Woodcock's Little Game: A Comedy-Farce, In Two Acts

Lend me Five Shillings, Three Cuckoos, Catch a Weazel, Where there's a Will there's a Way, John Dobbs, A Most Unwarrantable Intrusion, Going to the Derby, Your Life's in Danger, Midnight Watch, Box and Cox, Trumpeter's Wedding, Done on Both Sides, Poor Pillicoddy, Old Honesty, Young England, King and I, My Wife's Second Floor, Who do they take me for? The Thumping Legacy, Milliners' Holiday, Wedding Breakfast, Irish Tiger, Attic Story, Who's the Composer? Who's my Husband? Slasher and Crasher, Prince for an Hour, Away with Melancholy, Waiting for an Omnibus, Betsy Baker, Who Stole the Pocket-Book? Two Bonnycastles, From Village to Court, Grimshaw, Bagshaw, and Bradshaw, Rights and Wrongs of Women, Sent to the Tower, Our Wife, Brother Ben, Take Care of Dowb--, Wooing One's Wife, Margery Daw, The Double-Bedded Room, the "Alabama," Drawing Rooms, Second Floors, and Attics, &c. &c.

LONDON: | NEW YORK: SAMUEL FRENCH, | SAMUEL FRENCH & SON, PUBLISHER, | PUBLISHERS, 89, STRAND. | 38, EAST 14TH STREET.

WOODCOCK'S LITTLE GAME.

First performed at the Royal St. James Theatre (Under the management of Mr. Benjamin Webster) On Thursday, 6th October, 1864.

Characters.

MR. WOODCOCK Mr. CHARLES MATTHEWS.

MR. CHRISTOPHER LARKINGS Mr. H. J. MONTAGUE.

MR. ADOLPHUS SWANSDOWN Mr. J. JOHNSTONE.

DAVID Mr. W. CHAMBERLAINE.

MRS. COLONEL CARVER Mrs. FRANK MATTHEWS.

MRS. WOODCOCK Miss FANNY HUGHES.

MRS. LARKINGS Miss WENTWORTH. ----- MODERN COSTUMES. ----- Time in Performance--One Hour.

WOODCOCK'S LITTLE GAME.

ACT I.

SCENE.--_An Apartment in the house of Mrs. Colonel Carver at Stow-on-the-Wold, fire-place in C., doors, R. and L. of it; another door R. 2. E.; a sofa, L.; at L. a window; table, C., with writing materials; chairs, &c., &c._

DAVID in livery and wearing a large wedding favour, is seated at little table, writing.

DAVID. Let me see what I ha' written! (reading letter) "Dear Cousin Jane, I write this from the little town of Stow-on-the-Wold, in Gloucestershire--last week the population amounted to 2719, but as soon as master and me arrived, it suddenly shot up to 2721--the church bells have been ringing all the morning in honour of my master's marriage with Miss Caroline Anastasia Sophia Elizabeth Carver, which is now being solemnized"--(noise of shouting and hurrahing heard) hey-day! (jumps up and looks out of window) it be all over, and here comes the bride and bridegroom! (shouts repeated--DAVID, in his enthusiasm waving his arm out of the window and hurrahing with all his might, then coming down) Poor master! he's gone and done it now, and no mistake! (listening) Here comes the wedding party--I must finish my letter to Cousin Jane by-and-bye! (putting letter in his pocket)

MRS. WOODCOCK, MRS. COLONEL CARVER in bridal attire, and two BRIDESMAIDS enter at door R. C.

MRS. C. Don't agitate yourself, my darling child, it is rather a nervous affair, I know, but it's all over now--nothing could be better, you got through it charmingly.

BRIDESMAIDS. Oh, yes, charmingly!

MRS. C. A little repose, a mouthful of sponge cake and glass of sherry will soon compose you. Ladies, support your precious charge--come.

Exeunt, door R. 2 E.

WOOD. (without) This way, my dear friends.

Enter WOODCOCK, door R. C., in his bridegroom's costume, followed by two or three MALE FRIENDS, with whom he is shaking hands in succession.

I'm obliged to you--very much obliged to you, indeed, for seeing me through the awful--I mean the interesting ceremony! You'll excuse my following you to the dining room; you'll find my respectable bride and her blushing mother there--no--I mean--really, what with the excitement, the agitation, the--the----

FRIENDS. (laughing) Ha, ha! of course!--all right, old fellow--ha, ha, ha!

Exeunt, R. 2 E.

WOOD. (coming slowly down--after a short pause) It's all over! there's not the slightest doubt about its being all over! the knot is tied, and I am fairly launched on the sea of matrimony! I felt uncommonly nervous at first, and then, to make matters worse, I thought I never should have got my white kid gloves off; and yet they were quite loose when I put them on. I can't imagine what made them shrink so, unless it was the state of nervous excitement they were in--I mean, I was in! 'Pon my life, after all, a wedding in a country town is a very jolly affair! In London, a couple walk into church and out again, and it makes no more sensation than if they went into a pastrycook's and bought a bun a piece! but in the country it creates a general excitement--the bride and bridegroom become objects of universal sympathy--I mean, curiosity--everybody wishes them joy, at least they say they do! In short, as I said before, it's a very jolly affair! I shouldn't mind being married two or three times a week for a considerable time to come. (seeing DAVID) Ah, David!

DAVID. (sighing, and very seriously) So, you be really married, sir?

WOOD. (assuming a very hilarious manner) Yes, David! quite married! You may look at me with the perfect conviction that you are contemplating the portrait of a gentleman thoroughly, totally, and completely married. (DAVID turns away to hide his laughter) You needn't turn your head away, David. I don't mind your laughing. I'm laughing myself, ha, ha, ha. (forcing a very loud laugh--then after a short pause) It does seem funny though, doesn't it, David?

DAVID. (L. C.) Yes, sir! it is a rum go and no mistake!

WOOD. I said nothing about a "rum go," David,--I limited myself to the expression "funny!"

DAVID. Only to think of your settling down into a respectable member of society! Dear, dear, when I think of your desperate, wild, _au_dacious capers----

WOOD. Hush, David! not so loud? my respected mother-in-law might hear you; and between you and me Mrs. Colonel Carver is rather a formidable sort of person!

DAVID. Ees, sir! she has a stiffish, frumpish look with her!

WOOD. I said nothing about "stiffish and frumpish," David,--I limited myself to the expression "formidable." As you say, David, I have been a sad scapegrace--a desperate rascal--but when a man has been cutting capers and nothing but capers for twenty years, it's high time he cut them altogether--in plain English, I felt I had had my whack, and that's why I've just married Miss Caroline Anastasia Sophia Elizabeth Carver!

DAVID. Well, sir, they do say a reformed rake makes the best husband, and you certainly had a regular good "innings" at it.

WOOD. I said nothing about "innings," David,--I limited myself to the expression "whack!" Has anything been sent from the railway station?

DAVID. Yes--sir, three parcels--here they be, sir! (three brown paper parcels are on the table)

WOOD. (taking one parcel and opening letter, which is fastened to it) "Two morning gowns in merino--best quality, quilted and lined,--cords and tassels as to order," that's all right; now the other parcels, David--(opening the papers attached to them) "Three woollen smoking caps, three cloth ditto, three silk ditto, three velvet ditto"--all right. (opening third paper) "Twelve pairs of slippers to measure, three lined with fur, three with flannel, &c., &c." Quite correct.