST.--Sportsmen are coming up to town in despair. Their hunters are "eating their heads off," and very soon there will be nothing left to tell the tail!

Reports from all parts of the country are eloquent of the phenomenal nature of the weather experienced everywhere. By an extraordinary coincidence, of which it is hardly possible to make too much, the intense cold has been accompanied by a lowness of temperature--on the (Fahren) height.

The Oldest Inhabitant has had a high old time, and been in immense form. To prevent the extinction in future years of this interesting individual, oxen have been roasted freely, and, wherever at all practicable, carriages have been driven over frozen rivers. Occasionally irreverent descendants have roasted the Oldest Inhabitant.

It is reported, on the authority of Lord SALISBURY, that the Liberal Party intend at once to engage in snowballing the House of Lords. As the ex-Prime Minister has promised to play the game with no lack of mutuality, interesting developments are expected.

A very remarkable occurrence comes from abroad--considerations of an international character make it advisable not to particularise further. A bishop went out in the middle of a raging blizzard. Although the bishop was suitably attired in episcopal dress, so that no mistake as to his identity was possible, it went on blizzarding, and the spiritual dignitary was put to extreme temporal temporary inconvenience.

Ice floes have penetrated to London Bridge. Mr. SEYMOUR HICKS'S topical song in the _Shop Girl_--"Oh, floe! ice and snow, you know"--is received every night with even greater enthusiasm than formerly.