Public-domain ebook
The young immigrunts
by Ring Lardner
Language: en1,421 downloads on Project Gutenberg
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Public-domain ebook sourced from Project Gutenberg #78483.
About this book
The Young Immigrunts is a comic sketch of a family’s cross‑country trek, narrated by a precocious four‑year‑old named Bill. The opening chapter plunges the reader into a jumble of family gossip, mis‑spelled names and slap‑dash descriptions of a chaotic household, while the narrator’s bewildered eye catalogues his parents, siblings and a nosy nurse. From a Chicago hospital birth to a summer spent at his Indiana grandmother’s, the story follows the family as they load a new automobile onto a Great Lakes steamer, hop trains, and negotiate a series of misadventures on the road to Connecticut. The text is peppered with references to baseball heroes, quirky dialogue, and a series of illustrated interludes that mark each stage of the journey.
The voice is unmistakably that of an early‑twentieth‑century child, full of earnest mispronunciations, run‑on sentences and a delight in the absurdities of adult conversation. Ring Lardner’s humor shines through the chaotic prose, offering a snapshot of immigrant life, automobile travel and the quirks of small‑town America. Readers who enjoy off‑beat family sagas, period humor and a lively, if unpolished, narrative perspective will find this a rewarding, laugh‑filled ride.
Characters in The young immigrunts
- BillChubby four‑year‑old boy, tousled brown hair, round cheeks, wearing a plain shirt and suspenders
- Rollie ZeiderShort, stocky early‑1900s ballplayer with a thick moustache, round glasses, cap and a worn baseball uniform
The opening · free to read
My Parents
My parents are both married and ½ of them are very good looking. The balance is tall and skiny and has a swarty complexion with moles but you hardily ever notice them on account of your gaze being rapped up in his feet which would be funny if brevvity wasnt the soul of wit. Everybody says I have his eyes and I am glad it didnt half to be something else tho Rollie Zeider the ball player calls him owl eyes for a nick name but if I was Rollie Zeider and his nose I wouldnt pick on somebodys else features.
He wears pretty shirts which he bought off of another old ball player Artie Hofman to attrack tension off of his feet and must of payed a big price for them I heard my ant tell my uncle when they thorght I was a sleep down to the lake tho I guess he pays even more for his shoes if they sell them by the frunt foot.
I was born in a hospittle in Chicago 4 years ago and liked it very much and had no idear we were going to move till 1 day last summer I heard my mother arsk our nurse did she think she could get along O. K. with myself and 3 brothers John Jimmie and David for 10 days wilst she and my old man went east to look for a costly home.
Well yes said our nurse barshfully.
I may as well exclaim to the reader that John is 7 and Jimmie is 5 and I am 4 and David is almost nothing as yet you might say and tho I was named for my father they call me Bill thank God.
The conversation amungst my mother and our nurse took place right after my father came back from Toledo where Jack Dempsey knocked Jessie Willard for a gool tho my father liked the big fellow and bet on him.
David was in his bath at the time and my mother and our nurse and myself and 2 elder brothers was standing around admireing him tho I notice that when the rest of the family takes their bath they dont make open house of the occassion.
Well my parents went east and dureing their absents myself and brothers razed hell with David on the night shift but when they come back my mother said to the nurse were they good boys.
Fine replid our nurse lamely and where are you going to live.
Connecticut said my mother.
Our nurse forced a tired smile.
Here we will leave my parents to unpack and end this chapter.
Starting Gaily
We spent the rest of the summer on my granmother in Indiana and my father finley went to the worst series to write it up as he has followed sports of all sorts for years and is a expert so he bet on the wite sox and when he come home he acted rarther cross.
Well said my mother simperingly I suppose we can start east now.
We will start east when we get good and ready said my father with a lordly sneeze.
The next thing was how was we going to make the trip as my father had boughten a new car that the cheepest way to get it there was drive it besides carrying a grate deal of our costly bagage but if all of us went in it they would be no room left for our costly bagage and besides 2 of my brothers always acts like devils incarnite when they get in a car so my mother said to our nurse.
If you think you can manage the 2 older boys and David on the train myself and husband will take Bill in the car said my mother to our nurse.
Fine replid our nurse with a gastly look witch my mother did not see.
Myself and parents left Goshen Indiana on a fine Monday morning leaveing our nurse and brothers to come latter in the weak on the railway. Our plans was to reach Detroit that night and stop with my uncle and ant and the next evening take the boat to Buffalo and thence to Connecticut by motor so the first town we past through was Middlebury.
Elmer Flick the old ball player use to live here said my father modestly.
My mother forced a smile and soon we were acrost the Michigan line and my mother made the remark that she was thirsty.
We will stop at Coldwater for lunch said my father with a strate face as he pulls most of his lines without changeing expressions.
Sure enough we puled up to 1 side of the road just after leaveing Coldwater and had our costly viands of frid chicken and doughnuts and milk fernished by my grate ant and of witch I partook freely.
We will stop at Ypsilanti for supper said my father in calm tones that is where they have the state normal school.
I was glad to hear this and hoped we would get there before dark as I had always wanted to come in contack with normal peaple and see what they are like and just at dusk we entered a large size town and drove past a large size football field.
Heavens said my mother this must be a abnormal school to have such a large football field.
My father wore a qeer look.
This is not Ypsilanti this is Ann Arbor he crid.
But I thorght you said we would go south of Ann Arbor and direct to Ypsilanti said my mother with a smirk.
Bill is my uncle Bill so we stoped at the Alfa Delt house and got him and took him down to the hotel for supper and my old man called up Mr. Yost the football coach of the Michigan football team and he come down and visited with us.
What kind of a team have you got coach said my father lamely.
I have got a determined team replid Mr. Yost they are determined to not play football.
At this junction my unlucky mother changed the subjeck to the league of nations and it was 10 o’clock before Mr. Yost come to a semi colon so we could resume our jurney and by the time we past through Ypsilanti the peaple was not only subnormal but unconsius. It was nerly midnight when we puled up in frunt of my ants and uncles house in Detroit that had been seting up since 7 expecting us.
Were sorry to be so late said my mother bruskly.
Were awfully glad you could come at all replid my ant with a ill consealed yawn.
We will now leave my relitives to get some sleep and end this chapter.
Erie Lake
The boat leaves Detroit every afternoon at 5 oclock and reachs Buffalo the next morning at 9 tho I would better exclaim to my readers that when it is 9 oclock in Buffalo it is only 8 oclock in Goshen for instants as Buffalo peaple are qeer.
Well said my father the next morning at brekfus I wander what time we half to get the car on the board of the boat.
I will find out down town and call up and let you know replid my uncle who is a engineer and digs soors or something.
Sure enough he called up dureing the fornoon and said the car must be on the board of the boat at 3 oclock so my father left the house at 2 oclock and drove down to the worf tho he had never drove a car in Detroit before but has nerves of steal. Latter my uncle come out to his home and took myself and mother and ant down to the worf where my old man was waiting for us haveing put the car on the board.
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