How Doth the Simple Spelling Bee

But Masticator B. Fellows, president and proprietor of Chickle University, had not done with me so easily. Since his street-boyhood, sixty years ago, this ardent personality ('tis thus the daily press describes him) had made his own way, and had his own way; he was his own capital, and there is no record of his ever having sunk a cent of it. Of habits strictly pure, he had never seen a card or a drop of liquor that he had touched, and he had never seen a dollar that he had not touched. He had organized every industry along his path, from paper-selling, boot-blacking, and so upward to his organized lobby at Washington, through which he had caused a heavy tariff to be put upon every commodity necessary to the American people. It was he who had advised his brother organizers to keep Religion on the free list, because, as he assured them, "if we tax it, they'll do without it, while if we don't, they'll trust us for a while yet." And now, at the age of seventy-five, with uncounted millions, and ten United States Senators, and a fourth young wife all in his pocket, he proposed to hand his name to Immortality by simplifying the spelling of English all over the earth. Well, let him do it if he would only do it right.

But this he must do without my assistance; there were other professors, many of them. I did not permit the circulars that now began to pour in from Chickle University to distract me from my index. Striking as these circulars were--and I will instance but one of them:--

Judge, budge, ridge, acknowledge ARE SLOW Call in and try our Quick Spelling Juj. Buj. Rij. Aknolej--

they went into the basket one after another. To this method of suggestion a second was soon added, and my coat-pockets, as well as my mail, began to be filled with spelling literature. I would go out for a walk, and during this exercise some paper or pamphlet would be slipped into the coat, which I would discover upon my return. I remember pulling out a little book of verse, beginning:--

I am only a primer to teach you to spel, Which is something that nobody does very wel. A sweet little primer, A dear little primer, Sing hel, bel, tel, fel, sel, nel, quel, swel and smel.

I felt, let me confess it, annoyed the next day on returning from my walk to find a new method of suggestion, in great charcoal letters, on the white marble of my house-front:--

Such nuisances as Solemn Comptroller and Wednesday are preventing THE KING OF SIAM from learning English

Nor was my annoyance decreased by the further announcement that defaced my house-front upon the day following:--

MILLIONS OF SCHOOL CHILDREN turn away weeping from PEOPLE MANUOEVRE DIAPHRAGM

Much should be conceded to the man who is fighting for his Immortality, as was Masticator; but not too much. And displeasure, it may fairly be said, began to rise in me, when I found, next morning, a page of the primer introduced in the midst of my index:--

Of the bad English spelling you'll surely beware, When you notice how stair, pear and heir rhyme with there; The sad English spelling, The mad English spelling, Sing hi! for the mare and the mayor and the prayer.

Next consider, for instance, a word like enhearsed: Now what business has it to be rhyming with first? Sing hi! the old spelling, The horrible spelling, The spelling of nursed and of versed and of worst.

But our simplified speling can cure every il, And permits nothing foolish like two l's in pil. Sing hi! the new speling, Our comforting speling, Sing pil, bil, fil, wil, til, sil, quil, spil.

Yes, Masticator was going too far--and how had he managed to tamper with my index? I rang the bell, and questioned my man Edward sharply. He knew nothing of it, nor did the housemaid, whom I also questioned sharply. And I trusted I should be less harassed on the morrow.

But on the morrow, at breakfast, lifting with my fork the top buckwheat cake in order to spread butter upon the second, I found a leaflet between the two cakes, inscribed:--

Phthisis How can you eat while a word like that is allowed?

I flung the cakes at my man Edward, and in five minutes I had dismissed every servant in the house. Quite unable to work, I left the house myself, and set out to take the air. No; Masticator was not doing it right; he was taking too many sudden liberties, not only with the language, but with myself. Becoming gradually aware that a number of young persons were following me with loud and disconcerting expressions, I stepped into a shop where I am unknown, and where they at once offered to brush off my back. A double mirror showed me these words, chalked plainly:--