The Twins, and How They Entertained the New Minister: A Farce

A reception room. Enter Betty and the minister.

BETTY. (With a grown-up air.) There! Sit right down, and I’ll see if Mamma’s in. No, not that one, that’s only for show. The leg’s broken, and it aint got fixed yet. Take the Morris chair. That’s the one sister’s beaux always sit in. There, now you’re all comfy. I’ll tell Mamma you’re here, if she’s in.

REV. J. JONES. Tell her that I am making pastoral calls. I am—

BETTY. Yes, I know who you are. “I’m the new minister,” you was a going to say, wasn’t you?

BOBBY. (Entering.) ’Twas my turn to answer the doorbell, Betty Forrest. ’Taint fair! You just camp out in the hall to get ahead of me! You got the book agent, and the Mission Lady, and now you’ve got the minister. Course you’ll beat!

REV. J. J. Beat?

BETTY. You can tell him, Bobby, while I go ask Mamma if she’s in. Sometimes she’s in when she isn’t, and sometimes she isn’t when she is, and the only way to be sure you won’t get a whipping for telling it the wrong way, is to go ask her. She’s in her room, I know, but maybe she isn’t in. You tell him ’bout the new game, Bobby. (She runs out.)

BOBBY. It’s what we call the Caller’s game. Betty made it up. Betty’s awful smart to think of new things. You see, Thursday afternoon is Christine’s day out. Say, aint it funny to call an afternoon a day? And Mamma don’t like to answer the bell herself, ’cause then she couldn’t be out if she didn’t want to see the one that rung it, so she made me and Betty do it, ’n course we hated to be bothered—you know callers are such a nuisance when you’re busy playing, and Betty shirked and made me do it most all. So Daddy said if she didn’t do her share, he’d bring home candy, and give it all to me, ’n then Betty she made up this game. We’ve each got a little book, and we put down which caller we answer the bell to and get a piece of candy for each caller, and if there’s more candy than there is callers, we get two pieces for each one, and now Betty likes to answer it, and she gets the most candy every time.

BETTY. (Returning.) That’s ’cause I’m smartest, Daddy says. He says, “Trust a woman to get the best of a man every time, be they ever so young.”

REV. J. J. And what did Mamma say?

BETTY. She said, “Mercy me! The minister? I suppose I shall have to go down, or your Father won’t like it.” What are ministers made for?

REV. J. J. I think I must go. Tell your mother I was sorry not to meet her.

BETTY. But you got to see her. She’ll be down soon as she puts on her hair and squeezes her feet into her new tango slippers.

BOBBY. Pa says it’s foolish to try to put a number two shoe on a number four foot.

REV. J. J. (Rising.) I think I must go now.

BETTY. If you do, she’ll spank me good, for letting you, after she said she was in. She told me to entertain you nicely till she came down.

BOBBY. I’ll entertain him. Men like men. Do you play poker?

REV. J. J. Why no, do you?

BOBBY. No, I aint learned how yet, but I thought you might teach me. This cunning little table is a card table, and the cards are in this little drawer. (Takes them out.) And these pretty round things are the chips.

BETTY. They look more like Tiddledy Winks. They use ’em ’stead of money, ’cause Mamma won’t let ’em play for money. That’s gambling.

BOBBY. They pay the money down town, next day. I know, ’cause I was with Daddy when he did, and he gave me a quarter not to tell Mamma. ’Sides, Mamma plays Bridge and that’s just as bad, Daddy says.

REV. J. J. Would they like you to tell me this?

BETTY. P’raps not, but you won’t tell, will you? It’s right to tell the minister bad things, ’cause he’ll forgive you if you pay him something, and you can do it over again. That’s the way Christine does. She’s a Catholic. Are you?

REV. J. J. No indeed, my dear.

BOBBY. (Who has gone out, re-enters with a bottle and glass.) Have some wine? Daddy always entertains this way. It’s a fine flavor. I drank a bit from the bottom of a glass once, and ’twas awful good, but Mamma was mad about it.

REV. J. J. Put it back, my boy. I never drink. Ministers never do.

BETTY. My, how thirsty you must get! What do you do when you’ve been eating salt fish?

REV. J. J. I don’t care for salt fish.

BOBBY. Neither do we, but we eat a lot of it when we’re saving up for a party.

BETTY. Can you dance the tango?

REV. J. J. No, I don’t dance.

BETTY. That’s too bad. Let me show you how. It’s just as easy! Come on. (Tries to drag him up.)

REV. J. J. No, I don’t care to dance.

BETTY. I won’t call you awkward, really. You do it so, you know, (illustrates) but dancing’s no fun alone, you know. You need a girl to hug. If you learn with me you can do it with the big lady girls, the ones that you like best, you know.

BOBBY. He don’t dance with ’em, he plays tag.

REV. J. J. Oh no, my boy.

BOBBY. Mamma said so. Daddy said that all the girls were chasing you, and Mamma said she guessed that you could do your share of the chasing, all right.

BETTY. I know what you like—fast horses, don’t you?

REV. J. J. Well, I have a horse, of course—

BETTY. Yes, a real spanker! And a narrow buggy to take the girls to ride. Say, do you hold ’em in, when you go over the “thank you marms” and take toll? Daddy said he bet you did. He always used to. He calls it taking toll when he makes me pay him for candy with kisses. I s’pose the girls would be afraid to say no to a minister, but sometimes I say no to Daddy, just to tease him, and he calls me a little flirt, and takes ’em just the same.