The Log of the Ark, by Noah; Hieroglypics by Ham

Remarks:

I never saw such a rain. It simply poured all day.—No ministers aboard so I had to conduct the services in the saloon this morning. Took as my text—Genesis 7:7. Mrs. Shem played the harpsichord. No collection.—Sea just a little rougher this afternoon.—Have had a time keeping Ham in the engine room. He’s lazy. He would rather fish than work. Ham’s wife always sides with him. I’m afraid I’ll have trouble with her.—Hope we don’t run into any of those waterspouts I’ve read about.—Cargo still quiet. Hope none of those submarines attack us.

MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—N. E. SEA—a bit choppy. SHIP’S RUN—½. WIRELESS REPORT—S. O. S. Chaldea.

Remarks:

Women folks kicked to beat the band. It was too wet to hang out the wash. I told them to bring enough lingerie to last forty days. I always thought women’s clothes were too complicated anyway.—Made an inspection of the staterooms. Everything O. K. and sanitary. Some of the animals are a little crowded, but I can’t help that when each mammoth takes two staterooms.—The Shetland ponies need exercise, but it keeps on raining.—Mrs. Noah is still complaining. She can’t stand the motion of the ship, and now she says the thought of the French poodles being bunked with the rhino is horrible.—Real estate getting scarce.—Had the auto tires thrown overboard. I couldn’t see any use for them.

TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—same. SEA—choppier. SHIP’S RUN—same. WIRELESS REPORT—Record high water in Babylon. Stores flooded. Boats in streets.

Remarks:

That bunk of mine is made of concrete.—I’m a little shaky today. Appetite all gone. Meals don’t taste good. Felt better on deck. I’ve never been seasick in my life. I wonder if this is it?—I’ll be all right tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—stronger. SEA—pretty rough. SHIP’S RUN—¼. WIRELESS REPORT—C. Q. D. Bagdad.

Remarks:

Rain and a little rougher. Never had such strange sensations. I excused myself from the dinner table. I don’t think it’s the motion of the boat, but the smell of the cooking and the vibration. I like to keep perfectly quiet in my steamer chair and have plenty of air.—Mrs. Japheth brought me a sardine sandwich this afternoon. That was sinful.—Only stuck my head in the dining-room door at supper time. I’d like to be on dry land just now. Mrs. Noah is a nuisance. She wants to know what she can do for me. Why can’t people let me alone in these critical times? Wonder if I am seasick?—I’ll be all right tomorrow.

THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—stronger. SEA—nauseating. SHIP’S RUN—¼. WIRELESS REPORT—Work stopped on tower of Babel.

Remarks:

Rougher and more rain.—Tried to get up this morning but gave it up. Every time the Ark pitches I feel so uncomfortable. Nothing I eat stays et. Mrs. Noah and the girls brought hot lemonade and gruel into my cabin. It only takes the thought of such things to make my sensations worse. I don’t see why they had to fry onions today.—The second officer came in tonight and said it was my watch. I told him the Ark could get along without my watch. He said we might founder if the bridge was empty. I told him I didn’t care if we did.—Mrs. Ham says there is no such a thing as seasickness. She claims it’s a state of mind. Why can’t people let me alone?—I’ll be all right tomorrow.

FRIDAY. COURSE— WEATHER— WIND— SEA— SHIP’S RUN— WIRELESS REPORT—

SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—abating. SEA—steadier. SHIP’S RUN—I forgot to look. WIRELESS REPORT—S. O. S. Troy.

Remarks:

Am writing this in bed. Guess it rained yesterday. Oh! it was awful! I must have been seasick. How I wanted the old ship to sink! My system never went back on me like that—Oh! it was frightful—horrible! I felt as though I were going down in one of those new-fangled elevators. And then, these people kept bothering me. I wanted to die alone. I told the family where they could find the will.—Japheth said I should eat some finnan haddy. That was a deliberate attempt on my life. Mrs. Shem made me suck a lemon, and take a bottle of sure-cure seasick medicine. I nearly died after that. Mrs. Noah kept stroking my head, and asking what I wanted to eat. Ham brought me a bottle of cod liver oil. I wanted to smite him, but I had not the strength. The only comfort I had was Shem. I heard him say, “Why don’t you people get out, and let the old man alone?” That was so kind.—I hope I’ll be all right tomorrow.—Postponed my bath.

SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—same. SEA—calmer. SHIP’S RUN—same as yesterday. WIRELESS REPORT—C. Q. D. Phœnicia.

Remarks:

Still raining. Postponed church until next Sunday.—I went up on deck for awhile. Still feel a little wabbly. The officers accused me of being seasick. I was not. Something I ate didn’t agree with me.—I miss the Sunday newspapers.—The male elephant was down with a bad tuskache this afternoon. Tried to pull it but I was too weak.

MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—no wind. SEA—all right again. SHIP’S RUN—3. WIRELESS REPORT—Peach and potato crops ruined.

Remarks:

Rained harder than usual.—The elephant’s tusk was much better this morning.—There’s a funny piece of mechanism on the bridge. It has N. S. E. W. printed on it. Shem and Ham say it’s a game. They spin a needle and guess where it will stop. Shem always puts his money on the letter N and wins. They wouldn’t let me play the N. I believe Shem is a capper.—This weather looks like a real flood.—I feel a little better today.

TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—none. SEA—none. SHIP’S RUN—3. WIRELESS REPORT—C. Q. D. Mesopotamia.

Remarks:

Mrs. Noah is again complaining. She says the weather takes the waves out of her marcels. I suppose on the forty-first day she will find fault with the sunshine.—The camels took a drink four days ago, and haven’t touched a drop since.—Shem and Ham let me play the N today. I lost two more shekels. I think that machine is possessed.—According to the almanac we should be having fine weather.

WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—moderate. SEA—reposed. SHIP’S RUN—4¼. WIRELESS REPORT—none today.

Remarks:

Mrs. Noah is becoming attached to the diplodocus carnegiei. The two are together a great deal.—I played that machine again today. Lost! Just before I quit, I saw Shem hold a horseshoe where he wanted the needle to stop. When I caught him, he said it was only for good luck. I see through that game now. I’ll catch them tomorrow.—I’m all the time forgetting on which side of the ship the red lights belong. I can’t see the use of making my Ark look like a drug store.—WEATHER FORECAST—continued rain.

THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—south. SEA—same as usual. RAINFALL—six inches. SHIP’S RUN—2.

Remarks:

This morning I took a shoe off the mare. Put ten shekels on the letter W. Held my good-luck shoe at the letter. Shem held his at E. Shem won. I’m not going to play that game any more.—Guess the camels must be sick. They will not drink.—Don’t see land anywhere. The thousand-leggers haven’t their sea legs as yet.

FRIDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—steady. SEA—same as yesterday. SHIP’S RUN—1. WIRELESS REPORT—none.

Remarks:

The weather still has it in for us.—I found Shem’s good-luck horseshoe. It’s a magnet. The scoundrel!—Spent the morning reading up on animals. Wish I knew as much about them as Mr. Æsop.—Japheth says the peanut-eating varieties have consumed 477,392 nuts.—Nearly had a sad disaster today.—One of the bullfrogs jumped overboard. We lowered the lifeboat, and rescued him after a chase.—The water spaniels seem to enjoy this weather.—The women folks have organized some kind of an “anti” society.—The food on board is extraordinary. The salt air seems to have benefited my appetite. Still, Mrs. Noah never could cook like mother.

SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—straight ahead. RAINFALL—5½ inches. SHIP’S RUN—4. SEA—much deeper.

Remarks:

Did not sleep well last night. The rain on the roof keeps me awake.—Mrs. Noah went about the Ark pinning up “No smoking” signs.—All at sea about our course. If the world is round we are all right. If it’s flat we may topple off the edge. We ancients are greatly handicapped. Wish Columbus had lived before my time. Japheth and I spent the whole morning trying to figure where we are. His calculations make us sailing south of the Dead Sea. Mine show we are over Sheba. I’m right because I’m the captain.—The camels still won’t drink.—Had to scold Ham for trying to steal the fish-worms. I’ll bet he wanted to go fishing tomorrow.—Took my bath.

SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—cool. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—2.

Remarks:

No services. Shem ran into my cabin this morning. He was greatly excited. He said the bothriospondylus madagascariensis, the metriorhynchus superciliosus, and the long-horned brontotherium had climbed out of their stalls, and were fighting with the macanchenia patagonica and the testudo periniana. I went downstairs and found that the bothriospondylus madagascariensis, the metriorhynchus superciliosus, and the long-horned brontotherium were not fighting with the macanchenia patagonica and the testudo periniana, but with the sceliditherium leptocephalum and the pachydiscus peramphus. The noise of the battle awoke the machairodus negæus, the horplophorus ornatus, and the pareiasaurus serridens. They began to purr. It was a good thing for me I was not stepped on while stopping the fight. Gol darn the fellow who gave animals such names.

MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—dry. SEA—smooth. SHIP’S RUN—2.

Remarks:

Twenty days out. Rain half over.—Camels took a drink today. First time since the tenth. I’d hate to be a camel.—I won the pool on the ship’s run.—We have to watch the flies all the time to keep them away from the fly-paper.—Shem complains that the lions eat too much meat. Meat is expensive these days. I’m going to try feeding them hay.—Shot craps awhile this afternoon with Japh.—We are using the sun-dials again. During the night the ostrich broke into the chart room and swallowed my Ingersoll chronometer.—It takes 24 life preservers to go around the elephant.